Oh man, I feel your pain. (Sorry, I meant: “Expression of sympathy and offer of alliance. Attempt to assert myself as a member of your tribe. Emphasis of my own experience in order to give additional weight to my advice, with the added bonus of gaining status in the community.”)
Seriously, don’t overthink. Yes, there are people whose every word and act conceals a hundred layers designed to raise themselves, lower you, and manipulate you, and who’ll treat failure to answer each one perfectly as a personal insult. Your terrified analysis suggests that you’ve been around such people a lot. Don’t hang out with those people. If you can’t help it (coworkers, family), be irreproachable on the surface and ignore the deeper layers. Worst thing that’ll happen is that they’ll gossip behind your back, and horrifying as that thought is (What? It horrifies me!) it won’t actually bring you harm.
Do think somewhat; you should be able to tell the difference between messages that mean “I don’t feel like going bowling with you, but thanks” and messages that mean “I don’t feel like going bowling with you, because I dislike you”, to notice when someone is bored, to gauge and match the level of formality in a given situation. If and when this becomes natural, you might try reading a little deeper, and so on until you either plateau, become a master manipulator, or decide it’s not worth the effort.
Think of it like buying a cup of coffee. There are a lot of questions here: If you make small talk, will that be appreciated or an annoyance? Would saying “joe” instead of “coffee” make you look cool or silly? If you don’t have exact change, is paying with a $10 bill okay or rude? But none of these questions really matter; as long as you’re vaguely in the ballpark, nobody will notice anything unusual, and if they do they’ll forget it instantly. Social interaction in general is basically the same; learn a few simple rules, try to be nice and considerate, and don’t dwell over small failures. Most people are not out to get you.
Oh man, I feel your pain. (Sorry, I meant: “Expression of sympathy and offer of alliance. Attempt to assert myself as a member of your tribe. Emphasis of my own experience in order to give additional weight to my advice, with the added bonus of gaining status in the community.”)
Seriously, don’t overthink. Yes, there are people whose every word and act conceals a hundred layers designed to raise themselves, lower you, and manipulate you, and who’ll treat failure to answer each one perfectly as a personal insult. Your terrified analysis suggests that you’ve been around such people a lot. Don’t hang out with those people. If you can’t help it (coworkers, family), be irreproachable on the surface and ignore the deeper layers. Worst thing that’ll happen is that they’ll gossip behind your back, and horrifying as that thought is (What? It horrifies me!) it won’t actually bring you harm.
Do think somewhat; you should be able to tell the difference between messages that mean “I don’t feel like going bowling with you, but thanks” and messages that mean “I don’t feel like going bowling with you, because I dislike you”, to notice when someone is bored, to gauge and match the level of formality in a given situation. If and when this becomes natural, you might try reading a little deeper, and so on until you either plateau, become a master manipulator, or decide it’s not worth the effort.
Think of it like buying a cup of coffee. There are a lot of questions here: If you make small talk, will that be appreciated or an annoyance? Would saying “joe” instead of “coffee” make you look cool or silly? If you don’t have exact change, is paying with a $10 bill okay or rude? But none of these questions really matter; as long as you’re vaguely in the ballpark, nobody will notice anything unusual, and if they do they’ll forget it instantly. Social interaction in general is basically the same; learn a few simple rules, try to be nice and considerate, and don’t dwell over small failures. Most people are not out to get you.