Yeah, I noticed on Reddit that divorce is the most typical reason why men start to improve. For some reason, men in long-term relationships kinda forget to do many cool things for themselves. And when the relationship ends, they start doing all these things and become much more interesting. Looks like it worked for you too! Congratulations on the social exercises, sports and studying, and please don’t stop :-)
Reading the first part of your story was really depressing though. Why did you endure so much, why didn’t you just dump her immediately? Did someone advise you to be “understanding” in that kind of situation? If so, that person probably shouldn’t be giving advice.
Why did you endure so much, why didn’t you just dump her immediately?
The easy way out isn’t necessarily the best way out. Think about the consequences for all (!) involved. From a utility-maximizing point of view (weighted or not) this may make sense.
The easy way out isn’t necessarily the best way out.
How so? You divorced anyway, and got a bunch of suffering and disrespect on top.
If someone advised you that a “desperate effort” of that kind (writing poems, etc.) would help you win back your wife, that person probably shouldn’t be giving advice either. As a matter of fact, I think that my advice from the previous comment actually gives you a higher chance of winning someone back, though it’s not viewed as a goal. Yes, dumping someone can be difficult because your emotions are strong. It’s also a “desperate effort”, but of a different kind :-)
‘dumping’ someone creates a forced choice; a symmetry breaking with all its consequences. The chance of winning her back that way (with all the consequences and further repeat risks down the line) has to be weighted against the consequences of entirely alienating her (which likely involves a break in the family and trauma for the children).
The divorce is real I agree. But it was no fight. We go along OK. Like friendly neighbors (who look after each others kids kind of).
got a bunch of suffering and disrespect on top.
Humans can take that quite well if it is limited and balanced by joy of achievement.
If someone advised you that a “desperate effort”
I wasn’t advised to make a desperate effort in either direction. I got advice but wasn’t urged. My effort stemmed from intrinsic motivation.
I agree that the effort to win someone back can be a desperate effort too. I didn’t read your comment that way initially, but now it looks more fitting.
The chance of winning her back that way (with all the consequences and further repeat risks down the line) has to be weighted against the consequences of entirely alienating her (which likely involves a break in the family and trauma for the children).
Since you are discussing your private life in public, would you mind if I’d ask why would you want to “win” her back? Seriously, she attempted to bring another man in your house. And if you just dumped her, what would she have gained by becoming hostile?
Since you are discussing your private life in public.
That is a point I’m not really happy with. The personal crisis account took a life of its own. The border is slippery here on LW where openness is valued and personal accounts with lessons for others are frequent (rationality diary and such). I’m aware that the privacy separation of account broke down.
Yeah, I noticed on Reddit that divorce is the most typical reason why men start to improve. For some reason, men in long-term relationships kinda forget to do many cool things for themselves. And when the relationship ends, they start doing all these things and become much more interesting. Looks like it worked for you too! Congratulations on the social exercises, sports and studying, and please don’t stop :-)
Reading the first part of your story was really depressing though. Why did you endure so much, why didn’t you just dump her immediately? Did someone advise you to be “understanding” in that kind of situation? If so, that person probably shouldn’t be giving advice.
http://vimeo.com/12915013
The easy way out isn’t necessarily the best way out. Think about the consequences for all (!) involved. From a utility-maximizing point of view (weighted or not) this may make sense.
It can be worth it to make a desperate effort.
I wasn’t advised to be understanding. I am understanding.
Human bonding can be very strong. It alters your (not so) terminal goals.
How so? You divorced anyway, and got a bunch of suffering and disrespect on top.
If someone advised you that a “desperate effort” of that kind (writing poems, etc.) would help you win back your wife, that person probably shouldn’t be giving advice either. As a matter of fact, I think that my advice from the previous comment actually gives you a higher chance of winning someone back, though it’s not viewed as a goal. Yes, dumping someone can be difficult because your emotions are strong. It’s also a “desperate effort”, but of a different kind :-)
‘dumping’ someone creates a forced choice; a symmetry breaking with all its consequences. The chance of winning her back that way (with all the consequences and further repeat risks down the line) has to be weighted against the consequences of entirely alienating her (which likely involves a break in the family and trauma for the children).
The divorce is real I agree. But it was no fight. We go along OK. Like friendly neighbors (who look after each others kids kind of).
Humans can take that quite well if it is limited and balanced by joy of achievement.
I wasn’t advised to make a desperate effort in either direction. I got advice but wasn’t urged. My effort stemmed from intrinsic motivation.
I agree that the effort to win someone back can be a desperate effort too. I didn’t read your comment that way initially, but now it looks more fitting.
Since you are discussing your private life in public, would you mind if I’d ask why would you want to “win” her back? Seriously, she attempted to bring another man in your house.
And if you just dumped her, what would she have gained by becoming hostile?
Because I was heavily in love with her? Because it could conceivably have been better for child children? Because I could see my failures in it?
That is a question asking rationality from someone not known to follow such a course in an emotional situation...
That is a point I’m not really happy with. The personal crisis account took a life of its own. The border is slippery here on LW where openness is valued and personal accounts with lessons for others are frequent (rationality diary and such). I’m aware that the privacy separation of account broke down.