(e) I say something that someone doesn’t understand. I think “maybe the person needs more context,” and follow up by giving more context. The person still doesn’t understand, so I think “ok, I guess I have to give even more context” and so continue in the same direction. In fact, the amount of context that I would need to give for my point to be clear would take ~100 hours to convey, so that what I’m doing is actually not at all productive. The person perceives the situation as
Jonah is totally ignoring the fact that I’m not understanding what I’m saying, and keeps going on and on about the same thing, oblivious to my feelings
because he or she has no way of knowing that I’m explicitly trying to address the fact that the person is uncomfortable about not understanding.
Oh. Well. Oops.
But what alternatives are there? Should I just give up? That seems rude too.
Only say things that can be heard. If you can anticipate that you are too many inferential steps away, you should talk about something else. Which means in this case: Be patient and build their knowledge from the bottom, not from the top.
If you have already started and notice the problem too late, yeah, you’re kinda screwed. The honest answer seems pretty rude, and not saying anything is worse. I’d probably try to salvage what I still can by saying something along the lines of “I know this is a complicated and confusing issue, and it takes a while to explain where I’m coming from*. I can point you to these resources if you’re really interested in the matter.” And not bring it up again unless they start it.
This allows you to drop a conversation that’s going nowhere, while they can research it if they want to or ignore it if they don’t while still saving face in both cases.
*Or, if it went really bad: ”...and I suck at explaining.”—taking the blame for the failed communication can defuse the sting of making them feel stupid.
This post is about my horrible social skills, I’m not complaining about other people’s behavior. My main life focus right now is on learning to communicate better.
Try to ask questions that probe for the reason they don’t understand (rather than assuming you know the reason), see if you can reformulate your point as an analogy that makes sense given their level of knowledge and doesn’t require all that context?
(A little hard to answer in general without knowing more specifics of the situation.)
Oh. Well. Oops.
But what alternatives are there? Should I just give up? That seems rude too.
Only say things that can be heard. If you can anticipate that you are too many inferential steps away, you should talk about something else. Which means in this case: Be patient and build their knowledge from the bottom, not from the top.
If you have already started and notice the problem too late, yeah, you’re kinda screwed. The honest answer seems pretty rude, and not saying anything is worse. I’d probably try to salvage what I still can by saying something along the lines of “I know this is a complicated and confusing issue, and it takes a while to explain where I’m coming from*. I can point you to these resources if you’re really interested in the matter.” And not bring it up again unless they start it.
This allows you to drop a conversation that’s going nowhere, while they can research it if they want to or ignore it if they don’t while still saving face in both cases.
*Or, if it went really bad: ”...and I suck at explaining.”—taking the blame for the failed communication can defuse the sting of making them feel stupid.
This post is about my horrible social skills, I’m not complaining about other people’s behavior. My main life focus right now is on learning to communicate better.
Try to ask questions that probe for the reason they don’t understand (rather than assuming you know the reason), see if you can reformulate your point as an analogy that makes sense given their level of knowledge and doesn’t require all that context?
(A little hard to answer in general without knowing more specifics of the situation.)