In sum, the executive thread in my brain did everything in its power to shut itself off.
Literally gave me chills!
Sometimes when I’m sitting zen I find myself wanting to be doing almost anything else. I keep having thoughts about wanting the bell to ring and the period to be over. Just being is too much for the conscious mind! But, as you note, this is tantamount to a wish for, if not death, then at least temporary respite from the burden of living.
I don’t quite know what to do with that, but I will say I am alternatively at peace when sitting when I am able to sit in open awareness and the self falls away. I don’t fail to notice the moments—it’s not like I’m in a trance or asleep—but I also don’t want them to go any faster or slower. They can just be.
I’ll also note that I do something similar to you it sounds like when my mind wants to turn away from what it would otherwise do: I let my mind wander. I find I’m better rewarded for my time with a refreshed mind and new ideas than if I spent my time escaping from myself.
Literally gave me chills!
Sometimes when I’m sitting zen I find myself wanting to be doing almost anything else. I keep having thoughts about wanting the bell to ring and the period to be over. Just being is too much for the conscious mind! But, as you note, this is tantamount to a wish for, if not death, then at least temporary respite from the burden of living.
I don’t quite know what to do with that, but I will say I am alternatively at peace when sitting when I am able to sit in open awareness and the self falls away. I don’t fail to notice the moments—it’s not like I’m in a trance or asleep—but I also don’t want them to go any faster or slower. They can just be.
I’ll also note that I do something similar to you it sounds like when my mind wants to turn away from what it would otherwise do: I let my mind wander. I find I’m better rewarded for my time with a refreshed mind and new ideas than if I spent my time escaping from myself.