There is a difference between “I want sex with you specifically (because you attract me)”, and “I want sex with anyone (and you are the nearest one)”. For me, the former would feel nice, but the latter would feel… creepy.
This may be another situation of not being specific: when women report that “men were put off by them being direct about wanting sex with them”, I don’t know which one of these situations it was. Also, it depends on context; there is a difference between getting a sex offer from a friendly person in a romantic situation, or getting a sex offer from an unknown heavily drunk woman at a disco (happened to me, and yes I was put off). These details may change the situation, and are usually not reported, because of course the goal of report is to make the other people seem horrible.
Another possibility is that if a woman makes a courteous and straightforward statement of interest, there’s no guarantee that the man is likewise interested, but she might interpret this as being wrong for being straightforward rather than that there was no way he was going to reciprocate.
From the comments, and I admit there was less than I thought there was going to be:
I remember when I first started dating my fiancé (four years ago now!), he told me that if a woman tells a man she likes him before he makes a move, he’ll stop liking her. I thought this was supremely stupid, so I told my dad about it in a can-you-believe-he-said-that-roll-eyes fashion, but my dad actually told me he thinks that’s true! I definitely want to break that train of thought in the next generation. It’s really stupid, like teaching women that speaking up makes them unattractive.
And seriously, if I hadn’t been direct about my feelings when I started dating my fiancé, it would’ve taken forever for our relationship to become more serious, because who wants to risk rejection by asking out someone who has given no indication that they like you?
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It’s fascinating to me because I’m recently divorced and back in the dating game, and I am failing miserably because I refuse to do this. I’m an honest and open person. I don’t believe in playing games, and the games confuse me anyway. If I like someone, I tell them. And apparently this is now perceived as “coming on too strong” and is INTIMIDATING? My friends are convinced I push people away by being too forward. My gosh, I’m not saying, “Hello, nice to meet you, let’s screw.” I’m saying things like, “We’ve been talking for awhile and I think you’re interesting. Let’s get drinks sometimes.” How is this intimidating? I think you hit the nail on the head.
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One of the reasons women may not want to say yes immediately is the continuing social stigma attached to confident, self-assured women. I have always rejected the hard-to-get routine, and been clear in my requests for friendship or sex. Some men have been frightened by my assertiveness, but many have been relieved by it.
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″ I felt conflicted about being as blunt and up-front as I am about dating because it was contradictory to all the advice I’d always been given, but to do otherwise feels dishonest. However, everything paid off when I found my boyfriend. He’s totally clueless when it comes to “playing the dating game” so he didn’t push me, or try to read into what I said. He took my honesty at face value, and every “no” as a “no.”
This one might be evidence—it depends on what she meant by “everything paid off when I found my boyfriend”. I’m inclined to think that her honesty didn’t work a few times.
Being the one who approaches has many advantages, but it comes with a cost—one must learn to deal with rejection. There is a difference between knowing, generally, “my attractivity is probably average”, and being specifically rejected by one specific sympathetic person who seemed to be interested just a while ago, but probably just wanted to talk.
Interpreting rejection as “these men are afraid of a honest / courageous woman” can help protect the ego. It could also be why the men said it—to avoid an offense, a confrontation. (Women also say various things that don’t make much sense, when they mean: “I don’t consider you attractive.”) I mean, if an extremely attractive woman would approach those men, a lot of them yould probably say yes and consider themselves lucky. (This is an experimentally testable prediction!)
There is a difference between “I want sex with you specifically (because you attract me)”, and “I want sex with anyone (and you are the nearest one)”. For me, the former would feel nice, but the latter would feel… creepy.
This may be another situation of not being specific: when women report that “men were put off by them being direct about wanting sex with them”, I don’t know which one of these situations it was. Also, it depends on context; there is a difference between getting a sex offer from a friendly person in a romantic situation, or getting a sex offer from an unknown heavily drunk woman at a disco (happened to me, and yes I was put off). These details may change the situation, and are usually not reported, because of course the goal of report is to make the other people seem horrible.
Another possibility is that if a woman makes a courteous and straightforward statement of interest, there’s no guarantee that the man is likewise interested, but she might interpret this as being wrong for being straightforward rather than that there was no way he was going to reciprocate.
From the comments, and I admit there was less than I thought there was going to be:
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This one might be evidence—it depends on what she meant by “everything paid off when I found my boyfriend”. I’m inclined to think that her honesty didn’t work a few times.
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Being the one who approaches has many advantages, but it comes with a cost—one must learn to deal with rejection. There is a difference between knowing, generally, “my attractivity is probably average”, and being specifically rejected by one specific sympathetic person who seemed to be interested just a while ago, but probably just wanted to talk.
Interpreting rejection as “these men are afraid of a honest / courageous woman” can help protect the ego. It could also be why the men said it—to avoid an offense, a confrontation. (Women also say various things that don’t make much sense, when they mean: “I don’t consider you attractive.”) I mean, if an extremely attractive woman would approach those men, a lot of them yould probably say yes and consider themselves lucky. (This is an experimentally testable prediction!)