My easiest time having female friends was in an implicitly monogamous context, when I was married, and my wife and I were exclusive. It was super easy. Like a switch in my brain could just filter out the attraction question. It’s like it was as addressed for all women the way it’s always addressed for all men.
It became way messier when she & I opened up our marriage. Then the sexual dynamic between me and her felt to me like it depended on whether I could find other female partners. I don’t know if she really felt this way! But for me there was a real concern: When we were exclusive, other women not being into me was just expected. But when we were open, I feared other women not being into me was a sign she should focus on mating with other guys.
So there was a sense, for me, of increased pressure that I needed to find more partners even if my wife was the only woman I was interested in!
This increased stress on my female relationships.
Now, in an implicitly poly context, this isn’t a huge problem. “Might we fuck?” is a lot more okay a question to explore.
But it became a question we had to explore, basically every time, at least on my end, at least implicitly.
I now find it’s easier to have friendships with poly women now that I’ve set poly aside… because their being poly puts them out of the market for me.
And none of this is to dismiss your experience! I bet if I were more sexually confident, and happier being poly, I might feel the same way you do.
I feared other women not being into me was a sign she should focus on mating with other guys
When my wife and I just opened up, I did feel jealous quite regularly and eventually realized that the specific thing I was feeling was basically this. It felt like an ego/competitive/status loss thing as opposed to an actual fear of her infidelity or intent to leave me. And then after four years together it went away and never came back.
Now I actually find it kinda fun to not explicitly address “might we fuck?” with some friends, just leave it at the edge of things as a fun wrinkle and a permission to fantasize. A little monogamous frisson, as a treat.
FWIW, my experience on this was… mixed.
My easiest time having female friends was in an implicitly monogamous context, when I was married, and my wife and I were exclusive. It was super easy. Like a switch in my brain could just filter out the attraction question. It’s like it was as addressed for all women the way it’s always addressed for all men.
It became way messier when she & I opened up our marriage. Then the sexual dynamic between me and her felt to me like it depended on whether I could find other female partners. I don’t know if she really felt this way! But for me there was a real concern: When we were exclusive, other women not being into me was just expected. But when we were open, I feared other women not being into me was a sign she should focus on mating with other guys.
So there was a sense, for me, of increased pressure that I needed to find more partners even if my wife was the only woman I was interested in!
This increased stress on my female relationships.
Now, in an implicitly poly context, this isn’t a huge problem. “Might we fuck?” is a lot more okay a question to explore.
But it became a question we had to explore, basically every time, at least on my end, at least implicitly.
I now find it’s easier to have friendships with poly women now that I’ve set poly aside… because their being poly puts them out of the market for me.
And none of this is to dismiss your experience! I bet if I were more sexually confident, and happier being poly, I might feel the same way you do.
I’m just offering some counterpoint.
When my wife and I just opened up, I did feel jealous quite regularly and eventually realized that the specific thing I was feeling was basically this. It felt like an ego/competitive/status loss thing as opposed to an actual fear of her infidelity or intent to leave me. And then after four years together it went away and never came back.
Now I actually find it kinda fun to not explicitly address “might we fuck?” with some friends, just leave it at the edge of things as a fun wrinkle and a permission to fantasize. A little monogamous frisson, as a treat.