Downvoted because there is no « disagree » button.
I strongly disagree with the framing that one could control their emotions (both from the EA quote and from OP). I’m also surprised that most comments don’t go against the post in that regard.
To be specific, I’m pointing to language like « should feel », « rational to feel » etc.
As the other comment pointed out, I’m not assuming that one could control their emotions—I actually lean towards thinking that attempts to control one’s emotions are often harmful, though of course there’s also a place for healthy emotion regulation.
To be specific, I’m pointing to language like « should feel », « rational to feel » etc.
Also in general, I don’t think that considering some feelings more rational than others requires an ability to control one’s feelings. A feeling can be instrumentally rational if it helps bring about the kinds of outcomes the person cares about, and epistemically rational if the implicit beliefs it’s based on are correct ones. That can be true regardless of how much control we have over our feelings.
Of course, if we had absolutely no influence over our feelings, then this might be pointless to talk about. But people can certainly do things that affect their feelings, from listening to music that puts them in a certain mood to (more relevant for this post) telling themselves that they are wrong to feel safe. Also, while controlling feelings is impossible, it’s possible to bring light to beliefs underlying the feelings and to update incorrect beliefs that some of the feelings might be based on (I discussed that in this post among others).
Note that I only intend to dispute the intellectual argument that these are making. It’s possible to accept on an intellectual level that it would make sense to feel safe most of the time, but still not feel safe
I think it’s absolutely sensible to believe there are emotions that we shouldn’t feel, as in, we have no benefit from feeling and we don’t want to feel. I don’t want to feel sudden homicidal anger, or have suicidal thoughts, or be afraid of leaving my own room. All those are possible feelings that I definitely believe I should not feel, and will do my best to remove if I ever have them! Of course that’s not easy, but the notion that all feelings are equally good by virtue of simply being feelings and thus there is no “should” that applies to them is ridiculous.
It’s not that it’s “necessarily good and something you should act on” just because that’s what you feel, it’s that it’s not “necessarily bad and something you shouldn’t feel” just because that’s what you think. Maybe, and maybe, but you’re always going to be fallible on both fronts so it makes sense to check.
And that is actually how you can make sure to “not feel” this kind of inappropriate feeling, by the way. The mental move of “I don’t want to feel this. I shouldn’t feel this” is the very mental move that leads people to be stuck with feelings which don’t make sense, since it is an avoidance of bringing them into contact with reality.
If you find yourself stuck with an “irrational” fear, and go to a therapist saying “I shouldn’t feel afraid of dogs”, they’re likely to suggest “exposure therapy” which is basically a nice way of saying “Lol at your idea that you shouldn’t feel this, how about we do the exact opposite, make you feel it more, and refrain from trying not to?”. In order to do exposure therapy, you have to set aside your preconceived ideas about whether the fear is appropriate and actually find out. When the dog visibly isn’t threatening you, and you’re actually looking at the fact that there’s nothing scary, then you tend to start feeling less afraid. That’s really all there is to it, and so if you can maintain a response to fear of “Oh wow, this is scary. I wonder if it’s actually dangerous?” even as you feel fear, then you never develop a divergence between your feelings and what you feel is appropriate to feel, and therefore no problem that calls for a therapist or “shoulding” at yourself.
It’s easier said than done, of course, but the point is that “I shouldn’t feel this” doesn’t actually work either instrumentally or epistemically.
Downvoted because there is no « disagree » button.
I strongly disagree with the framing that one could control their emotions (both from the EA quote and from OP). I’m also surprised that most comments don’t go against the post in that regard.
To be specific, I’m pointing to language like « should feel », « rational to feel » etc.
As the other comment pointed out, I’m not assuming that one could control their emotions—I actually lean towards thinking that attempts to control one’s emotions are often harmful, though of course there’s also a place for healthy emotion regulation.
This clarification seems relevant.
Also in general, I don’t think that considering some feelings more rational than others requires an ability to control one’s feelings. A feeling can be instrumentally rational if it helps bring about the kinds of outcomes the person cares about, and epistemically rational if the implicit beliefs it’s based on are correct ones. That can be true regardless of how much control we have over our feelings.
Of course, if we had absolutely no influence over our feelings, then this might be pointless to talk about. But people can certainly do things that affect their feelings, from listening to music that puts them in a certain mood to (more relevant for this post) telling themselves that they are wrong to feel safe. Also, while controlling feelings is impossible, it’s possible to bring light to beliefs underlying the feelings and to update incorrect beliefs that some of the feelings might be based on (I discussed that in this post among others).
Thanks for pointing to your clarification. I find it a lot clearer than the OP.
Post says that explicitly:
I think it’s absolutely sensible to believe there are emotions that we shouldn’t feel, as in, we have no benefit from feeling and we don’t want to feel. I don’t want to feel sudden homicidal anger, or have suicidal thoughts, or be afraid of leaving my own room. All those are possible feelings that I definitely believe I should not feel, and will do my best to remove if I ever have them! Of course that’s not easy, but the notion that all feelings are equally good by virtue of simply being feelings and thus there is no “should” that applies to them is ridiculous.
It’s not that it’s “necessarily good and something you should act on” just because that’s what you feel, it’s that it’s not “necessarily bad and something you shouldn’t feel” just because that’s what you think. Maybe, and maybe, but you’re always going to be fallible on both fronts so it makes sense to check.
And that is actually how you can make sure to “not feel” this kind of inappropriate feeling, by the way. The mental move of “I don’t want to feel this. I shouldn’t feel this” is the very mental move that leads people to be stuck with feelings which don’t make sense, since it is an avoidance of bringing them into contact with reality.
If you find yourself stuck with an “irrational” fear, and go to a therapist saying “I shouldn’t feel afraid of dogs”, they’re likely to suggest “exposure therapy” which is basically a nice way of saying “Lol at your idea that you shouldn’t feel this, how about we do the exact opposite, make you feel it more, and refrain from trying not to?”. In order to do exposure therapy, you have to set aside your preconceived ideas about whether the fear is appropriate and actually find out. When the dog visibly isn’t threatening you, and you’re actually looking at the fact that there’s nothing scary, then you tend to start feeling less afraid. That’s really all there is to it, and so if you can maintain a response to fear of “Oh wow, this is scary. I wonder if it’s actually dangerous?” even as you feel fear, then you never develop a divergence between your feelings and what you feel is appropriate to feel, and therefore no problem that calls for a therapist or “shoulding” at yourself.
It’s easier said than done, of course, but the point is that “I shouldn’t feel this” doesn’t actually work either instrumentally or epistemically.