Well, here’s a confusing part. I didn’t tell the whole truth in parent post, there are actually two areas that I am probably more competent than peers, in which others openly envy me instead of the other way around. One is the ability to speak English (a foreign language, most my peers wouldn’t be able to ask this question here), another is discipline. Everyone actually envies me for almost never procrastinating, never forgetting anything, etc. Are we talking about different disciplines here?
Sometimes, I just have trouble understanding the subject areas. I am going to take MathiasZaman’s advice: I always used my discipline to complete in time and with quality what needs to be completed, but not into anything extra. Mostly, though, it is (social) anxiety—I can’t approach a professor with anything unless I have a pack of companions backing me up, or can’t start a project unless a friend confirms that I correctly understand what it is that has to be done. And my companions have awful discipline, worst of anyone I ever worked with (which is not many). So I end up, for example, preparing all assignments in time, but hand them in only long after the time is due, when a friend has prepared them. I am working on that problem, and it becomes less severe as the time goes.
First of all: I don’t agree that group assignments are bad. Those problems are my problems, and most complex tasks in real life really benefit from, or require, collaboration. I think that universities should have more group assignments and projects, even if it would mean I’ll drop out.
Second, I wasn’t talking about group assignments in my post. I was talking about being too anxious to work on your own personal assignment, unless a friend has already done it and can provide confirmation.
So it seems like you can solve the problems… but then you are somehow frozen by fear that maybe your solution is not correct. Until someone else confirms that it is correct, and then you are able to continue. Solving the problem is not a problem; giving it to the teacher is.
On the intellectual level, you should update the prior probability that your solutions are correct.
On the emotional level… what exactly is this horrible outcome your imagination shows you if you would give the professor a wrong solution?
It is probably something that feels stupid if you try to explain it. (Maybe you imagine the professor screaming at you loudly, and the whole university laughing at you. It’s not realistic, but it may feel so.) But that’s exactly the point. On some level, something stupid happens in your mind, because otherwise you wouldn’t have this irrational problem. It doesn’t make sense, but it’s there in your head, influencing your emotions and actions. So the proper way is to describe your silent horrible vision explicitly, as specifically as you can (bring it from the darkness to light), until your own mind finally notices that it really was stupid.
I have no trouble imagining all the horrible outcomes, because I did get into trouble several times in similar scenarios, where getting confirmation from a friend would have saved me. For example, a couple of hours after giving my work to a teacher, I remembered that my friend wasn’t there, even though he was ready. I inquired him about it, and it then turned out that I gave it to the wrong teacher, and getting all my hand-crafted drawings back ended up being a very time and effort consuming task.
Reading that it sounds like your core issue is around low self confidence.
Taking an IQ test might help to dispell the idea that you are below average. You might be under the LW IQ average IQ of 140 but you are probably well above 100 which is the average in society.
It seems that you have a decent IQ. Additionally you seem to be conscious and can avoid procrastination which is a very, very valuable characteristic.
On the other hand you have issues with self esteem. As far as I understand IQ testing gets used by real psychologists in cases like this.
Taking David Burns CBT book, “The Feeling Good Handbook” and doing the exercises every day for 15 minutes would likely do a lot for you, especially if you can get yourself to do the exercises regularly.
Another stupid question to boot: will all this make me more content with my current situation? While not being a pleasant feeling, my discontent with my competence does serve as a motivator to actually study. I wouldn’t have asked this question here and wouldn’t receive all the advice if I were less competent than everyone else and okay with it.
That’s a really interesting question, and I don’t have an answer to it. Do you have any ideas about how your life might be different in positive ways if you didn’t think you were less competent than everyone about everything? Is there anything you’d like to do just because it’s important to you?
Do you have any ideas about how your life might be different in positive ways if you didn’t think you were less competent than everyone about everything?
Not anything specific.
Is there anything you’d like to do just because it’s important to you?
I have goals and values beyond being content or happy, but they are more than a couple of inferential steps away from my day-to-day routine, and I don’t have that inner fire thingy that would bridge the gap. So, more often than not, they are not the main component of my actual motivation. Also, I am afraid of possibility of having my values changed.
Thanks. Still, should I take it as “yes, you are less competent than people around you”?
Maybe just less disciplined than you need to be. “Less competent” is too confusingly relative to mean anything solid.
