I don’t think even she accuses me of that in her post.
Recall that the description in the original letter was:
Without any conversation about consent, without any kissing or foreplay, or any previous sexual engagement and despite the boundaries previously stated; he then jumped on top of me and entered my body. This encounter was over before I could even react. I did NOT have an opportunity to make a choice and I did NOT give my consent.
The thing Shekinah describes here is rape, legally and ethically, whether she uses the word or not.
There is more I’d like to say here. There are questions that I don’t really know how to navigate, around respecting Shekinah’s agency and privacy and right to self-definition. But having that conversation with Alex seems disrespectful. So anyone who isn’t Alex is welcome to PM me for further thoughts.
I believe I have responded to (1).
You have not. In a previous comment I pointed out that you responded to an aside, in ways that made it easy for someone not paying attention to think you had responded to (1).
Critiquing your non-linking was simply not the point of that flag. The structure of the main thing I was going for was: “you provide explanation A for observation X. But B would also explain X.” And the reason I was saying this was something like: it’s easy to see an explanation, check that it makes sense/is consistent with the available evidence, and then assume it’s true. I think we more reliably arrive at true conclusions if we keep in mind that there are other possible explanations, and pointing out another possible explanation helps with that.
you’ve apparently decided that I’m definitely a rapist
I do think you’re a rapist, but “definitely” is coming out of nowhere here.
are you interested in further dialog on (2) or (3)
Probably not super interested.
But, to be clear… this is only partly because I think you’re a rapist? It’s also because this is a frustrating conversation for me even completely ignoring that.
I said, early on, that I wasn’t directly talking about the accusations. That was true, and for the most part it’s still true. I have now directly spoken about the accusations. But none of the things I flagged were directly about them; and the things I flagged are not primarily why I believe them.
But like, I specifically said that you didn’t address point (1). And then you said you thought you’d addressed it, without even acknowledging that I said you hadn’t. So...
...combine that with the multiple other ways, in this thread, that I’ve pointed out where I think you’ve essentially “missed the point”, zero of which you’ve replied to...
...I really don’t see this being a productive conversation? Especially not for the amount of effort it’s taking.
And then there’s the fact that, yeah, I think you’re a rapist and I feel kinda weird having a semi-polite conversation with you on what’s kind of a question of procedural norms? Especially in this particular comment thread.
All that said: I do think the questions “is Alex a rapist” and “are Alex’s comments bad in the ways I think they are” are different questions. You get to defend yourself on the second even if you’re guilty on the first.
(And obviously you get to defend yourself on the first question too. I’m not having that conversation in public, but I’d be potentially open to a private conversation through a mediator we both trust, if you happen to want that.)
So like, if you think your comments are not bad in the ways I think they’re bad, and you want to put in the effort to defend them… I don’t promise a reply, and conditional on a reply I don’t promise an effortful one. But I do think you should feel able to do that.
Something I wanted to say was: in Shekinah’s followup post, she does use the word rape to describe the experience. For example, she says explicitly “This incident of sexual assault meets the federal definition of “rape”″. And in reply to a commenter saying “What you’re describing is unambiguously rape”, she says “I straightforwardly agree”.
I was hesitant to say this initially, because although it’s already linked in this comment section, I didn’t know for sure if Alex had read it. If he had not, then by saying the above, I’d essentially be directing a rapist’s attention back towards his victim, which seems like a bad thing to do in general. I have since been in communication with Shekinah, and she has given me the okay to say it.
She also tells me that in private conversation with Alex, before he blocked her, she made him aware that she considers it rape. She has given me the okay to share this, too.
(And obviously you get to defend yourself on the first question too. I’m not having that conversation in public …)
Yeah I am also very pessimistic about having the core argument about sexual assault on the public internet so I agree with not trying to resolve that part right here.
Critiquing your non-linking was simply not the point of that flag. The structure of the main thing I was going for was: “you provide explanation A for observation X. But B would also explain X.” And the reason I was saying this was something like: it’s easy to see an explanation, check that it makes sense/is consistent with the available evidence, and then assume it’s true. I think we more reliably arrive at true conclusions if we keep in mind that there are other possible explanations, and pointing out another possible explanation helps with that.
Got it! Sorry! I really thought you were directly critiquing my non-linking to Shekinah’s post. I think I read your comment in the midst of feeling wrongfully accused about stuff and didn’t read as carefully as I should have.
Ok so yeah I really agree about keeping in mind that there are other possible explanations, and the value of that for not over-weighting the first plausible explanation found.
It’s hard though. In this particular case you might point out an alternative explanation for my actions, and I might respond “yeah but I remember reasoning in such and such a way”. That could be introduction of new evidence, too.
