How many “first dates” did you have to go through before you found a suitable partner for selfless dating?
How long on average did it take for you to decide that someone wasn’t a suitable partner for selfless dating and break up with them?
Did you have to break up with someone who would have made a fine partner for “hunting rabbit” (conventional dating/romance) just because they weren’t willing/able to “hunt stag” (selfless dating)? If so, what gave you the conviction that this would be a good idea?
Did you or would you suggest explaining what selfless dating is and what your expectations are on your first date with someone?
What were some problems you encountered with selfless dating (after you found your current partner) and how did you overcome them?
Do you have any additional evidence/arguments that you weren’t just very lucky and that selfless dating is actually +EV for your readers (or some identifiable subset of your readers)?
I was in a few long-term relationship in my early twenties when I myself wasn’t mature/aware enough for selfless dating. Then, after a 4-year relationship that was very explicit-rules based had ended, I went on about 25 first dates in the space of about 1 year before meeting my wife. Basically all of those 25 didn’t work because of a lack of mutual interest, not because we both tried to make it a long-term thing but failed to hunt stag.
If I was single today, I would date not through OkCupid as I did back in 2014 but through the intellectual communities I’m part of now. And with the sort of women I would like to date in these communities I would certainly talk about things like selfless dating (and dating philosophy in general) on a first date. Of course, I am unusually blessed in the communities I’m part of (including Rationality).
A lot of my evidence comes from hearing other people’s stories, both positive and negative. I’ve been writing fairly popular posts on dating for half a decade now, and I’ve had both close friends and anonymous online strangers in the dozens share their dating stories and struggles with me. For people who seem generally in a good place to go in the selfless direction the main pitfalls seem to be insecurity spirals and forgetting to communicate.
The former is when people are unable to give their partner the benefit of the doubt on a transgression, which usually stems from their own insecurity. Then they act more selfishly themselves, which causes the partner to be more selfish in turn, and the whole thing spirals.
The latter is when people who hit a good spot stop talking about their wants and needs. As those change they end up with a stale model of each other. Then they inevitably end up making bad decisions and don’t understand why their idyll is deteriorating.
To address your general tone: I am lucky in my dating life, and my post (as I wrote in the OP itself) doesn’t by itself constitute enough evidence for an outside-view update that selfless relationships are better. If this speaks to you intuitively, hopefully this post is an inspiration. If it doesn’t, hopefully it at least informs you of an alternative. But my goal isn’t to prove anything to a rationalist standard, in part because I think this way of thinking is not really helpful in the realm of dating where every person’s journey must be unique.
How many “first dates” did you have to go through before you found a suitable partner for selfless dating?
How long on average did it take for you to decide that someone wasn’t a suitable partner for selfless dating and break up with them?
Did you have to break up with someone who would have made a fine partner for “hunting rabbit” (conventional dating/romance) just because they weren’t willing/able to “hunt stag” (selfless dating)? If so, what gave you the conviction that this would be a good idea?
Did you or would you suggest explaining what selfless dating is and what your expectations are on your first date with someone?
What were some problems you encountered with selfless dating (after you found your current partner) and how did you overcome them?
Do you have any additional evidence/arguments that you weren’t just very lucky and that selfless dating is actually +EV for your readers (or some identifiable subset of your readers)?
I was in a few long-term relationship in my early twenties when I myself wasn’t mature/aware enough for selfless dating. Then, after a 4-year relationship that was very explicit-rules based had ended, I went on about 25 first dates in the space of about 1 year before meeting my wife. Basically all of those 25 didn’t work because of a lack of mutual interest, not because we both tried to make it a long-term thing but failed to hunt stag.
If I was single today, I would date not through OkCupid as I did back in 2014 but through the intellectual communities I’m part of now. And with the sort of women I would like to date in these communities I would certainly talk about things like selfless dating (and dating philosophy in general) on a first date. Of course, I am unusually blessed in the communities I’m part of (including Rationality).
A lot of my evidence comes from hearing other people’s stories, both positive and negative. I’ve been writing fairly popular posts on dating for half a decade now, and I’ve had both close friends and anonymous online strangers in the dozens share their dating stories and struggles with me. For people who seem generally in a good place to go in the selfless direction the main pitfalls seem to be insecurity spirals and forgetting to communicate.
The former is when people are unable to give their partner the benefit of the doubt on a transgression, which usually stems from their own insecurity. Then they act more selfishly themselves, which causes the partner to be more selfish in turn, and the whole thing spirals.
The latter is when people who hit a good spot stop talking about their wants and needs. As those change they end up with a stale model of each other. Then they inevitably end up making bad decisions and don’t understand why their idyll is deteriorating.
To address your general tone: I am lucky in my dating life, and my post (as I wrote in the OP itself) doesn’t by itself constitute enough evidence for an outside-view update that selfless relationships are better. If this speaks to you intuitively, hopefully this post is an inspiration. If it doesn’t, hopefully it at least informs you of an alternative. But my goal isn’t to prove anything to a rationalist standard, in part because I think this way of thinking is not really helpful in the realm of dating where every person’s journey must be unique.