In the section On why enlightenment may not be very visible in one’s behavior which of the two things do you mean to argue?
Learning to Look at suffering is not likely to make a visible change in one’s behaviour
Learning to Look is not likely to make a visible change in one’s behaviour
Because I would buy the first claim but not the second. I expect that if someone in general is able to not flinch away from painful experiences, they’re able to have better long-term relationships. I notice how people I talk to often flinch away from (a) silence (b) awkwardness. They will make any assumptions required “Oh, of course that was my fault, I apologise” to avoid having to deal with the fact that we have different norms and will have to explicitly navigate them. While this reduces immediate discomfort, it doesn’t strengthen the long-term relationship as much.
It’s a little complicated, but my current model is something like “learning to Look at suffering is going to make a visible change in your behavior, but the gains from some of the later-stage steps aren’t necessarily as large as you’d expect from what a naive suggestion of ‘overcoming suffering’ might imply”.
But to use your example of long-term relationships, I’ve definitely noticed improvements in my ability to e.g. just be okay with things that cause tension with my relationships with other people, in a way that lets me accept those tensions rather than react with an unhealthy need to “fix” the other person. (Because obviously if something about my relationship with someone else doesn’t work the way I’d like, it’s the other person that needs fixing… or at least, so some parts of my mind seem to think. But they’ve been a lot less vocal about this recently.)
In the section On why enlightenment may not be very visible in one’s behavior which of the two things do you mean to argue?
Learning to Look at suffering is not likely to make a visible change in one’s behaviour
Learning to Look is not likely to make a visible change in one’s behaviour
Because I would buy the first claim but not the second. I expect that if someone in general is able to not flinch away from painful experiences, they’re able to have better long-term relationships. I notice how people I talk to often flinch away from (a) silence (b) awkwardness. They will make any assumptions required “Oh, of course that was my fault, I apologise” to avoid having to deal with the fact that we have different norms and will have to explicitly navigate them. While this reduces immediate discomfort, it doesn’t strengthen the long-term relationship as much.
It’s a little complicated, but my current model is something like “learning to Look at suffering is going to make a visible change in your behavior, but the gains from some of the later-stage steps aren’t necessarily as large as you’d expect from what a naive suggestion of ‘overcoming suffering’ might imply”.
But to use your example of long-term relationships, I’ve definitely noticed improvements in my ability to e.g. just be okay with things that cause tension with my relationships with other people, in a way that lets me accept those tensions rather than react with an unhealthy need to “fix” the other person. (Because obviously if something about my relationship with someone else doesn’t work the way I’d like, it’s the other person that needs fixing… or at least, so some parts of my mind seem to think. But they’ve been a lot less vocal about this recently.)