One blind spot we rationalists sometimes have is that charismatic people actually treat the game as:
“Can I think of an association that will make the other person feel good and/or further my goal?”. You need people to feel good, or they won’t participate. And if you want some complicated/favour/uncomftorble_truth then you better mix in some good feels to balance it out and keep the other person participating.
To put it another way: If you hurt people’s brain or ego, rush them, or make them feel unsure, or contradict them, then most untrained humans will feel a little bad. Why would they want to keep feeling bad? Do you like it when people don’t listen, contradict you, insult you, rush you, disagree with you? Probably not, probobly no one does.
But if someone listens to you, smiles at you, likes you, has a good opinion of you, agrees with you, make sense to you. Then it feels good!
This might sound dangerously sycophantic, and that’s because it is—if people overdo it! But if it’s mixed with some healthy understanding, learning, informing then It’s a great conversational lubricant, and you should apply as needed. It just ensures that everyone enjoys themselves and comes back for more, counteracting the normal frictions of socialising.
There are books about this. “How to Win Friends and Influence People” recommends talking about the other person’s interests (including themselves) and listening to them, which they will enjoy.
So I’d say, don’t just free associate. Make sure it’s fun for both parties, make room to listen to the other person, and to let them steer. (And ideally your conversational partner reciprocates, but that is not guaranteed).
One blind spot we rationalists sometimes have is that charismatic people actually treat the game as:
“Can I think of an association that will make the other person feel good and/or further my goal?”. You need people to feel good, or they won’t participate. And if you want some complicated/favour/uncomftorble_truth then you better mix in some good feels to balance it out and keep the other person participating.
To put it another way: If you hurt people’s brain or ego, rush them, or make them feel unsure, or contradict them, then most untrained humans will feel a little bad. Why would they want to keep feeling bad? Do you like it when people don’t listen, contradict you, insult you, rush you, disagree with you? Probably not, probobly no one does.
But if someone listens to you, smiles at you, likes you, has a good opinion of you, agrees with you, make sense to you. Then it feels good!
This might sound dangerously sycophantic, and that’s because it is—if people overdo it! But if it’s mixed with some healthy understanding, learning, informing then It’s a great conversational lubricant, and you should apply as needed. It just ensures that everyone enjoys themselves and comes back for more, counteracting the normal frictions of socialising.
There are books about this. “How to Win Friends and Influence People” recommends talking about the other person’s interests (including themselves) and listening to them, which they will enjoy.
So I’d say, don’t just free associate. Make sure it’s fun for both parties, make room to listen to the other person, and to let them steer. (And ideally your conversational partner reciprocates, but that is not guaranteed).