I wish my mother had used this strategy, instead of the completely arbitrary-sounding “this is just the way you are to do things” which just caused a counter-reaction.
Grownups have already learned the reason to follow the rules: it’s what society expects, so your life will be easier and you will be able to accomplish more if you follow them. But for the most part they learned it by osmosis, intuition, and implication—as you presumably did when you grew up—because nobody made it explicit to them, either. I think that most people don’t explain this to their kids because they don’t understand it themselves; they’ve never verbalized the reason, so they’re just passing on the social pressure which worked for them.
The sad thing about this is not only that it leads to parroting “courtesy” without real understanding. It’s that without being able to articulate the purpose of the social contract in general, one can’t evaluate the reasons for specific clauses within it. When they seem arbitrary, they’re difficult to remember, and even more difficult to respect. Consciously examining the structure allows you to see patterns in it (e.g. if X is rude, putting someone in a position where they must do X is also rude), as well as compare their implied goals against your actual goals.
For example, there are a few situations where I consider a clear understanding of the situation more important than courtesy, and will press someone to explain something which would otherwise be rude to ask for. But, unless they already know me well not to need it, I’ll also explain what I’m doing and why, so they know it’s not simply out of disregard. Like many things (grammar, musical composition), you have to understand the rules well before you can break them intelligently. It’s a lot more acceptable to violate the social contract if you understand why the part you’re violating exists and have made a conscious choice not to follow it.
I suspect that, for that reason, real understanding of society and its rules would make social change easier and bring the rules themselves more in line with peoples’ actual goals. The key word there is “real,” though. Just a little knowledge is a dangerous thing.
I wish my mother had used this strategy, instead of the completely arbitrary-sounding “this is just the way you are to do things” which just caused a counter-reaction.
Grownups have already learned the reason to follow the rules: it’s what society expects, so your life will be easier and you will be able to accomplish more if you follow them. But for the most part they learned it by osmosis, intuition, and implication—as you presumably did when you grew up—because nobody made it explicit to them, either. I think that most people don’t explain this to their kids because they don’t understand it themselves; they’ve never verbalized the reason, so they’re just passing on the social pressure which worked for them.
The sad thing about this is not only that it leads to parroting “courtesy” without real understanding. It’s that without being able to articulate the purpose of the social contract in general, one can’t evaluate the reasons for specific clauses within it. When they seem arbitrary, they’re difficult to remember, and even more difficult to respect. Consciously examining the structure allows you to see patterns in it (e.g. if X is rude, putting someone in a position where they must do X is also rude), as well as compare their implied goals against your actual goals.
For example, there are a few situations where I consider a clear understanding of the situation more important than courtesy, and will press someone to explain something which would otherwise be rude to ask for. But, unless they already know me well not to need it, I’ll also explain what I’m doing and why, so they know it’s not simply out of disregard. Like many things (grammar, musical composition), you have to understand the rules well before you can break them intelligently. It’s a lot more acceptable to violate the social contract if you understand why the part you’re violating exists and have made a conscious choice not to follow it.
I suspect that, for that reason, real understanding of society and its rules would make social change easier and bring the rules themselves more in line with peoples’ actual goals. The key word there is “real,” though. Just a little knowledge is a dangerous thing.