Given as everyone seems to want to pile unjustified extra assumptions onto the scenario, here are several actual scenarios that I know have occured that took this form:
Alice is angry/upset because of something Bob did. Bob is unaware of what he did, but has picked up on Alice’s anger and wants to help her. a. Alice is trying to convince herself that it doesn’t matter.
-----b. Alice thinks Bob knowing what caused her anger will cause further problems.
Alice wasn’t actually angry/upset at all. Bob believed she was, but was incorrect. His repeated questioning has resulted in her getting angry; making him more confident that there is a problem.
Alice is emotionally abusing Bob, manipulating him so that he will grovel for an explanation, such that when she tells him what she wants him to do, he’ll be forced to do it.
Alice is angry at Bob for something he did. Bob is aware what this is, but wants to pretend he isn’t in order to be able to make Alice feel as though she’s over-reacting
Alice is angry/upset for reasons that have nothing to do with Bob. Bob is concerned for Alice’s wellbeing, but Alice doesn’t want to share.
Alice is angry. Bob knows this, but Alice is actually, honestly, unaware of this fact.
You leave out the fact that there is a common belief in women that “I shouldn’t have to explain. You should just know.”—thereby rendering the need for explanation a further injury to the initial insult.
I usually find that this is what needs to be bypassed early on if any real communicating progress is to be achieved. Generally speaking I resolve this by making it perfectly clear that if the injured party is unwilling to communicate the injury, they are not “allowed” to require redress in any form. Including being angry—thereby making them the party that is acting in the wrong, and requiring them to make amends. (This usually makes me quite “unreasonable” and causes a bigger blow-up than was necessary, but it gives me a vehicle towards more successful resolution after that initial blow-up and furthermore prevents similar scenarios from arising again. Mainly because I will have firmly estabilshed that that belief is not valid with regards to me. Those whom are capable of learning instead of just adding to their cached beliefs will have better relations with me.)
As rare as it seems others find this to be true, I’ve found that being an ass on a routine basis is actually quite useful. Makes people tolerant of the dickish things you do and far more greatful for the helpful things you do. Of course, as with everything, there’s an art to pulling it off.
Upvoted. The general phenomenon is interesting, the gendered aspect could also be interesting, but is also potentially a big distraction. In my relationship, I am definitely often Alex. Although my girlfriend is better at being Bob than most men are, including me (in terms of resolving the issue in a way that we’re both happy with, not ‘winning the conversation’).
It seems to me that even a completely unprejudiced person in Bob’s shoes may very well rationally decide that it’s not worth the trouble to try to understand Alice’s problem. Indeed, I’ve yet to be convinced that empathy is worth the effort required to achieve it in more than a handful of cases.
When this sort of thing has happened to me, I’ve said more or less “I’ll be here if you decide you want my help with whatever it is,” and then turned my back. It seemed to me, then and now, that any other response would have been a complete waste of time and effort.
Alice is angry at Bob for something he did. Bob is not aware what this is. Alice thinks Bob is aware what this is, but wants to pretend he isn’t in order to be able to make Alice feel as though she’s over-reacting. Neither of them are capable of even imagining this might be the situation.
Given as everyone seems to want to pile unjustified extra assumptions onto the scenario, here are several actual scenarios that I know have occured that took this form:
Alice is angry/upset because of something Bob did. Bob is unaware of what he did, but has picked up on Alice’s anger and wants to help her. a. Alice is trying to convince herself that it doesn’t matter. -----b. Alice thinks Bob knowing what caused her anger will cause further problems.
Alice wasn’t actually angry/upset at all. Bob believed she was, but was incorrect. His repeated questioning has resulted in her getting angry; making him more confident that there is a problem.
Alice is emotionally abusing Bob, manipulating him so that he will grovel for an explanation, such that when she tells him what she wants him to do, he’ll be forced to do it.
Alice is angry at Bob for something he did. Bob is aware what this is, but wants to pretend he isn’t in order to be able to make Alice feel as though she’s over-reacting
Alice is angry/upset for reasons that have nothing to do with Bob. Bob is concerned for Alice’s wellbeing, but Alice doesn’t want to share.
Alice is angry. Bob knows this, but Alice is actually, honestly, unaware of this fact.
You leave out the fact that there is a common belief in women that “I shouldn’t have to explain. You should just know.”—thereby rendering the need for explanation a further injury to the initial insult.
I usually find that this is what needs to be bypassed early on if any real communicating progress is to be achieved. Generally speaking I resolve this by making it perfectly clear that if the injured party is unwilling to communicate the injury, they are not “allowed” to require redress in any form. Including being angry—thereby making them the party that is acting in the wrong, and requiring them to make amends. (This usually makes me quite “unreasonable” and causes a bigger blow-up than was necessary, but it gives me a vehicle towards more successful resolution after that initial blow-up and furthermore prevents similar scenarios from arising again. Mainly because I will have firmly estabilshed that that belief is not valid with regards to me. Those whom are capable of learning instead of just adding to their cached beliefs will have better relations with me.)
Yep, seen that many times. Happens with men, too, just not as often. And I think that your approach is quite sensible, if you can see it through.
As rare as it seems others find this to be true, I’ve found that being an ass on a routine basis is actually quite useful. Makes people tolerant of the dickish things you do and far more greatful for the helpful things you do. Of course, as with everything, there’s an art to pulling it off.
As a side note: in several of these scenarios I saw, Alice was male. In several, Bob was female.
Upvoted. The general phenomenon is interesting, the gendered aspect could also be interesting, but is also potentially a big distraction. In my relationship, I am definitely often Alex. Although my girlfriend is better at being Bob than most men are, including me (in terms of resolving the issue in a way that we’re both happy with, not ‘winning the conversation’).
In my experience this sort of conversation tends to act very much like a cached behavior on the both sides of the conversation
Relevant
It seems to me that even a completely unprejudiced person in Bob’s shoes may very well rationally decide that it’s not worth the trouble to try to understand Alice’s problem. Indeed, I’ve yet to be convinced that empathy is worth the effort required to achieve it in more than a handful of cases.
When this sort of thing has happened to me, I’ve said more or less “I’ll be here if you decide you want my help with whatever it is,” and then turned my back. It seemed to me, then and now, that any other response would have been a complete waste of time and effort.
I guess that depends on how much Bob cares about Alice...?
Alice is angry at Bob for something he did. Bob is not aware what this is. Alice thinks Bob is aware what this is, but wants to pretend he isn’t in order to be able to make Alice feel as though she’s over-reacting. Neither of them are capable of even imagining this might be the situation.