I’m never a fan of “don’t”-oriented guides to social interaction. In my experience, the reason people do things that are taken as creepy is that they don’t know a better way—if they did, wouldn’t they do that and thus avoid alienating everyone in the first place?
Giving more “don’ts” doesn’t solve that problem: it just makes it harder to locate the space of socially-optimal behavior. What’s worse, being extremely restrictive in the social risks you take itself can be taken as creepy! (“Gee, this guy never seems to start conversations with anyone...”)
These guides should instead say what to do, not what not to do, that will make the group more comfortable around you.
Edit: Take this one in particular. 90% is “don’ts”, 5% is stuff of questionable relevance to the archetypal target of these guides (the problem is that male nerds announce their sexual fetishes too early? really?), and the last 5% is the usual vague “be higher status” advice which, if it were as easy as suggested, would have obviated the need for this advice in the first place.
(To its credit, it has a link to more general social adeptness advice that I didn’t read, but then that article, if useful, should be the one linked, not this one.)
I think the Dr Nerdlove link does give useful advice. It tells you what not to do and what you should do instead. I have pretty good social skills, and I’m female, so it’s unlikely that people see me as being creepy, but I actually think that reading through that may have improved my social skills further! For instance, in the past, when I’ve been interested in someone I have sometimes tried to keep talking even when they appear to be losing interest. This paragraph gives very useful advice:
If the conversation is starting to die off – as opposed to a natural lull – you don’t want to try stick around desperately trying to keep things going. Make your excuses and bow out of the conversation gracefully. Similarly, if you notice that her eyes are starting to dart around to the sides – as though she were looking around for someone – you need to realize that she’s looking for someone to rescue her from you.
I’m never a fan of “don’t”-oriented guides to social interaction. In my experience, the reason people do things that are taken as creepy is that they don’t know a better way—if they did, wouldn’t they do that and thus avoid alienating everyone in the first place?
Making things awkward or uncomfortable for others doesn’t incur in them a debt to help you self-optimize and get what you want. You might want to take the advice in the spirit it’s given instead.
I’m never a fan of “don’t”-oriented guides to social interaction. In my experience, the reason people do things that are taken as creepy is that they don’t know a better way—if they did, wouldn’t they do that and thus avoid alienating everyone in the first place?
Giving more “don’ts” doesn’t solve that problem: it just makes it harder to locate the space of socially-optimal behavior. What’s worse, being extremely restrictive in the social risks you take itself can be taken as creepy! (“Gee, this guy never seems to start conversations with anyone...”)
These guides should instead say what to do, not what not to do, that will make the group more comfortable around you.
Edit: Take this one in particular. 90% is “don’ts”, 5% is stuff of questionable relevance to the archetypal target of these guides (the problem is that male nerds announce their sexual fetishes too early? really?), and the last 5% is the usual vague “be higher status” advice which, if it were as easy as suggested, would have obviated the need for this advice in the first place.
(To its credit, it has a link to more general social adeptness advice that I didn’t read, but then that article, if useful, should be the one linked, not this one.)
I think the Dr Nerdlove link does give useful advice. It tells you what not to do and what you should do instead. I have pretty good social skills, and I’m female, so it’s unlikely that people see me as being creepy, but I actually think that reading through that may have improved my social skills further! For instance, in the past, when I’ve been interested in someone I have sometimes tried to keep talking even when they appear to be losing interest. This paragraph gives very useful advice:
If the conversation is starting to die off – as opposed to a natural lull – you don’t want to try stick around desperately trying to keep things going. Make your excuses and bow out of the conversation gracefully. Similarly, if you notice that her eyes are starting to dart around to the sides – as though she were looking around for someone – you need to realize that she’s looking for someone to rescue her from you.
Making things awkward or uncomfortable for others doesn’t incur in them a debt to help you self-optimize and get what you want. You might want to take the advice in the spirit it’s given instead.