(Where “supposed to” means “able to, leading to evolutionary advantage, with the result that the quality in question becomes attractive to potential mates”. I don’t know whether this just-so story is actually right, but it seems very plausible.)
[EDITED to add: “promote the interests of” is intended to cover providing food and shelter and other useful resources, protection against attack, persuading others to treat the family well, etc.]
I don’t have a good model of your mind, but let’s start with basics.
It’s a typical failure mode for nerds to think that being successful at dating is about being able to say the right lines.
General there’s no good track record that this works. There are PUA trainers who try to sell products based on that promise because there a market for that promise, but even those PUA trainers generally don’t think that the principle works and usually try to actually provide products that do something different.
Humans have emotions. If you don’t understand what emotions are or how to read what emotion another person is feeling, read Emotion Revealed by Paul Ekman. It tells you what all those fascial muscles do for each of his 7 main emotions.
Those emotions matter for what they do. In a romantic interaction the emotions of both parties matter. Emotions influence the way you communicate. It’s okay that they do. You want to have an emotional state that leads to you saying attractive things.
Those main emotions that are easily readable on people faces aren’t the only thing that people can feel. For romantic interactions “attraction” and “comfort” are to useful variables to think about.
Attraction is basically when your pulse rises and you think that the person you are with causes your pulse to rise in a positive way. A physiology textbook told me that this a reason why drinking coffee makes a good date because the coffein raises the pulse, but I don’t think that effect is significant enough to make it worthwhile to target it. Using power frequently does cause the pulse to rise.
You can also use evolutionary reasoning to see that it’s benefitial for woman to value powerful mates and feel attraction in the presence of powerful mates.
However attraction isn’t the only thing that matter in romantic interactions. Comfort also matters a great deal. Comfort is required to open up. Without comfort a situation with a high pulse can be seen as threatening and unsafe.
Woman have a strong need to feel safe both physically and emotionally. Most man care more about approval then safety. While the biggest fear of a man is that a woman rejects him, the biggest fear of the woman might be that the man rapes her.
Those desires are more complex than two scalars. Humans tell themselves complex stories about their live and want to live in accordance with those stories. It’s very useful to respect the agency of other people and don’t model them as an automate that says yes or no when you ask them for something where the answer depends on the way you are asking.
Why don’t you find it convincing that power is attractive?
There’s just.. nothing attractive about it? What am I supposed to do with it?
Promote the interests of your family.
(Where “supposed to” means “able to, leading to evolutionary advantage, with the result that the quality in question becomes attractive to potential mates”. I don’t know whether this just-so story is actually right, but it seems very plausible.)
[EDITED to add: “promote the interests of” is intended to cover providing food and shelter and other useful resources, protection against attack, persuading others to treat the family well, etc.]
I don’t have a good model of your mind, but let’s start with basics.
It’s a typical failure mode for nerds to think that being successful at dating is about being able to say the right lines. General there’s no good track record that this works. There are PUA trainers who try to sell products based on that promise because there a market for that promise, but even those PUA trainers generally don’t think that the principle works and usually try to actually provide products that do something different.
Humans have emotions. If you don’t understand what emotions are or how to read what emotion another person is feeling, read Emotion Revealed by Paul Ekman. It tells you what all those fascial muscles do for each of his 7 main emotions.
Those emotions matter for what they do. In a romantic interaction the emotions of both parties matter. Emotions influence the way you communicate. It’s okay that they do. You want to have an emotional state that leads to you saying attractive things.
Those main emotions that are easily readable on people faces aren’t the only thing that people can feel. For romantic interactions “attraction” and “comfort” are to useful variables to think about. Attraction is basically when your pulse rises and you think that the person you are with causes your pulse to rise in a positive way. A physiology textbook told me that this a reason why drinking coffee makes a good date because the coffein raises the pulse, but I don’t think that effect is significant enough to make it worthwhile to target it. Using power frequently does cause the pulse to rise.
You can also use evolutionary reasoning to see that it’s benefitial for woman to value powerful mates and feel attraction in the presence of powerful mates.
However attraction isn’t the only thing that matter in romantic interactions. Comfort also matters a great deal. Comfort is required to open up. Without comfort a situation with a high pulse can be seen as threatening and unsafe. Woman have a strong need to feel safe both physically and emotionally. Most man care more about approval then safety. While the biggest fear of a man is that a woman rejects him, the biggest fear of the woman might be that the man rapes her.
Those desires are more complex than two scalars. Humans tell themselves complex stories about their live and want to live in accordance with those stories. It’s very useful to respect the agency of other people and don’t model them as an automate that says yes or no when you ask them for something where the answer depends on the way you are asking.