Empathy to identify and express the other person’s needs, feelings, information. Look for a “that’s right.” You’re not rushing to win, nor rushing to receive empathy. The more they reveal, the better it is for you (and for them, because now you can help find a high-value trade rather than a poor compromise).
Failure modes in important relationships
Being quick and curt when they want to connect and share positive emotions
Meeting negative emotions with blithe positive emotions (ie. pretending like they’re not angry, anxious, etc)
Mirroring negative emotions: meeting anxiety with anxiety, anger with anger
Being uncompromising, overly “logical”/assertive to get your way in the moment
Not trying to express what you want, even to yourself
Compromising/giving in, hoping next time will be “your turn”
Practice this:
Focusing to identify your own elusive feelings
Empathy to identify and express the other person’s needs, feelings, information. Look for a “that’s right.” You’re not rushing to win, nor rushing to receive empathy. The more they reveal, the better it is for you (and for them, because now you can help find a high-value trade rather than a poor compromise).