Good question, and good observation. My answer, in short, is that NVC is about credibly removing (or diminishing) threat of conflict.
If you step on my toes it very well might be an accident. If it’s an accident, and I know it’s an accident, there’s no reason for me to attack you for it because as soon as you see that I don’t like what you’re doing you’ll stop on your own. In that case, “Hey man, you’re on my toes” isn’t an attack, and there’s no reason to treat it like it must be an attack just because I didn’t like my toes getting stepped on.
However, if you start adding additional pieces to the picture, then the story changes. If I’m “stating an observation” through clenched teeth and with clenched fists, it’s starting to seem a lot more likely that I’m adding a layer of interpretation that is calling for conflict—even if I don’t verbalize the interpretation explicitly.
In the latter case, “nonviolent language” isn’t gonna work because people are generally smart enough to see the incongruence and prefer to trust the body language over the words which are easier to fake. But it’s also not easy to simultaneously hold onto that sense of righteous anger while saying the words that point out the facts which show the anger to not fit.
So if you were to hold yourself to saying “I know you don’t mean to hurt me and aren’t doing it on purpose, but it is very physically painful when you step on my toes, and I worry that bearing so much concentrated weight might even damage them. Can you please gently step back?”, and you know that “you don’t mean to hurt me and aren’t doing it on purpose” is true, then it’s a lot harder to keep doing anger at that person, and even if you’re a bit clenched it’s going to come off more like “this person is overwhelmed and trying to keep it together because they recognize we’re on the same side” than “this person is threatening me”.
Good question, and good observation. My answer, in short, is that NVC is about credibly removing (or diminishing) threat of conflict.
If you step on my toes it very well might be an accident. If it’s an accident, and I know it’s an accident, there’s no reason for me to attack you for it because as soon as you see that I don’t like what you’re doing you’ll stop on your own. In that case, “Hey man, you’re on my toes” isn’t an attack, and there’s no reason to treat it like it must be an attack just because I didn’t like my toes getting stepped on.
However, if you start adding additional pieces to the picture, then the story changes. If I’m “stating an observation” through clenched teeth and with clenched fists, it’s starting to seem a lot more likely that I’m adding a layer of interpretation that is calling for conflict—even if I don’t verbalize the interpretation explicitly.
In the latter case, “nonviolent language” isn’t gonna work because people are generally smart enough to see the incongruence and prefer to trust the body language over the words which are easier to fake. But it’s also not easy to simultaneously hold onto that sense of righteous anger while saying the words that point out the facts which show the anger to not fit.
So if you were to hold yourself to saying “I know you don’t mean to hurt me and aren’t doing it on purpose, but it is very physically painful when you step on my toes, and I worry that bearing so much concentrated weight might even damage them. Can you please gently step back?”, and you know that “you don’t mean to hurt me and aren’t doing it on purpose” is true, then it’s a lot harder to keep doing anger at that person, and even if you’re a bit clenched it’s going to come off more like “this person is overwhelmed and trying to keep it together because they recognize we’re on the same side” than “this person is threatening me”.