At some point I started feeling like my bf is more interested in telling me things than having a conversation with me. So I started trying to flag the instances where he did it and the instances where he didn’t, and it kinda felt like it matched my feeling since I had several more examples of one than the other. But I didn’t document then carefully or anything, so how do I know I’m not falling into the confirmation bias trap? Or is this just the wrong way to handle something that started out as a … feeling?
In your position, I would do a few different things.
One is what you describe: actually count instances and see if the pattern conforms to my expectations.
But also, I would try to articulate more clearly what the choices are. That is, what do I look for when I want to see if he is interested in having a conversation? Am I looking for him to listen to what I have to say? To ask questions about it? To not challenge it when he disagrees? To look directly at me and not do other things while I’m talking? To allow me to pause in the middle of what I’m saying with out treating that as an opportunity to change the subject? Something else? All of the above?
Also, I would ask myself what would follow if it turned out that I was overcounting confirmations? That is, let’s say I conclude that one thing that makes me feel like my boyfriend isn’t interested in having a conversation with me is when he interrupts me. I might ask myself, suppose I start actually counting instances and I conclude that he only interrupts me one conversation out of ten, when I had estimated it was nine conversations out of ten. It is likely, then, that I’d succumbed to confirmation bias.
But… what follows from that?
One possibility is “Oh… well, 10% interruptions isn’t that big a deal. I should get over it.” Another possibility is “Clearly, 10% interruptions is enough to upset me. We should try for a lower rate.”
Knowing how I would go about making that choice for a measured probability once I have it is, IME, an important part of actually improving the system. Otherwise I’m just making measurements.
Yeah, I think this is the hardest part because in some cases, examining the actual facts does make me feel better. But in this case, if it does turn out to be 10% but the bad feeling doesn’t go away, I’m going to feel like a jerk. Also, it’s impossible to compare to the past at this point, which is when it felt like we had more real conversations, but I have no data from it because back then I didn’t have any reason to track it.
To break confirmation bias, you need an objective log. Write down every time you recognize a confirming event, as well as every time you recognize an even which is nonconfirming. Then, estimate the likelihood that you would recognize and write down a confirming event, and the likelihood that you would recognize and write down a nonconforming event. Use your surprise that a nonconfirming event just occurred, as well as your surprise that you noticed it and made a note of it to form that estimate.
If you find yourself more surprised that you made a not of a nonconfirming event than that it happened, it probably happens much more often than you note it.
This seems tricky. What is (I would guess) important about your situation is that you want to have more conversations with him. So hey, if you want to have more conversations, do things that will result in that happening.
If your number of conversations changes noticeably and that feeling doesn’t go away, or you get the same feeling about something else instead, then yeah, maybe the root cause is something else. (It’s like when I’m procrastinating and I feel like I really want to visit website X, and then I feel I really want to read book Y, but the feeling is really just “procrastination-feeling” from not wanting to start chore Z.)
At some point I started feeling like my bf is more interested in telling me things than having a conversation with me. So I started trying to flag the instances where he did it and the instances where he didn’t, and it kinda felt like it matched my feeling since I had several more examples of one than the other. But I didn’t document then carefully or anything, so how do I know I’m not falling into the confirmation bias trap? Or is this just the wrong way to handle something that started out as a … feeling?
In your position, I would do a few different things.
One is what you describe: actually count instances and see if the pattern conforms to my expectations.
But also, I would try to articulate more clearly what the choices are. That is, what do I look for when I want to see if he is interested in having a conversation? Am I looking for him to listen to what I have to say? To ask questions about it? To not challenge it when he disagrees? To look directly at me and not do other things while I’m talking? To allow me to pause in the middle of what I’m saying with out treating that as an opportunity to change the subject? Something else? All of the above?
Also, I would ask myself what would follow if it turned out that I was overcounting confirmations? That is, let’s say I conclude that one thing that makes me feel like my boyfriend isn’t interested in having a conversation with me is when he interrupts me. I might ask myself, suppose I start actually counting instances and I conclude that he only interrupts me one conversation out of ten, when I had estimated it was nine conversations out of ten. It is likely, then, that I’d succumbed to confirmation bias.
But… what follows from that?
One possibility is “Oh… well, 10% interruptions isn’t that big a deal. I should get over it.”
Another possibility is “Clearly, 10% interruptions is enough to upset me. We should try for a lower rate.”
Knowing how I would go about making that choice for a measured probability once I have it is, IME, an important part of actually improving the system. Otherwise I’m just making measurements.
I’m confused why she should measure it at all. This line of reasoning seems to preclude the need for measurement.
Yeah, I think this is the hardest part because in some cases, examining the actual facts does make me feel better. But in this case, if it does turn out to be 10% but the bad feeling doesn’t go away, I’m going to feel like a jerk. Also, it’s impossible to compare to the past at this point, which is when it felt like we had more real conversations, but I have no data from it because back then I didn’t have any reason to track it.
Why?
To break confirmation bias, you need an objective log. Write down every time you recognize a confirming event, as well as every time you recognize an even which is nonconfirming. Then, estimate the likelihood that you would recognize and write down a confirming event, and the likelihood that you would recognize and write down a nonconforming event. Use your surprise that a nonconfirming event just occurred, as well as your surprise that you noticed it and made a note of it to form that estimate.
If you find yourself more surprised that you made a not of a nonconfirming event than that it happened, it probably happens much more often than you note it.
This seems tricky. What is (I would guess) important about your situation is that you want to have more conversations with him. So hey, if you want to have more conversations, do things that will result in that happening.
If your number of conversations changes noticeably and that feeling doesn’t go away, or you get the same feeling about something else instead, then yeah, maybe the root cause is something else. (It’s like when I’m procrastinating and I feel like I really want to visit website X, and then I feel I really want to read book Y, but the feeling is really just “procrastination-feeling” from not wanting to start chore Z.)