I feel like, for certain coed social spaces, the cultural expectation of universal monogamy actually does (did?) a lot of work. If I (married man) am hanging out with some other married woman, we have Common Knowledge of each other’s unavailability. In my subjective experience, it breaks the attraction->desire link. And it’s desire that seems to add all the social tension, not attraction per se.
Yes. In certain situations (where sexual attention would be undesired) married people (who don’t have a reputation of cheating on their partners) are perceived as more trustworthy, because it would be more socially costly for them to break the rules. Polyamory of course throws this all out of window.
This is part of what I’m getting at, but you seem very focused on the outside perceptions of the married people in that situation. I’m saying that the subjective experience of being one of the married people in that situation is different and, imo, usually better and more comfortable. Including in situations like a party where single people might be open to sexual attention.
I feel like, for certain coed social spaces, the cultural expectation of universal monogamy actually does (did?) a lot of work. If I (married man) am hanging out with some other married woman, we have Common Knowledge of each other’s unavailability. In my subjective experience, it breaks the attraction->desire link. And it’s desire that seems to add all the social tension, not attraction per se.
Yes. In certain situations (where sexual attention would be undesired) married people (who don’t have a reputation of cheating on their partners) are perceived as more trustworthy, because it would be more socially costly for them to break the rules. Polyamory of course throws this all out of window.
This is part of what I’m getting at, but you seem very focused on the outside perceptions of the married people in that situation. I’m saying that the subjective experience of being one of the married people in that situation is different and, imo, usually better and more comfortable. Including in situations like a party where single people might be open to sexual attention.
This is also how it feels to me, and at least for me my being permanently monogamously partnered is sufficient.
Yeah, this matches my experience.