Epistemic status: This is a work of satire. I mean it—it is a mean-spirited and unfair assessment of the situation. It is also how, some days, I sincerely feel.
A minivan is driving down a mountain road, headed towards a cliff’s edge with no guardrails. The driver floors the accelerator.
Passenger 1: “Perhaps we should slow down somewhat.”
Passengers 2, 3, 4: “Yeah, that seems sensible.”
Driver: “No can do. We’re about to be late to the wedding.”
Passenger 2: “Since the driver won’t slow down, I should work on building rocket boosters so that (when we inevitably go flying off the cliff edge) the van can fly us to the wedding instead.”
Passenger 3: “That seems expensive.”
Passenger 2: “No worries, I’ve hooked up some funding from Acceleration Capital. With a few hours of tinkering we should get it done.”
Passenger 1: “Hey, doesn’t Acceleration Capital just want vehicles to accelerate, without regard to safety?”
Passenger 2: “Sure, but we’ll steer the funding such that the money goes to building safe and controllable rocket boosters.”
The van doesn’t slow down. The cliff looks closer now.
Passenger 3: [looking at what Passenger 2 is building] “Uh, haven’t you just made a faster engine?”
Passenger 2: “Don’t worry, the engine is part of the fundamental technical knowledge we’ll need to build the rockets. Also, the grant I got was for building motors, so we kinda have to build one.”
Driver: “Awesome, we’re gonna get to the wedding even sooner!” [Grabs the engine and installs it. The van speeds up.]
Passenger 1: “We’re even less safe now!”
Passenger 3: “I’m going to start thinking about ways to manipulate the laws of physics such that (when we inevitably go flying off the cliff edge) I can manage to land us safely in the ocean.”
Passenger 4: “That seems theoretical and intractable. I’m going to study the engine to figure out just how it’s accelerating at such a frightening rate. If we understand the inner workings of the engine, we should be able to build a better engine that is more responsive to steering, therefore saving us from the cliff.”
Passenger 1: “Uh, good luck with that, I guess?”
Nothing changes. The cliff is looming.
Passenger 1: “We’re gonna die if we don’t stop accelerating!”
Passenger 2: “I’m gonna finish the rockets after a few more iterations of making engines. Promise.”
Passenger 3: “I think I have a general theory of relativity as it relates to the van worked out...”
Passenger 4: “If we adjust the gear ratio… Maybe add a smart accelerometer?”
Driver: “Look, we can discuss the benefits and detriments of acceleration over hors d’oeuvres at the wedding, okay?”
Passenger 1: Have you turned on the terrain map? Mine shows a sharp turn next to a steep drop coming up in about a mile
Passenger 5: Guys maybe we should look out the windshield instead of down at our maps?
Driver: No, passenger 1, see on your map that’s an alternate route, the route we’re on doesn’t show any cliffs.
Passenger 1: You don’t have it set to show terrain.
Passenger 6: I’m on the phone with the governor now, we’re talking about what it would take to set a 5 mile per hour national speed limit.
Passenger 7: Don’t you live in a different state?
Passenger 5: The road seems to be going up into the mountains, though all the curves I can see from here are gentle and smooth.
Driver and all passengers in unison: Shut up passenger 5, we’re trying to figure out if we’re going to fall off a cliff here, and if so what we should do about it.
Passenger 7: Anyway, I think what we really need to do to ensure our safety is to outlaw automobiles entirely.
Passenger 3: The highest point on Earth is 8849m above sea level, and the lowest point is 430 meters below sea level, so the cliff in front of us could be as high as 9279m.
Epistemic status: This is a work of satire. I mean it—it is a mean-spirited and unfair assessment of the situation. It is also how, some days, I sincerely feel.
A minivan is driving down a mountain road, headed towards a cliff’s edge with no guardrails. The driver floors the accelerator.
Passenger 1: “Perhaps we should slow down somewhat.”
Passengers 2, 3, 4: “Yeah, that seems sensible.”
Driver: “No can do. We’re about to be late to the wedding.”
Passenger 2: “Since the driver won’t slow down, I should work on building rocket boosters so that (when we inevitably go flying off the cliff edge) the van can fly us to the wedding instead.”
Passenger 3: “That seems expensive.”
Passenger 2: “No worries, I’ve hooked up some funding from Acceleration Capital. With a few hours of tinkering we should get it done.”
Passenger 1: “Hey, doesn’t Acceleration Capital just want vehicles to accelerate, without regard to safety?”
Passenger 2: “Sure, but we’ll steer the funding such that the money goes to building safe and controllable rocket boosters.”
The van doesn’t slow down. The cliff looks closer now.
Passenger 3: [looking at what Passenger 2 is building] “Uh, haven’t you just made a faster engine?”
Passenger 2: “Don’t worry, the engine is part of the fundamental technical knowledge we’ll need to build the rockets. Also, the grant I got was for building motors, so we kinda have to build one.”
Driver: “Awesome, we’re gonna get to the wedding even sooner!” [Grabs the engine and installs it. The van speeds up.]
Passenger 1: “We’re even less safe now!”
Passenger 3: “I’m going to start thinking about ways to manipulate the laws of physics such that (when we inevitably go flying off the cliff edge) I can manage to land us safely in the ocean.”
Passenger 4: “That seems theoretical and intractable. I’m going to study the engine to figure out just how it’s accelerating at such a frightening rate. If we understand the inner workings of the engine, we should be able to build a better engine that is more responsive to steering, therefore saving us from the cliff.”
Passenger 1: “Uh, good luck with that, I guess?”
Nothing changes. The cliff is looming.
Passenger 1: “We’re gonna die if we don’t stop accelerating!”
Passenger 2: “I’m gonna finish the rockets after a few more iterations of making engines. Promise.”
Passenger 3: “I think I have a general theory of relativity as it relates to the van worked out...”
Passenger 4: “If we adjust the gear ratio… Maybe add a smart accelerometer?”
Driver: “Look, we can discuss the benefits and detriments of acceleration over hors d’oeuvres at the wedding, okay?”
unfortunately, the disanalogy is that any driver who moves their foot towards the brakes is almost instantly replaced with one who won’t.
Driver: My map doesn’t show any cliffs
Passenger 1: Have you turned on the terrain map? Mine shows a sharp turn next to a steep drop coming up in about a mile
Passenger 5: Guys maybe we should look out the windshield instead of down at our maps?
Driver: No, passenger 1, see on your map that’s an alternate route, the route we’re on doesn’t show any cliffs.
Passenger 1: You don’t have it set to show terrain.
Passenger 6: I’m on the phone with the governor now, we’re talking about what it would take to set a 5 mile per hour national speed limit.
Passenger 7: Don’t you live in a different state?
Passenger 5: The road seems to be going up into the mountains, though all the curves I can see from here are gentle and smooth.
Driver and all passengers in unison: Shut up passenger 5, we’re trying to figure out if we’re going to fall off a cliff here, and if so what we should do about it.
Passenger 7: Anyway, I think what we really need to do to ensure our safety is to outlaw automobiles entirely.
Passenger 3: The highest point on Earth is 8849m above sea level, and the lowest point is 430 meters below sea level, so the cliff in front of us could be as high as 9279m.