I had an unusual case of Typical Mind Fallacy. Our marriage works well because we have similar minds. I tended to assume similar = the same. So I was rather astonished to learn recently that my wife is basing her self-esteem on what she is doing, instead of what she is being. My self-esteem is always based on what I am not what I do, this means I can hate myself for being cowardly or fat or love myself for being smart or strong but there is no requirement at all to use it productively or to do anything at all. For her it is the other way around, she feels she is what she does not what she is. (It sounds like I am very selfish and she is not. May be true.) And a year spent on looking after a baby take a toll on her self-esteem. This means I was doing it entirely the wrong way around, praising her hair, figure, intelligence or sense of humor every time she looked like she is “down” instead of praising her valiant efforts of getting up 3 times a night.
If you look into the mirror, give yourself a thumbs up and say “you are awesome because...” (or if you are depressed: you suck because...) do you finish the sentence with something you are or something you did/achieved? I know it is of course related, yet not the same.
Apparently “are people” and “do people” are a different category and it is good to take this into attention, “are people” are not getting self-esteem from praising what they do and the other way around.
Some people, like me, if I could climb the Mount Everest and would do it, would not feel anything until I figure out what virtue or quality it proves about me. Does it make me smart or tough or what. Some people like my wife is the other way around, she could have an IQ of a million but would not feel proud about it until she actually uses it to achieve something.
So we and perhaps couples / friends with a similar difference will have to take this into account.
Do any psychology interested people know what this two types reduce to, other than me being a selfish ass? :-)
If you look into the mirror, give yourself a thumbs up and say “you are awesome because...” (or if you are depressed: you suck because...) do you finish the sentence with something you are or something you did/achieved?
I think I actually have both modes, but in different circumstances. When I feel good, it’s usually ‘about’ something. I feel good because I did something good. When I feel bad, it’s because I am fat and lazy and timid (and dumb, compared to real LWers).
Some people, like me, if I could climb the Mount Everest and would do it, would not feel anything until I figure out what virtue or quality it proves about me
A recent learning from an error:
I had an unusual case of Typical Mind Fallacy. Our marriage works well because we have similar minds. I tended to assume similar = the same. So I was rather astonished to learn recently that my wife is basing her self-esteem on what she is doing, instead of what she is being. My self-esteem is always based on what I am not what I do, this means I can hate myself for being cowardly or fat or love myself for being smart or strong but there is no requirement at all to use it productively or to do anything at all. For her it is the other way around, she feels she is what she does not what she is. (It sounds like I am very selfish and she is not. May be true.) And a year spent on looking after a baby take a toll on her self-esteem. This means I was doing it entirely the wrong way around, praising her hair, figure, intelligence or sense of humor every time she looked like she is “down” instead of praising her valiant efforts of getting up 3 times a night.
If you look into the mirror, give yourself a thumbs up and say “you are awesome because...” (or if you are depressed: you suck because...) do you finish the sentence with something you are or something you did/achieved? I know it is of course related, yet not the same.
Apparently “are people” and “do people” are a different category and it is good to take this into attention, “are people” are not getting self-esteem from praising what they do and the other way around.
Some people, like me, if I could climb the Mount Everest and would do it, would not feel anything until I figure out what virtue or quality it proves about me. Does it make me smart or tough or what. Some people like my wife is the other way around, she could have an IQ of a million but would not feel proud about it until she actually uses it to achieve something.
So we and perhaps couples / friends with a similar difference will have to take this into account.
Do any psychology interested people know what this two types reduce to, other than me being a selfish ass? :-)
[pollid:985]
I think I actually have both modes, but in different circumstances. When I feel good, it’s usually ‘about’ something. I feel good because I did something good. When I feel bad, it’s because I am fat and lazy and timid (and dumb, compared to real LWers).
Why not both?
What if you’re wrong?
Every everest climber has brain damage.
You may enjoy it cause your brain damaged enough to trick you into enjoying it.
Fascination with risk is on a spectrum. Though it can get much riskier, Risks are well, hazardous and undesirable.