Part of it is that my memories aren’t particularly vivid. There wouldn’t be any point in building a sense of self around them.
On the other hand, some things like the sense of what I’m hunting when I do calligraphy are quite clear and stable (I guess I think my memory is good enough to make that sort of generalization) and important to me. It would be a huge loss to me if that were gone, especially if it weren’t replaced by something at least as good.
Also, I love watching waves come in, and if it had to be a choice I’d rather be the sort of person who loves watching waves come in than have particular memories of the experience.
There have been.changes in my temperament over the years, but not enough for me to feel as though any of them were a death. I did have the weird experience of taking d-phenylalanine some years ago, and while it improved my mood and energy, I didn’t feel like me, didn’t like that, and didn’t continue.
On the other hand, when I tried lexapro, I felt good, had better mood and energy, but found I was getting into head-banging arguments. That last is something I think is bad enough that I didn’t continue with the drug.
On the other hand, When I say my memories aren’t vivid, I’m talking about sensory memories of events in my life—emotions and moments of kinesthesia are more likely to be remembered, and I’ve got a fairly good memory for facts, my internal monologue, and science fiction, perhaps especially the science fiction I read before the 80s (when there was little enough available (not to mention that I didn’t get online till the 90s)) that I was doing a lot of rereading.
I found out that wellbrutrin (just a few small doses) knocked out my long term memory for months, and I cared more about my memory for golden age (pre 1960, more or less) sf than I realized.
And now we get to why reading some Less Wrong might have made sense even when I was at Esalen. I was thinking about your question, and it hit me that I have some pain associated with accessing memories of events in my life, even if the event wasn’t painful. (I’m not sure I would have been sensitive enough to have noticed this if I hadn’t been doing a lot of qi gong, getting good massage, and generally being in a good environment.)
This could have something to do both with why my memories aren’t that vivid and why I don’t build my sense of self around them.
Since that realization about pain and memory, my sensory memories have become a lot less accessible—in fact, sometimes I can access a memory once, and then it fades out. This strikes me as seriously weird.
I’m hoping that I can find some way to eliminate the association between pain and sensory memories—therapy is on the agenda. My guess is that they will become more accessible and vivid.
FWIW, I have a lot of what you’ve described in terms of non-vivid sensory memories; the primary difference is that my factual memories (“I once did X”, without sensory context) are very important to me, and I don’t have the pain response.
Having said all of that, it may help you to know that my access to childhood memories has improved significantly after therapy, and this was not a therapy goal at all. If you are in the SF bay area, I would be ecstatic to recommend my therapist: http://mylesdownes.com/ (site looks much more newage then he ever behaved with me).
I live in Philadelphia, and it doesn’t seem likely that Myles Downes does phone sessions. It doesn’t surprise me a bit that your access to childhood memories has improved.
I’ve never heard someone say this before and would be interested to hear more :-)
Part of it is that my memories aren’t particularly vivid. There wouldn’t be any point in building a sense of self around them.
On the other hand, some things like the sense of what I’m hunting when I do calligraphy are quite clear and stable (I guess I think my memory is good enough to make that sort of generalization) and important to me. It would be a huge loss to me if that were gone, especially if it weren’t replaced by something at least as good.
Also, I love watching waves come in, and if it had to be a choice I’d rather be the sort of person who loves watching waves come in than have particular memories of the experience.
There have been.changes in my temperament over the years, but not enough for me to feel as though any of them were a death. I did have the weird experience of taking d-phenylalanine some years ago, and while it improved my mood and energy, I didn’t feel like me, didn’t like that, and didn’t continue.
On the other hand, when I tried lexapro, I felt good, had better mood and energy, but found I was getting into head-banging arguments. That last is something I think is bad enough that I didn’t continue with the drug.
On the other hand, When I say my memories aren’t vivid, I’m talking about sensory memories of events in my life—emotions and moments of kinesthesia are more likely to be remembered, and I’ve got a fairly good memory for facts, my internal monologue, and science fiction, perhaps especially the science fiction I read before the 80s (when there was little enough available (not to mention that I didn’t get online till the 90s)) that I was doing a lot of rereading.
I found out that wellbrutrin (just a few small doses) knocked out my long term memory for months, and I cared more about my memory for golden age (pre 1960, more or less) sf than I realized.
And now we get to why reading some Less Wrong might have made sense even when I was at Esalen. I was thinking about your question, and it hit me that I have some pain associated with accessing memories of events in my life, even if the event wasn’t painful. (I’m not sure I would have been sensitive enough to have noticed this if I hadn’t been doing a lot of qi gong, getting good massage, and generally being in a good environment.)
This could have something to do both with why my memories aren’t that vivid and why I don’t build my sense of self around them.
Since that realization about pain and memory, my sensory memories have become a lot less accessible—in fact, sometimes I can access a memory once, and then it fades out. This strikes me as seriously weird.
I’m hoping that I can find some way to eliminate the association between pain and sensory memories—therapy is on the agenda. My guess is that they will become more accessible and vivid.
FWIW, I have a lot of what you’ve described in terms of non-vivid sensory memories; the primary difference is that my factual memories (“I once did X”, without sensory context) are very important to me, and I don’t have the pain response.
Having said all of that, it may help you to know that my access to childhood memories has improved significantly after therapy, and this was not a therapy goal at all. If you are in the SF bay area, I would be ecstatic to recommend my therapist: http://mylesdownes.com/ (site looks much more newage then he ever behaved with me).
I live in Philadelphia, and it doesn’t seem likely that Myles Downes does phone sessions. It doesn’t surprise me a bit that your access to childhood memories has improved.