Is this obviously true? Note the underlying assumption that you would break up eventually. Suppose you’re dating someone, and the relationship gives you 1 hedon and them 3 hedons. You discover you have another option that gives you 2 hedons, but their next best opportunity gives them 1 hedon. (Suppose, to make things easy, those two other options are involved in a relationship themselves, which gives each of them 1 hedon.)
I don’t think that’s the scenario we’re talking about here. Breaking up because you found someone better is (in observed folk morality) a dick move. But if you’re less happy in your relationship than your long-term background level, the correct move is to break up now, even though that will push you both even lower in the short term.
That does still leave the question of what you should do in a relationship where you’re mildly less happy than background (and note that long-term background is the correct comparison, not singledom) but your partner is substantially happier (and a future partner of you would not be so happy). The cheap answer is that empirically this seems vanishingly rare; if one partner is unhappy in a relationship, the other tends to also be, or at least to become so pretty soon.
But yes, you can in theory reach situations where you’re obliged to reduce your own happiness for the sake of others. The moral obligation of westerners to give up almost all their wealth and donate it to charity is perhaps a simpler and clearer example.
You’re pretty sure that you will be less happy in this relationship than other options you have, but think that they will pose a serious risk to themselves if you break up with them. To what degree can they manufacture an obligation for you to provide emotional support to them?
Ultimately, to the degree that you value their life in comparison to yours.
Consider a club where this injunction is taken seriously, and applied very early- basically, a woman is obligated to go home with either the first man she shows positive attention or with no one. Then this dramatically raises the bar for flirting, since she needs to be fairly confident the guy she’s interacting with is her best option, but she needs to make that decision at first sight! In a situation where it’s alright to compete at all stages of the process, then moving forward with one person has less opportunity cost, leading to more efficient pairings and means of discovering them.
Strawman. Consider the solution that actually happens, more or less: people flirt as much as they need to to make a decision, then go home together or move on; you are allowed to engage new people who’ve previously tried flirting with others and had it not work out, but not to start making moves on someone who’s currently still engaged in pair-flirting.
No-one goes home with someone they don’t want to, and many people find partners; most people get to make a reasonable number of attempts, and can flirt more comfortably knowing that for the moment they have their flirtee’s full attention. The end pairings are “less efficient” than in a pure-competition situation, but what does that actually mean? Answer: more lower-status people find pairings (over iterated rounds), rather than all the action going to the top 80% all the time. Given diminishing returns this is probably closer to overall optimal.
Ultimately, to the degree that you value their life in comparison to yours.
This is the selfish answer, not the utilitarian answer. (I think the selfish answer is stable.) Note, though, that you have some choice over how much you value their life- someone who strongly values autonomy might decide to get angry at being held hostage to reduce the amount they value the other person, making it easier for them to break up with them.
But if you’re less happy in your relationship than your long-term background level, the correct move is to break up now, even though that will push you both even lower in the short term.
Why doesn’t the long-term background level depend on the other relationship options you have? As you say later, the correct comparison is not singledom!
It does depend on your other options, but people are very bad at estimating the value of their other options. They idealize potential partners they don’t know well, they overestimate others’ interest in them (“She looked at me for slightly longer than she looked at him! That must mean something!”), and so on. An “outside view” estimate based on either (a) what it was like to be single or (b) your previous long-term background including past relationships is less vulnerable to bias, and likely to be more accurate.
Breaking up in order to enter a different relationship is also socially undesirable. For instance, people will see the new partner as having “broken up” your old relationship (noted upthread to be a dick move), which will damage their social status.
I don’t think that’s the scenario we’re talking about here. Breaking up because you found someone better is (in observed folk morality) a dick move. But if you’re less happy in your relationship than your long-term background level, the correct move is to break up now, even though that will push you both even lower in the short term.
That does still leave the question of what you should do in a relationship where you’re mildly less happy than background (and note that long-term background is the correct comparison, not singledom) but your partner is substantially happier (and a future partner of you would not be so happy). The cheap answer is that empirically this seems vanishingly rare; if one partner is unhappy in a relationship, the other tends to also be, or at least to become so pretty soon.
But yes, you can in theory reach situations where you’re obliged to reduce your own happiness for the sake of others. The moral obligation of westerners to give up almost all their wealth and donate it to charity is perhaps a simpler and clearer example.
Ultimately, to the degree that you value their life in comparison to yours.
Strawman. Consider the solution that actually happens, more or less: people flirt as much as they need to to make a decision, then go home together or move on; you are allowed to engage new people who’ve previously tried flirting with others and had it not work out, but not to start making moves on someone who’s currently still engaged in pair-flirting.
No-one goes home with someone they don’t want to, and many people find partners; most people get to make a reasonable number of attempts, and can flirt more comfortably knowing that for the moment they have their flirtee’s full attention. The end pairings are “less efficient” than in a pure-competition situation, but what does that actually mean? Answer: more lower-status people find pairings (over iterated rounds), rather than all the action going to the top 80% all the time. Given diminishing returns this is probably closer to overall optimal.
This is the selfish answer, not the utilitarian answer. (I think the selfish answer is stable.) Note, though, that you have some choice over how much you value their life- someone who strongly values autonomy might decide to get angry at being held hostage to reduce the amount they value the other person, making it easier for them to break up with them.
Why doesn’t the long-term background level depend on the other relationship options you have? As you say later, the correct comparison is not singledom!
It does depend on your other options, but people are very bad at estimating the value of their other options. They idealize potential partners they don’t know well, they overestimate others’ interest in them (“She looked at me for slightly longer than she looked at him! That must mean something!”), and so on. An “outside view” estimate based on either (a) what it was like to be single or (b) your previous long-term background including past relationships is less vulnerable to bias, and likely to be more accurate.
Breaking up in order to enter a different relationship is also socially undesirable. For instance, people will see the new partner as having “broken up” your old relationship (noted upthread to be a dick move), which will damage their social status.