Well, here’s a confusing part. I didn’t tell the whole truth in parent post, there are actually two areas that I am probably more competent than peers, in which others openly envy me instead of the other way around. One is the ability to speak English (a foreign language, most my peers wouldn’t be able to ask this question here), another is discipline. Everyone actually envies me for almost never procrastinating, never forgetting anything, etc. Are we talking about different disciplines here?
If you already have discipline, what exactly is the difficulty you’re finding to study now as compared to previous years?
Sometimes, I just have trouble understanding the subject areas. I am going to take MathiasZaman’s advice: I always used my discipline to complete in time and with quality what needs to be completed, but not into anything extra. Mostly, though, it is (social) anxiety—I can’t approach a professor with anything unless I have a pack of companions backing me up, or can’t start a project unless a friend confirms that I correctly understand what it is that has to be done. And my companions have awful discipline, worst of anyone I ever worked with (which is not many). So I end up, for example, preparing all assignments in time, but hand them in only long after the time is due, when a friend has prepared them. I am working on that problem, and it becomes less severe as the time goes.
I agree; group assignments are the worst. Is there any way you can get the university to let you take unique tests for the themes you already master?
First of all: I don’t agree that group assignments are bad. Those problems are my problems, and most complex tasks in real life really benefit from, or require, collaboration. I think that universities should have more group assignments and projects, even if it would mean I’ll drop out.
Second, I wasn’t talking about group assignments in my post. I was talking about being too anxious to work on your own personal assignment, unless a friend has already done it and can provide confirmation.
So it seems like you can solve the problems… but then you are somehow frozen by fear that maybe your solution is not correct. Until someone else confirms that it is correct, and then you are able to continue. Solving the problem is not a problem; giving it to the teacher is.
On the intellectual level, you should update the prior probability that your solutions are correct.
On the emotional level… what exactly is this horrible outcome your imagination shows you if you would give the professor a wrong solution?
It is probably something that feels stupid if you try to explain it. (Maybe you imagine the professor screaming at you loudly, and the whole university laughing at you. It’s not realistic, but it may feel so.) But that’s exactly the point. On some level, something stupid happens in your mind, because otherwise you wouldn’t have this irrational problem. It doesn’t make sense, but it’s there in your head, influencing your emotions and actions. So the proper way is to describe your silent horrible vision explicitly, as specifically as you can (bring it from the darkness to light), until your own mind finally notices that it really was stupid.
I have no trouble imagining all the horrible outcomes, because I did get into trouble several times in similar scenarios, where getting confirmation from a friend would have saved me. For example, a couple of hours after giving my work to a teacher, I remembered that my friend wasn’t there, even though he was ready. I inquired him about it, and it then turned out that I gave it to the wrong teacher, and getting all my hand-crafted drawings back ended up being a very time and effort consuming task.
Reading that it sounds like your core issue is around low self confidence.
Taking an IQ test might help to dispell the idea that you are below average. You might be under the LW IQ average IQ of 140 but you are probably well above 100 which is the average in society.
I can guess that my IQ has three digits. It’s just that it doesn’t enable me to do things better than others. Except solving iq tests, I guess.
It seems that you have a decent IQ. Additionally you seem to be conscious and can avoid procrastination which is a very, very valuable characteristic.
On the other hand you have issues with self esteem. As far as I understand IQ testing gets used by real psychologists in cases like this.
Taking David Burns CBT book, “The Feeling Good Handbook” and doing the exercises every day for 15 minutes would likely do a lot for you, especially if you can get yourself to do the exercises regularly.
I also support Nancy’s suggestion of Feldenkrais.
Another stupid question to boot: will all this make me more content with my current situation? While not being a pleasant feeling, my discontent with my competence does serve as a motivator to actually study. I wouldn’t have asked this question here and wouldn’t receive all the advice if I were less competent than everyone else and okay with it.
That’s a really interesting question, and I don’t have an answer to it. Do you have any ideas about how your life might be different in positive ways if you didn’t think you were less competent than everyone about everything? Is there anything you’d like to do just because it’s important to you?
Not anything specific.
I have goals and values beyond being content or happy, but they are more than a couple of inferential steps away from my day-to-day routine, and I don’t have that inner fire thingy that would bridge the gap. So, more often than not, they are not the main component of my actual motivation. Also, I am afraid of possibility of having my values changed.