We appreciate that cats are picky only after they pick us. The most charismatic people take slightly longer to smile when they see you, as if it was all the memories of you flooding into them and not just seeing a random person. We feel more heard when someone pauses slightly before responding.
People don’t want you to be unavailable. They want you to become available because of something special about them. That’s incredibly validating. The solution isn’t just to try and be less interested in people, it’s to get genuinely curious about them and be interested in the unique parts of them you honestly think are special.
Many things cause strong emotions. Chasing, being chased, trying to change someone, commiserating over all the things going wrong in your life, etc.. Strong emotions can cause emotional relationships. Being the unavailable prize is one strategy, but it isn’t the only one. You should be able to come up with obvious examples of people who could be as available as they want and get suitors and people who’d still be unseen no mater how aloof. Be aware that any strategy will filter who is interested in you and that being successful in making a relationship happen is only really a success if you both enjoy it.
Thanks for the serious engagement with my argument, I have updated off of it! That’s awesome!
I should better explain my goals. My goal is not being perfectly attractive to every women, just to attracting more women/year. While lots of behaviors may appeal to types of women, picking the behaviors that work most often requires less updating and data and work. I want marginal gains, not perfection.
Secondly, I have trouble getting a first or second date. I tend to keep em after the third date. I doubt my particular problem is in validation, which probably dominates the later stages of relationships. If I start being more aloof and teasing more and I get tons of first dates, but no 3rd dates, then I will revisit your advice.
We appreciate that cats are picky only after they pick us
For a long time I understood dating by assuming people are instrumentally rational and coming up with complicated arguments to explain their behavior. I no longer use that strategy because people will rationalize any behavior they make. Revealed preferences predict future behavior, not rationalizations. I expect better predictions by building the simplest toy models that do not require complicated reasoning or non-hyperbolic discounting.
Perhaps some people do like “picky cats that pick them” and this causes their behavior. I doubt it strongly determines first date choices. Basically, I don’t think the picky-cats argument really turns women on. If I notice 3rd date attrition I will update and revisit the validation component.
Many things cause strong emotions. Chasing, being chased, trying to change someone, commiserating over all the things going wrong in your life, etc.. Strong emotions can cause emotional relationships. Being the unavailable prize is one strategy, but it isn’t the only one.
Yes strong emotions do cause people to bond. There could be some niche strategies there. I would love to hear your ideas!
Yes being unavailable is one of many strategies. My experiences suggest that a reasonable does of unavailability is the most effective strategy in most cases for engendering initial romantic interest. There are lots of examples of people being not aloof and succeeding (I’ve done it several times). They are just less common. I can make marginal gains by being more aloof.
Also, I come on really strong when I like someone. Because I am on an extreme of the spectrum, being marginally more aloof seems safe.
My plan
I will experiment more with being unavailable. If this behavior is hard to change, I will just work on other stuff.
After I get good at teasing I will study other ways of causing strong emotions.
Yep, I don’t think you’re completely wrong I just had those little bits to add. I support self-experimentation and liberal applications of the law of equal and opposite advice. Even towards my advice if you’re feeling saucy.
I also recommend reading The Game not because it’s actionable; but just because seeing the degenerate case when someone takes it too far and becomes an asshole instills some guard rails.
I don’t think talking about this stuff should be disallowed. Romance is such an important part of life and the right advice leads people towards increased compassion while no advice leads to the red pill.
I think you’re still missing two things
We appreciate that cats are picky only after they pick us. The most charismatic people take slightly longer to smile when they see you, as if it was all the memories of you flooding into them and not just seeing a random person. We feel more heard when someone pauses slightly before responding. People don’t want you to be unavailable. They want you to become available because of something special about them. That’s incredibly validating. The solution isn’t just to try and be less interested in people, it’s to get genuinely curious about them and be interested in the unique parts of them you honestly think are special.
Many things cause strong emotions. Chasing, being chased, trying to change someone, commiserating over all the things going wrong in your life, etc.. Strong emotions can cause emotional relationships. Being the unavailable prize is one strategy, but it isn’t the only one. You should be able to come up with obvious examples of people who could be as available as they want and get suitors and people who’d still be unseen no mater how aloof. Be aware that any strategy will filter who is interested in you and that being successful in making a relationship happen is only really a success if you both enjoy it.
Thanks for the serious engagement with my argument, I have updated off of it! That’s awesome!
I should better explain my goals. My goal is not being perfectly attractive to every women, just to attracting more women/year. While lots of behaviors may appeal to types of women, picking the behaviors that work most often requires less updating and data and work. I want marginal gains, not perfection.
Secondly, I have trouble getting a first or second date. I tend to keep em after the third date. I doubt my particular problem is in validation, which probably dominates the later stages of relationships. If I start being more aloof and teasing more and I get tons of first dates, but no 3rd dates, then I will revisit your advice.
For a long time I understood dating by assuming people are instrumentally rational and coming up with complicated arguments to explain their behavior. I no longer use that strategy because people will rationalize any behavior they make. Revealed preferences predict future behavior, not rationalizations. I expect better predictions by building the simplest toy models that do not require complicated reasoning or non-hyperbolic discounting.
Perhaps some people do like “picky cats that pick them” and this causes their behavior. I doubt it strongly determines first date choices. Basically, I don’t think the picky-cats argument really turns women on. If I notice 3rd date attrition I will update and revisit the validation component.
Yes strong emotions do cause people to bond. There could be some niche strategies there. I would love to hear your ideas!
Yes being unavailable is one of many strategies. My experiences suggest that a reasonable does of unavailability is the most effective strategy in most cases for engendering initial romantic interest. There are lots of examples of people being not aloof and succeeding (I’ve done it several times). They are just less common. I can make marginal gains by being more aloof.
Also, I come on really strong when I like someone. Because I am on an extreme of the spectrum, being marginally more aloof seems safe.
My plan
I will experiment more with being unavailable. If this behavior is hard to change, I will just work on other stuff.
After I get good at teasing I will study other ways of causing strong emotions.
Edit: All edits straight outta Stunk & White
Yep, I don’t think you’re completely wrong I just had those little bits to add. I support self-experimentation and liberal applications of the law of equal and opposite advice. Even towards my advice if you’re feeling saucy.
I also recommend reading The Game not because it’s actionable; but just because seeing the degenerate case when someone takes it too far and becomes an asshole instills some guard rails.
I don’t think talking about this stuff should be disallowed. Romance is such an important part of life and the right advice leads people towards increased compassion while no advice leads to the red pill.