I’ve been meaning to think more about ego and identity. I also sense that a lot of people have problems where they don’t feel accomplished enough, and where they compare themselves with other people. I know that I have those sorts of problems.
On the one hand, it seems silly to compare yourself to other people like that. Especially when it is taken to such an extreme. But on the other hand, it seems like something that is deeply ingrained in us, and that is very hard to avoid. In reality, that sort of thinking is probably establishing a false dichotomy. Clearly there are some people who are more invested in how accomplished they are than others.
The question that I’m interested in is how to change your mindset, such that you retain your ambition, but aren’t caught up in it, if that makes sense. Where you pursue improvement and accomplishment either because you are intrinsically motivated to do so, or because you want to do good for the world, but not because you want social status points. And where you see the accomplishment as a “nice to have”, rather than an “I’m happy if I get it, and sad if I don’t”. And especially not where you see it as a “I feel normal if I get it, and depressed if I don’t”. I find for myself, and sense that the same is true for many others, that a “logical” understanding often isn’t enough, that your brain still may act as if it’s a necessity rather than a nice to have, even though you logically understand that this mindset is silly. I suppose that this is a much more general problem, and a very important one.
The aspect of comparison I find useful is less competitive and more in noticing that a lot of people are *quietly* having what I consider some pretty bad outcomes in their career, primary relationship, relationship with family, and personal growth. It has been valuable for me to do a bit of analysis of equivalence classes of these sorts of failures and try to avoid the big pitfalls. A lot of this rounds off to stuff that we might already know about like exercise and sleep actually needing to be major priorities, but the greatly added juice of having a feel for the real consequences in the lives of age peers and older folks is great.
I think the way we process information of any kind involves making comparisons. We wouldn’t be able make any distinctions at all without some sort of internal calculation that allows us to understand where one entity ends and another begins, so advising people not to compare themselves to others strikes me as advice that is meant to be helpful, but that does not address the complexity of the human condition. I also don’t think that we can rid ourselves of status concerns-there is evidence to suggest that these have been present in our evolutionary history for a very long time.
It would be nice if a public conversation in the world at large drew people’s attention to ways in which we can reinforce the positive aspects of comparison. These might include an intention to value the efforts people at levels of the socioeconomic hierarchy make despite the challenges they face, even if their accomplishments are small or an attempt to pay attention to things people do, no matter how mundane, that are unique to them. I believe it would also be helpful if as a society we encouraged every one to pursue their dreams and not to accept the limits placed on them by historical circumstances. If we did this, perhaps eventually, after a period in which society was reconfigured to allow for a much broader section of people to experience autonomy and fulfillment in their working life, the middle class would not be so terrified of downward mobility because the floor would not be as connected in the imagination to the worst outcomes imaginable as it is now.
I definitely see what you’re saying about how we make comparisons when we process information, and that there is a strong evolutionary pressure for us to be concerned about social status. The thing that makes me feel hopeful is that when you look at humans, there’s a pretty decent range of how much different people care about social status. Some care a lot, some only care a little. I wouldn’t argue if someone were to claim that you can never 100% get rid of the concern for social status, but it does really seem to me that there is room for growth in terms of how much you care about it. Otherwise, what explains the fact that there is a spectrum of how much people care. Unless it is all genetic, it seems that there is a lot of room for people to improve.
I think that’s a really cool idea about society moving towards healthier comparisons. Without having thought deeply about it, my impression is that it’d be extremely difficult because of equilibrium stuff. If an individual actor starts to prioritize something like effort instead of accomplishment, no one is going to praise them, and they won’t get social status points. It seems like something where you’d need to get a sizable group to all make a change at the same time, which is always tricky to do. Not to say that it isn’t worth pursuing though.
I’ve been meaning to think more about ego and identity. I also sense that a lot of people have problems where they don’t feel accomplished enough, and where they compare themselves with other people. I know that I have those sorts of problems.
On the one hand, it seems silly to compare yourself to other people like that. Especially when it is taken to such an extreme. But on the other hand, it seems like something that is deeply ingrained in us, and that is very hard to avoid. In reality, that sort of thinking is probably establishing a false dichotomy. Clearly there are some people who are more invested in how accomplished they are than others.
The question that I’m interested in is how to change your mindset, such that you retain your ambition, but aren’t caught up in it, if that makes sense. Where you pursue improvement and accomplishment either because you are intrinsically motivated to do so, or because you want to do good for the world, but not because you want social status points. And where you see the accomplishment as a “nice to have”, rather than an “I’m happy if I get it, and sad if I don’t”. And especially not where you see it as a “I feel normal if I get it, and depressed if I don’t”. I find for myself, and sense that the same is true for many others, that a “logical” understanding often isn’t enough, that your brain still may act as if it’s a necessity rather than a nice to have, even though you logically understand that this mindset is silly. I suppose that this is a much more general problem, and a very important one.
The aspect of comparison I find useful is less competitive and more in noticing that a lot of people are *quietly* having what I consider some pretty bad outcomes in their career, primary relationship, relationship with family, and personal growth. It has been valuable for me to do a bit of analysis of equivalence classes of these sorts of failures and try to avoid the big pitfalls. A lot of this rounds off to stuff that we might already know about like exercise and sleep actually needing to be major priorities, but the greatly added juice of having a feel for the real consequences in the lives of age peers and older folks is great.
I think the way we process information of any kind involves making comparisons. We wouldn’t be able make any distinctions at all without some sort of internal calculation that allows us to understand where one entity ends and another begins, so advising people not to compare themselves to others strikes me as advice that is meant to be helpful, but that does not address the complexity of the human condition. I also don’t think that we can rid ourselves of status concerns-there is evidence to suggest that these have been present in our evolutionary history for a very long time.
It would be nice if a public conversation in the world at large drew people’s attention to ways in which we can reinforce the positive aspects of comparison. These might include an intention to value the efforts people at levels of the socioeconomic hierarchy make despite the challenges they face, even if their accomplishments are small or an attempt to pay attention to things people do, no matter how mundane, that are unique to them. I believe it would also be helpful if as a society we encouraged every one to pursue their dreams and not to accept the limits placed on them by historical circumstances. If we did this, perhaps eventually, after a period in which society was reconfigured to allow for a much broader section of people to experience autonomy and fulfillment in their working life, the middle class would not be so terrified of downward mobility because the floor would not be as connected in the imagination to the worst outcomes imaginable as it is now.
I definitely see what you’re saying about how we make comparisons when we process information, and that there is a strong evolutionary pressure for us to be concerned about social status. The thing that makes me feel hopeful is that when you look at humans, there’s a pretty decent range of how much different people care about social status. Some care a lot, some only care a little. I wouldn’t argue if someone were to claim that you can never 100% get rid of the concern for social status, but it does really seem to me that there is room for growth in terms of how much you care about it. Otherwise, what explains the fact that there is a spectrum of how much people care. Unless it is all genetic, it seems that there is a lot of room for people to improve.
I think that’s a really cool idea about society moving towards healthier comparisons. Without having thought deeply about it, my impression is that it’d be extremely difficult because of equilibrium stuff. If an individual actor starts to prioritize something like effort instead of accomplishment, no one is going to praise them, and they won’t get social status points. It seems like something where you’d need to get a sizable group to all make a change at the same time, which is always tricky to do. Not to say that it isn’t worth pursuing though.