I like how thoroughly I owned it. How it’s clearly wild speculation that tries to weave together some questionable observations. I also like the questions it raises. I remember how the basic hypothesis — that sexual signaling maybe evolved largely to aim at one’s own sex in the human social context — helped me to notice some interesting questions I hadn’t picked up on before. (E.g., why does slut-shaming seem to more target women who doll up for the male gaze instead of women who are actually pretty openly DTF when there’s a difference? Is my perception off, or is this really a trend, and if so then why?)
I notice that a year later I’m simply unconvinced of the basic idea. I don’t know why. It might be that there’s something true that (some part of me thinks) works best if it goes unrecognized, so I need to blind myself to it. Or, maybe it’s just malarky. I don’t know!
The main thing, I think, is that on the whole the framework doesn’t feel wholesome. It’s not totally icky to me. Just… off? Like, sure, respecting people and accounting for sexual dynamics is important. There are probably built-in tendencies along these lines. Those tendencies seem interesting to examine and explore. But despite my attempt to be descriptive rather than normative in this post, there’s a kind of implication that trying to be attractive to the opposite sex is defecting on culture. That implication seems kind of weird to me now.
To the extent that there’s a glitchiness in trying to be attractive to others, I now suspect it’s more to do with Goodhart drift. A guy who’s just living his life and thus ends up attractive is less likely to be creating a hollow illusion than some other guy who chooses what to do based on what he thinks will get him a girl. As just one example type! It’s a very general point about trying to affect how people see you, instead of just doing stuff and letting people see the truth: the former tends to invoke Goodhart, and thus people are often distrustful of it. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t work sometimes anyway! Or even that it’s bad.
The bonobo analogy was unfortunate. It was a good illustration, except that it was confusing. I mention the problem in one of the comments. The fact that bonobos specifically use sex is irrelevant to why I named them. The point was that when there’s a potentially scarce resource introduced, the tribe starts by affirming their within-tribe bonds instead of leaping into competition for the resource. (Or at least so I’m told!) The fact that they do so with sex wasn’t relevant to the analogy. Since the rest of the post was about sexual dynamics, I think that particular choice of analogy was unnecessarily confusing.
All that said: I like the kind of wild-yet-owned speculation this post is made of. It’s fun and thought-provoking. I find it stimulating just to reread!
I’d love to see something that massages the various observations here into a better explanation. In particular, there’s nothing meaty here that really tackles why there’s an asymmetry between men and women in terms of intrasex popularity. (Women swoon over men who are (a) beloved and trusted by other men and/or (b) highly desired by other women. Men don’t seem to care whether a woman has lots of girlfriends who love her and are all over the place when it comes to lots of other men wanting her.) The loose model doesn’t predict it and can’t even neatly explain it. Or at least I don’t see how!
I honestly don’t know how much, if any, further thinking or insight or experimentation arose from this post. It might have just amounted to a passing entertainment. It affected some of my thinking and actions in the first half of this year, but I don’t think the ideas have meaningfully come to mind since roughly the summer.
This was fun to look back on a year later.
I like how thoroughly I owned it. How it’s clearly wild speculation that tries to weave together some questionable observations. I also like the questions it raises. I remember how the basic hypothesis — that sexual signaling maybe evolved largely to aim at one’s own sex in the human social context — helped me to notice some interesting questions I hadn’t picked up on before. (E.g., why does slut-shaming seem to more target women who doll up for the male gaze instead of women who are actually pretty openly DTF when there’s a difference? Is my perception off, or is this really a trend, and if so then why?)
I notice that a year later I’m simply unconvinced of the basic idea. I don’t know why. It might be that there’s something true that (some part of me thinks) works best if it goes unrecognized, so I need to blind myself to it. Or, maybe it’s just malarky. I don’t know!
The main thing, I think, is that on the whole the framework doesn’t feel wholesome. It’s not totally icky to me. Just… off? Like, sure, respecting people and accounting for sexual dynamics is important. There are probably built-in tendencies along these lines. Those tendencies seem interesting to examine and explore. But despite my attempt to be descriptive rather than normative in this post, there’s a kind of implication that trying to be attractive to the opposite sex is defecting on culture. That implication seems kind of weird to me now.
To the extent that there’s a glitchiness in trying to be attractive to others, I now suspect it’s more to do with Goodhart drift. A guy who’s just living his life and thus ends up attractive is less likely to be creating a hollow illusion than some other guy who chooses what to do based on what he thinks will get him a girl. As just one example type! It’s a very general point about trying to affect how people see you, instead of just doing stuff and letting people see the truth: the former tends to invoke Goodhart, and thus people are often distrustful of it. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t work sometimes anyway! Or even that it’s bad.
The bonobo analogy was unfortunate. It was a good illustration, except that it was confusing. I mention the problem in one of the comments. The fact that bonobos specifically use sex is irrelevant to why I named them. The point was that when there’s a potentially scarce resource introduced, the tribe starts by affirming their within-tribe bonds instead of leaping into competition for the resource. (Or at least so I’m told!) The fact that they do so with sex wasn’t relevant to the analogy. Since the rest of the post was about sexual dynamics, I think that particular choice of analogy was unnecessarily confusing.
All that said: I like the kind of wild-yet-owned speculation this post is made of. It’s fun and thought-provoking. I find it stimulating just to reread!
I’d love to see something that massages the various observations here into a better explanation. In particular, there’s nothing meaty here that really tackles why there’s an asymmetry between men and women in terms of intrasex popularity. (Women swoon over men who are (a) beloved and trusted by other men and/or (b) highly desired by other women. Men don’t seem to care whether a woman has lots of girlfriends who love her and are all over the place when it comes to lots of other men wanting her.) The loose model doesn’t predict it and can’t even neatly explain it. Or at least I don’t see how!
I honestly don’t know how much, if any, further thinking or insight or experimentation arose from this post. It might have just amounted to a passing entertainment. It affected some of my thinking and actions in the first half of this year, but I don’t think the ideas have meaningfully come to mind since roughly the summer.