Congrats on writing your first post here! (as far as I can see) I have read the book in question, if you mean the intro book to NVC? And I did find it amusing seeing you write the concept into a Kickstarter special. :) I hadn’t thought of that, and enjoyed seeing your creative way to review that book.
When learning NVC, my partner and I took an intro course, and during it one of the course holders showed us a game that they made, which participants could take back with them afterward. We did play using that game when learning the ropes of NVC. I’m not sure if that would be interesting for you, and if it is, let me know and I will post a link to it.
Moreover, at this course we were told to practice on our own or with someone familiar with the method for a couple of years, before using it with others. And I agree, and believe a game like yours is best played with a) Friend, referring to some kind of mutual positive relationship already, and b) Someone familiar with NVC, or open to working on their automatic thoughts/feelings and habitual strategies.
One part I read that I have a bit stronger opinion about is this one:
The point of this game is to resolve conflict. If something is brought up that cannot be changed by actions, it doesn’t fit the scope of this game. It is always healthy to discuss feelings, and people should do that often. But if you bring up feelings that are not actionable you will not be able to resolve them in this game.
Connection is a core goal in NVC, and also conflict resolution using NVC. If we only look at two people, conflict can in many cases be ‘resolved’ through the actions of self-connection and self-understanding. The way to that sort of resolution, often goes through a set of actions that include being seen, understood, heard and/or met with empathy. I strongly disagree if by this paragraph you mean to exclude those actions from the game, as it seems to me you are implying with the wording “It is always healthy to discuss feelings [...]”.
The reason is from our experiences, and goes something like this:
Person ‘Hurt’ feels sad/angry/etc. because ‘Friend’ “did something”. However, through the actions of empathic presence, listening, space holding and/or understanding from ‘Friend’/‘Hurt’ (as this can change), they boost their individual and/or relational connection level. Person ‘Hurt’, (or ‘Friend’) find out what their true need(s) are, which results in self-connection. In the majority of our cases the actions of ‘Friend’ and reactions of ‘Hurt’ were only superficially connected, and the ‘conflicts’ were resolved through connection with ourselves and/or each other, and realizing the ‘conflict’ wasn’t really a ‘conflict’ after all, but the cries of unmet needs. Thus resolving it without any further actions, or at least none related to the original ‘offense’.
I hope this feedback is useful to you in some way. Take care.
Thank you so much for the read, the feedback and sharing your experience!
I think I see what you are saying here. If I may try to use a fake example:
My wife takes out the trash bins every week, and I never thank her or even acknowledge this is something she does. Therefore she feels unrecognized and upset. Through her expressing these feelings to me, me deeply acknowledging her feelings, validating her feelings, and acknowledging all the hard work she does around the house; that might be the action needed to solve the issue.
So my rule, don’t bring up something that can’t be resolved by action would make the above discussion and healing impossible.
I agree with you.
Your comment also made me realize that by making rules I kind of missed the “connection” part that is so important in the book.
I will think about how to correct this but I am thinking about the following changes:
I will remove the rule you brought up. I was coming at it from a, “it’s unfair to bring up something with the expectation of an apology”, but I think I can deal with that case by also...
Adding a section in “winning the game” that discusses validating feelings and creating a connection.
I might need to rethink my apology section too, I see how an apology WITH an acknowledgement may actually solve a problem.
thanks for your reply, and acknowledging my feedback. Appreciate it. And you are perfectly welcome.
My wife takes out the trash bins every week, and I never thank her or even acknowledge this is something she does. Therefore she feels unrecognized and upset. Through her expressing these feelings to me, me deeply acknowledging her feelings, validating her feelings, and acknowledging all the hard work she does around the house; that might be the action needed to solve the issue.