Yet memories about intentions and mental states quickly become extremely fuzzy. Sometimes it’s better to go based on concrete actions taken.
Probably not super interested
I won’t expand on (2) or (3) for now then. Just noting this for readers who are evaluating my helpfulness/unhelpfulness on this thread (which I support readers doing btw!). Sorry it was such a long time between comments. I may not have come back at all if you hadn’t pointed out my long absence, so thank you for doing that.
Recall that the description in the original letter was:
The thing Shekinah describes here is rape, legally and ethically, whether she uses the word or not.
There is more I’d like to say here. There are questions that I don’t really know how to navigate, around respecting Shekinah’s agency and privacy and right to self-definition. But having that conversation with Alex seems disrespectful. So anyone who isn’t Alex is welcome to PM me for further thoughts.
You have not. In a previous comment I pointed out that you responded to an aside, in ways that made it easy for someone not paying attention to think you had responded to (1).
Critiquing your non-linking was simply not the point of that flag. The structure of the main thing I was going for was: “you provide explanation A for observation X. But B would also explain X.” And the reason I was saying this was something like: it’s easy to see an explanation, check that it makes sense/is consistent with the available evidence, and then assume it’s true. I think we more reliably arrive at true conclusions if we keep in mind that there are other possible explanations, and pointing out another possible explanation helps with that.
I do think you’re a rapist, but “definitely” is coming out of nowhere here.
Probably not super interested.
But, to be clear… this is only partly because I think you’re a rapist? It’s also because this is a frustrating conversation for me even completely ignoring that.
I said, early on, that I wasn’t directly talking about the accusations. That was true, and for the most part it’s still true. I have now directly spoken about the accusations. But none of the things I flagged were directly about them; and the things I flagged are not primarily why I believe them.
But like, I specifically said that you didn’t address point (1). And then you said you thought you’d addressed it, without even acknowledging that I said you hadn’t. So...
...combine that with the multiple other ways, in this thread, that I’ve pointed out where I think you’ve essentially “missed the point”, zero of which you’ve replied to...
...I really don’t see this being a productive conversation? Especially not for the amount of effort it’s taking.
And then there’s the fact that, yeah, I think you’re a rapist and I feel kinda weird having a semi-polite conversation with you on what’s kind of a question of procedural norms? Especially in this particular comment thread.
All that said: I do think the questions “is Alex a rapist” and “are Alex’s comments bad in the ways I think they are” are different questions. You get to defend yourself on the second even if you’re guilty on the first.
(And obviously you get to defend yourself on the first question too. I’m not having that conversation in public, but I’d be potentially open to a private conversation through a mediator we both trust, if you happen to want that.)
So like, if you think your comments are not bad in the ways I think they’re bad, and you want to put in the effort to defend them… I don’t promise a reply, and conditional on a reply I don’t promise an effortful one. But I do think you should feel able to do that.
Something I wanted to say was: in Shekinah’s followup post, she does use the word rape to describe the experience. For example, she says explicitly “This incident of sexual assault meets the federal definition of “rape”″. And in reply to a commenter saying “What you’re describing is unambiguously rape”, she says “I straightforwardly agree”.
I was hesitant to say this initially, because although it’s already linked in this comment section, I didn’t know for sure if Alex had read it. If he had not, then by saying the above, I’d essentially be directing a rapist’s attention back towards his victim, which seems like a bad thing to do in general. I have since been in communication with Shekinah, and she has given me the okay to say it.
She also tells me that in private conversation with Alex, before he blocked her, she made him aware that she considers it rape. She has given me the okay to share this, too.
Yeah I am also very pessimistic about having the core argument about sexual assault on the public internet so I agree with not trying to resolve that part right here.
Got it! Sorry! I really thought you were directly critiquing my non-linking to Shekinah’s post. I think I read your comment in the midst of feeling wrongfully accused about stuff and didn’t read as carefully as I should have.
Ok so yeah I really agree about keeping in mind that there are other possible explanations, and the value of that for not over-weighting the first plausible explanation found.
It’s hard though. In this particular case you might point out an alternative explanation for my actions, and I might respond “yeah but I remember reasoning in such and such a way”. That could be introduction of new evidence, too.
Yet memories about intentions and mental states quickly become extremely fuzzy. Sometimes it’s better to go based on concrete actions taken.
I won’t expand on (2) or (3) for now then. Just noting this for readers who are evaluating my helpfulness/unhelpfulness on this thread (which I support readers doing btw!). Sorry it was such a long time between comments. I may not have come back at all if you hadn’t pointed out my long absence, so thank you for doing that.