I think the topic of how to intentionally make friends is pretty important.
While reading this post, I expected to find myself wary of promoting too risky a strategy – forcing too much vulnerability too quickly, or taking risks that ruined existing relationships. But I actually found the caveats Neel made pretty reasonable. I particularly like:
My main approach is to create a space in which it feels safe to be vulnerable, but try to avoid creating obligations. I try to be honest and vulnerable myself, and freely share things that feel authentic throughout the conversation. I prefer to express lots of small vulnerabilities throughout the conversation rather than sharing something major and making it feel like a big deal—the latter tends to create an obligation/expectation of reciprocation, while the former better establishes a ‘I consider this fine and normal’ norm.
And:
An important part of this is that a good filter is something that identifies people I’m compatible with and convinces them that they’re compatible with me—if it feels like I’m coldly analysing or interviewing them, this is unlikely to go well. This is another part of why I am excited about approaches centred on excitement + vulnerability, those tend to go well if reciprocated.
Warning: This logic does not apply with people who I will need to interact with regularly anyway, eg co-workers/classmates. Social norms around minimising weirdness/potential for bad outcomes make much more sense in those situations, since downside risk is much higher. These mindsets work best when eg meeting people at a party or meetup or friends of friends, where I won’t necessarily interact with them again.
I suspect there are other caveats I would think of if I thought about this post more. I do have some more concerns about vulnerability that I’d previously written up here, which I think is somewhat applicable here. (tl;dr: Being vulnerable involves actual vulnerability! I think it’s worth people being less risk-averse on the margin, but you should be aware both of the risks that you expose yourself to psychological hurt, and the risk that you will psychologically hurt others in ways you didn’t intend)
But overall I felt like it did a good job of covering a lot of relevant considerations.
Curated.
I think the topic of how to intentionally make friends is pretty important.
While reading this post, I expected to find myself wary of promoting too risky a strategy – forcing too much vulnerability too quickly, or taking risks that ruined existing relationships. But I actually found the caveats Neel made pretty reasonable. I particularly like:
And:
I suspect there are other caveats I would think of if I thought about this post more. I do have some more concerns about vulnerability that I’d previously written up here, which I think is somewhat applicable here. (tl;dr: Being vulnerable involves actual vulnerability! I think it’s worth people being less risk-averse on the margin, but you should be aware both of the risks that you expose yourself to psychological hurt, and the risk that you will psychologically hurt others in ways you didn’t intend)
But overall I felt like it did a good job of covering a lot of relevant considerations.