Examples are complex. I do not think this example fits my point exactly, but I can try and show how it would work. This is of course a bit idealistic:
Wife goes to you and says: “I feel unrecognized and upset about not being acknowledged for taking out the bins”. You are both on the same team, with the same goal of achieving more connection. Since you are on the same team, you add clarity by expressing your own thoughts/feelings:
You say: “When hearing you say that, I admit that I have felt dejected and numb, because you didn’t ask me to acknowledge you, and I have really wanted to”. You say the former to create clarity, not out of defense. Defense sounds more like this: “Why didn’t you tell me before?! I’ve waited for so long for you to tell me!” (Which isn’t that unnatural of a response, to be fair.)
Winning would then look something like this:
Wife says: “Are you saying you not only wanted to, but were willing to acknowledge me, and the only thing holding you back, was me asking you?” (*Belief: Receiving acknowledgment is a reflection of the strength of our bond, and should happen without prompt.*)
You answer: “Yes, I want, and I am willing, to acknowledge you, and the only thing holding me back is that I believe that I had to wait for you to ask first.” (*Belief: Asking for acknowledgment is a reflection of the strength of our bond, and should happen without prompt*)
Both pause to feel and self-connect.
(I can also add an apology here, but the kind of apology I write here is more high level, and not really a natural part of this game. But I thought it might be good for reference.)
Wife: “I feel confused knowing I have expectations that are different from yours. I also feel sad knowing I could have reached out for acknowledgment at any time. And I also apologize for feeling unrecognized and upset towards you, and by doing so pulling myself away from you. I also feel relieved knowing you want to acknowledge me.”
You: “I feel relieved knowing you want my acknowledgment, and likewise confused about our differing expectations. I feel down-cast knowing you have been open to receiving my acknowledgment for a while, and also knowing how much it would have meant to you. I apologize for feeling dejected and numb towards you, and starting to pull myself away from you. I also feel eager hearing you say that you want my acknowledgment”.
From my experience, most ‘conflicts’ are like this, and re-connection is done step-by-step. Neither might have the energy to continue the game at the moment, as things have escalated for a while, and things need to settle. However, this might still be a satisfactory first win in this area for both of them. When they are ready, they might want to address the confusion, the sadness and the apology, and lastly work out how to go about giving/receiving acknowledgment to/from each other.
In this example, they are already acknowledging their individual feelings, the feelings of the other, and experienced a positive shift between them—from being opponents to the connection of being on the same team. Definitely worthy of a small celebration.
Hello CrimsonChin,
Congrats on writing your first post here! (as far as I can see) I have read the book in question, if you mean the intro book to NVC? And I did find it amusing seeing you write the concept into a Kickstarter special. :) I hadn’t thought of that, and enjoyed seeing your creative way to review that book.
When learning NVC, my partner and I took an intro course, and during it one of the course holders showed us a game that they made, which participants could take back with them afterward. We did play using that game when learning the ropes of NVC. I’m not sure if that would be interesting for you, and if it is, let me know and I will post a link to it.
Moreover, at this course we were told to practice on our own or with someone familiar with the method for a couple of years, before using it with others. And I agree, and believe a game like yours is best played with
a) Friend, referring to some kind of mutual positive relationship already, and b) Someone familiar with NVC, or open to working on their automatic thoughts/feelings and habitual strategies.
One part I read that I have a bit stronger opinion about is this one:
Connection is a core goal in NVC, and also conflict resolution using NVC.
If we only look at two people, conflict can in many cases be ‘resolved’ through the actions of self-connection and self-understanding. The way to that sort of resolution, often goes through a set of actions that include being seen, understood, heard and/or met with empathy.
I strongly disagree if by this paragraph you mean to exclude those actions from the game, as it seems to me you are implying with the wording “It is always healthy to discuss feelings [...]”.
The reason is from our experiences, and goes something like this:
Person ‘Hurt’ feels sad/angry/etc. because ‘Friend’ “did something”. However, through the actions of empathic presence, listening, space holding and/or understanding from ‘Friend’/‘Hurt’ (as this can change), they boost their individual and/or relational connection level. Person ‘Hurt’, (or ‘Friend’) find out what their true need(s) are, which results in self-connection.
