A question about romantic relationships: Let’s say currently I think that a girl needs to have a certain level of smartness in order for me to date her long-term/marry her. Suppose I then start dating a girl and decide that actually, being smart isn’t as important as I thought because the girl makes up for it in other ways (e.g. being very pretty/pleasant/submissive). I think this kind of change of mind is legitimate in some cases (e.g. because I got better at figuring out what I value in a woman) and illegitimate in other cases (e.g. because the girl I’m dating managed to seduce me and mess up my introspection). My question is, is this distinction real, and if so, is there any way for me to tell which situation I am in (legitimate vs illegitimate change of mind) once I’ve already begun dating the girl?
This problem arises because I think dating is important for introspecting about what I want, i.e. there is a point after which I can no longer obtain new information about my preferences via thinking alone. The problem is that dating is also potentially a values-corrupting process, i.e. dating someone who doesn’t meet certain criteria I think I might have means that I can get trapped in a relationship.
I’m also curious to hear if people think this isn’t a big problem (and if so, why).
The best way to do that kind of introspection is to not do it alone but with trusted friends. It does take a good friendship to have these kinds of conversations but having a trusted outside perspective is key.
And, well, everything in life is potentially value-corrupting, or value-improving, depending on whether you judge from your past self’s or present self’s point of view. I think the more experience you have in dating, the better judgement you can make about what makes you happy. And if a girl seduced you with great sex, that’s a predictor of a good relationship, don’t see anything illegitimate about that. There are known failure modes in relationships: you don’t want to end up with an abuser, an alcoholic or a drug addict. If you’re not in one of these, it’s probably fine. From personal experience, I married a man with a lower IQ, and I’m happy.
Do you have prior positions on relationships that you don’t want to get corrupted through the dating process, or something else? Intelligence beyond your cone of tolerance is usually a trait that people pursue because they think it’s “ethical”, not because they’re genuinely attracted to it.
Do you have prior positions on relationships that you don’t want to get corrupted through the dating process, or something else?
I think that’s one way of putting it. I’m fine with my prior positions on relationships changing because of better introspection (aided by dating), but not fine with my prior positions changing because they are getting corrupted.
Intelligence beyond your cone of tolerance is usually a trait that people pursue because they think it’s “ethical”
I’m not sure I understand what you mean. Could you try re-stating this in different words?
A question about romantic relationships: Let’s say currently I think that a girl needs to have a certain level of smartness in order for me to date her long-term/marry her. Suppose I then start dating a girl and decide that actually, being smart isn’t as important as I thought because the girl makes up for it in other ways (e.g. being very pretty/pleasant/submissive). I think this kind of change of mind is legitimate in some cases (e.g. because I got better at figuring out what I value in a woman) and illegitimate in other cases (e.g. because the girl I’m dating managed to seduce me and mess up my introspection). My question is, is this distinction real, and if so, is there any way for me to tell which situation I am in (legitimate vs illegitimate change of mind) once I’ve already begun dating the girl?
This problem arises because I think dating is important for introspecting about what I want, i.e. there is a point after which I can no longer obtain new information about my preferences via thinking alone. The problem is that dating is also potentially a values-corrupting process, i.e. dating someone who doesn’t meet certain criteria I think I might have means that I can get trapped in a relationship.
I’m also curious to hear if people think this isn’t a big problem (and if so, why).
The best way to do that kind of introspection is to not do it alone but with trusted friends. It does take a good friendship to have these kinds of conversations but having a trusted outside perspective is key.
Lewak et al (1985) studied 81 couples and found no correlation between IQ and marital satisfation. https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/0191886985901400
And, well, everything in life is potentially value-corrupting, or value-improving, depending on whether you judge from your past self’s or present self’s point of view. I think the more experience you have in dating, the better judgement you can make about what makes you happy. And if a girl seduced you with great sex, that’s a predictor of a good relationship, don’t see anything illegitimate about that. There are known failure modes in relationships: you don’t want to end up with an abuser, an alcoholic or a drug addict. If you’re not in one of these, it’s probably fine. From personal experience, I married a man with a lower IQ, and I’m happy.
Do you have prior positions on relationships that you don’t want to get corrupted through the dating process, or something else? Intelligence beyond your cone of tolerance is usually a trait that people pursue because they think it’s “ethical”, not because they’re genuinely attracted to it.
I think that’s one way of putting it. I’m fine with my prior positions on relationships changing because of better introspection (aided by dating), but not fine with my prior positions changing because they are getting corrupted.
I’m not sure I understand what you mean. Could you try re-stating this in different words?