Actually when a person is hurt they might not be in a state of mind to phrase it like that.
I know that I tend to focus on the feeling of being hurt first, and it is incredibly difficult to not react indirectly with defensiveness which would be directed at something other than “I guess you don’t find me interesting”, because that shows vulnerability. A person (like unreflected me) might instinctively attack in a different area to “retaliate” to what they felt was a surprise attack on their self-worth. I am working on this, but I doubt most people with this problem are.
Which should be kept in mind, I think: I agree with ChristianKI that open communication is preferable here, but in a situation where you create emotions in the other person they might find it impossible to stay rational even if their system 2 wants to.
Solution? I actually do like the idea of ending useless conversations very much. I would rephrase it less bluntly which reduces the confrontation. What bothers me about this one is definite statements, e.g. “We should stop”. It implies you expect the other person to have the same opinion as you, which isn’t in the spirit of Tell Culture.
Suggestion:
“I got the feeling that this conversation is not really helping me right now. What is your impression on this? If you agree with me, perhaps we could switch topics?”
(or offer to shift the conversation into a specific direction that you would enjoy)
Generally I would match the carefulness to my impression of how much the other person enjoys the conversation.
Actually when a person is hurt they might not be in a state of mind to phrase it like that. I know that I tend to focus on the feeling of being hurt first, and it is incredibly difficult to not react indirectly with defensiveness which would be directed at something other than “I guess you don’t find me interesting”, because that shows vulnerability. A person (like unreflected me) might instinctively attack in a different area to “retaliate” to what they felt was a surprise attack on their self-worth. I am working on this, but I doubt most people with this problem are.
Which should be kept in mind, I think: I agree with ChristianKI that open communication is preferable here, but in a situation where you create emotions in the other person they might find it impossible to stay rational even if their system 2 wants to.
Solution? I actually do like the idea of ending useless conversations very much. I would rephrase it less bluntly which reduces the confrontation. What bothers me about this one is definite statements, e.g. “We should stop”. It implies you expect the other person to have the same opinion as you, which isn’t in the spirit of Tell Culture.
Suggestion: “I got the feeling that this conversation is not really helping me right now. What is your impression on this? If you agree with me, perhaps we could switch topics?” (or offer to shift the conversation into a specific direction that you would enjoy)
Generally I would match the carefulness to my impression of how much the other person enjoys the conversation.