In the majority of our cases the actions of ‘Friend’ and reactions of ‘Hurt’ were only superficially connected, and the ‘conflicts’ were resolved through connection with ourselves and/or each other, and realizing the ‘conflict’ wasn’t really a ‘conflict’ after all, but the cries of unmet needs.
Thus resolving it without any further actions, or at least none related to the original ‘offense’.
I hope this feedback is useful to you in some way.
Take care.
Kindly,
Caerulea-Lawrence
Thank you so much for the read, the feedback and sharing your experience!
I think I see what you are saying here. If I may try to use a fake example: My wife takes out the trash bins every week, and I never thank her or even acknowledge this is something she does. Therefore she feels unrecognized and upset. Through her expressing these feelings to me, me deeply acknowledging her feelings, validating her feelings, and acknowledging all the hard work she does around the house; that might be the action needed to solve the issue.
So my rule, don’t bring up something that can’t be resolved by action would make the above discussion and healing impossible.
I agree with you.
Your comment also made me realize that by making rules I kind of missed the “connection” part that is so important in the book.
I will think about how to correct this but I am thinking about the following changes:
I will remove the rule you brought up. I was coming at it from a, “it’s unfair to bring up something with the expectation of an apology”, but I think I can deal with that case by also...
Adding a section in “winning the game” that discusses validating feelings and creating a connection.
I might need to rethink my apology section too, I see how an apology WITH an acknowledgement may actually solve a problem.
Do you think I understood you correctly?
Hello again CrimsonChin,
thanks for your reply, and acknowledging my feedback. Appreciate it. And you are perfectly welcome.
Examples are complex. I do not think this example fits my point exactly, but I can try and show how it would work. This is of course a bit idealistic:
Wife goes to you and says: “I feel unrecognized and upset about not being acknowledged for taking out the bins”.
You are both on the same team, with the same goal of achieving more connection. Since you are on the same team, you add clarity by expressing your own thoughts/feelings:
You say: “When hearing you say that, I admit that I have felt dejected and numb, because you didn’t ask me to acknowledge you, and I have really wanted to”.
You say the former to create clarity, not out of defense. Defense sounds more like this: “Why didn’t you tell me before?! I’ve waited for so long for you to tell me!” (Which isn’t that unnatural of a response, to be fair.)
Winning would then look something like this:
Wife says: “Are you saying you not only wanted to, but were willing to acknowledge me, and the only thing holding you back, was me asking you?” (*Belief: Receiving acknowledgment is a reflection of the strength of our bond, and should happen without prompt.*)
You answer: “Yes, I want, and I am willing, to acknowledge you, and the only thing holding me back is that I believe that I had to wait for you to ask first.” (*Belief: Asking for acknowledgment is a reflection of the strength of our bond, and should happen without prompt*)
Both pause to feel and self-connect.
(I can also add an apology here, but the kind of apology I write here is more high level, and not really a natural part of this game. But I thought it might be good for reference.)
Wife: “I feel confused knowing I have expectations that are different from yours. I also feel sad knowing I could have reached out for acknowledgment at any time. And I also apologize for feeling unrecognized and upset towards you, and by doing so pulling myself away from you. I also feel relieved knowing you want to acknowledge me.”
You: “I feel relieved knowing you want my acknowledgment, and likewise confused about our differing expectations. I feel down-cast knowing you have been open to receiving my acknowledgment for a while, and also knowing how much it would have meant to you. I apologize for feeling dejected and numb towards you, and starting to pull myself away from you. I also feel eager hearing you say that you want my acknowledgment”.
From my experience, most ‘conflicts’ are like this, and re-connection is done step-by-step. Neither might have the energy to continue the game at the moment, as things have escalated for a while, and things need to settle. However, this might still be a satisfactory first win in this area for both of them.
When they are ready, they might want to address the confusion, the sadness and the apology, and lastly work out how to go about giving/receiving acknowledgment to/from each other.
In this example, they are already acknowledging their individual feelings, the feelings of the other, and experienced a positive shift between them—from being opponents to the connection of being on the same team. Definitely worthy of a small celebration.
Hope it helps somewhat.
Kindly,
Caerulea-Lawrence