I’m a female in the PNW area and notice roughly the same reaction that you describe. I don’t smile at absolutely everyone—I limit it to contexts where it seems unlikely to oblige either party to have additional interactions, although that’s still a lot of opportunities. I find that a full-face smile, including the eyes, communicates just fine even in settings where I wear a mask. Then again, my results may be unusual because I present as relatively threatening/intimidating—I have a family member around my age who gets unwanted conversations routinely even without smiling at people. She is shorter, curvier, better at makeup / generally more normal-woman-presenting, and more agreeable than I am—I’m not sure which combo of traits is playing into the difference in response. So I’d say that “smile at people more” is safe advice for some-but-not-all women, with who’s who being probably determined by nuanced and multivariate factors.
My personal social script for making small talk a more positive experience when I have some superficial interaction with someone, often cashiers when shopping, is to compliment a choice the person has made that day/week. Complimenting something they can’t choose (eyes, height, certain bodily proportions, etc) is generally creepy; complimenting a choice they made a long time ago (piercings, tattoos) is hit-or miss; complimenting a small decision that’s clearly a recent choice is almost universally a safe positive.
Similarly, shy people can have an easier time making positive small talk with you if you give them something safe to compliment. Accessorizing beyond the absolute minimum, or wearing an outfit that shows you chose it on purpose, gives people who want to say something nice to you an invitation to remark on it.
Thanks! Bonus points for selecting accessories more likely to catch the eye of the particular sort of shy humans you’d like to invite polite remarks from =)
I’m a female in the PNW area and notice roughly the same reaction that you describe. I don’t smile at absolutely everyone—I limit it to contexts where it seems unlikely to oblige either party to have additional interactions, although that’s still a lot of opportunities. I find that a full-face smile, including the eyes, communicates just fine even in settings where I wear a mask. Then again, my results may be unusual because I present as relatively threatening/intimidating—I have a family member around my age who gets unwanted conversations routinely even without smiling at people. She is shorter, curvier, better at makeup / generally more normal-woman-presenting, and more agreeable than I am—I’m not sure which combo of traits is playing into the difference in response. So I’d say that “smile at people more” is safe advice for some-but-not-all women, with who’s who being probably determined by nuanced and multivariate factors.
My personal social script for making small talk a more positive experience when I have some superficial interaction with someone, often cashiers when shopping, is to compliment a choice the person has made that day/week. Complimenting something they can’t choose (eyes, height, certain bodily proportions, etc) is generally creepy; complimenting a choice they made a long time ago (piercings, tattoos) is hit-or miss; complimenting a small decision that’s clearly a recent choice is almost universally a safe positive.
Similarly, shy people can have an easier time making positive small talk with you if you give them something safe to compliment. Accessorizing beyond the absolute minimum, or wearing an outfit that shows you chose it on purpose, gives people who want to say something nice to you an invitation to remark on it.
Huh, that’s a great justification for wearing accessories!
Thanks! Bonus points for selecting accessories more likely to catch the eye of the particular sort of shy humans you’d like to invite polite remarks from =)