When I started running study groups in college, the training included teaching how to learn student’s names. The trick to remembering names is to say the name out loud, with focus on the name and the person at the same time. So, Joachim introduces himself, and you say “Joachim? Nice to meet you, Joachim!” Give the name and face enough time to sink into long term memory. If they don’t introduce themselves, ask them their name, simply apologizing if it turns out you’ve met before.
Then, at the earliest good opportunity, reinforce the name. Using it during the conversation is good. Any time the topic goes in a new direction, or you or your interlocutor have a new idea, you say “So, Joachim, I have another way of looking at that...” or “Joachim, that is an excellent point.” This is totally normal, but might not feel that way to a person who doesn’t use names frequently.
Finally, it is minimally awkward to, at the end of a conversation, say to the person “Well, Joachim, it’s been so good talking to you!” Or, if you’ve totally lost the name, say with a smile “I’ve enjoyed talking with you so much I’ve managed to forget your name!” And they will be quite pleased to remind you.
Not using people’s names is like a microcosm of this thread—if you don’t use the name, rightly or wrongly, you won’t get affirmation or correction.
That all works if you have the capability of recognizing people but just have not practiced it. But you say specifically that you’re not good with faces. A large number of people are partially or completely face-blind. Many (maybe most) don’t realize they have differently functioning brains from the majority of people when it comes to faces. They often recognize people by their distinctive hair color or facial hair, by particularly large or small noses, chins, etc, or even in some cases, by learning the wardrobes of people they are frequently around. I read about one fellow with 4 young children and he is completely unable to tell them apart. So when one jumps in his lap, he hugs them and smiles and says, “So who are you, then?” His kids think it’s a running joke, which is how he treats it, but it’s the only way he’d know who he’s got in his lap.
The point is, if you are not just “bad with faces” but instead face-blind, you may have to use other, more you-specific techniques for identifying people.
It wasn’t until a couple of years ago that I first consciously noticed that I was incapable of using other people’s names to their faces. I could do it with immediate family, and I could do it in third person “Howard was telling me...” I have since made strenuous efforts to get better at it, but it is still really psychologically difficult. That’s also when I realized that it was almost impossible for me to leave a message on an answering machine. I’m working on that one too, but doing so is a serious effort. One of my roommates my freshman year of college had the same issues, but neither of us had a clue why.
It might help to find a friend you can practice with, for the names—if the issue applies to IM/Skype/etc. as well, then you can probably find a practice partner or two right here. Otherwise, hopefully you have an in-person friend who you’d trust to explain this to, and who can encourage you to refer to them by name frequently :)
For answering machines, the same friend can probably help, or you could practice on your own answering machine.
I’ve found that, for most skills, doing really impractical-but-safe practice exercises like this actually really pays off. Even if it doesn’t 100% resolve the issue, it still gives you a good foundation to build on, and helps remind you that the activity CAN be safe.
I sometimes have trouble usings people’s names—I think due to fear that I haven’t remembered them correctly, even if I’m 95% certain or more. If I don’t know the person well it may also seem overly familiar.
That does make it difficult to use the techniques I suggested. Some people do not like other people to use their names because they experience it as an attempt to control them emotionally. They feel it invokes automatic parent-child responses that others ought not have access to.
I think the number of these folks is very low (I’ve only met one person who feels this way). But, if he feels that way, it makes sense that there would be people who might be overwhelmed by the emotional burden of invoking such an emotional response. I certainly feel more burdened when I use his name in the first person. I’m not claiming that’s what’s going on with you. But, your description reminded me of this other person, and we can often gain great insight in hearing something even approximately related to our own difficulties.
As for suggestions, I would suggest that a good, small place to start, if you are able, is to repeat a person’s name immediately after they introduce themselves to you, and leave it at that. I suspect it will help cement a few more names than you otherwise would have, and it might have less emotional impact on you to have a formulaic circumstance in which you can think of using another person’s name with them.
When I started running study groups in college, the training included teaching how to learn student’s names. The trick to remembering names is to say the name out loud, with focus on the name and the person at the same time. So, Joachim introduces himself, and you say “Joachim? Nice to meet you, Joachim!” Give the name and face enough time to sink into long term memory. If they don’t introduce themselves, ask them their name, simply apologizing if it turns out you’ve met before.
Then, at the earliest good opportunity, reinforce the name. Using it during the conversation is good. Any time the topic goes in a new direction, or you or your interlocutor have a new idea, you say “So, Joachim, I have another way of looking at that...” or “Joachim, that is an excellent point.” This is totally normal, but might not feel that way to a person who doesn’t use names frequently.
Finally, it is minimally awkward to, at the end of a conversation, say to the person “Well, Joachim, it’s been so good talking to you!” Or, if you’ve totally lost the name, say with a smile “I’ve enjoyed talking with you so much I’ve managed to forget your name!” And they will be quite pleased to remind you.
Not using people’s names is like a microcosm of this thread—if you don’t use the name, rightly or wrongly, you won’t get affirmation or correction.
That all works if you have the capability of recognizing people but just have not practiced it. But you say specifically that you’re not good with faces. A large number of people are partially or completely face-blind. Many (maybe most) don’t realize they have differently functioning brains from the majority of people when it comes to faces. They often recognize people by their distinctive hair color or facial hair, by particularly large or small noses, chins, etc, or even in some cases, by learning the wardrobes of people they are frequently around. I read about one fellow with 4 young children and he is completely unable to tell them apart. So when one jumps in his lap, he hugs them and smiles and says, “So who are you, then?” His kids think it’s a running joke, which is how he treats it, but it’s the only way he’d know who he’s got in his lap.
The point is, if you are not just “bad with faces” but instead face-blind, you may have to use other, more you-specific techniques for identifying people.
It wasn’t until a couple of years ago that I first consciously noticed that I was incapable of using other people’s names to their faces. I could do it with immediate family, and I could do it in third person “Howard was telling me...” I have since made strenuous efforts to get better at it, but it is still really psychologically difficult. That’s also when I realized that it was almost impossible for me to leave a message on an answering machine. I’m working on that one too, but doing so is a serious effort. One of my roommates my freshman year of college had the same issues, but neither of us had a clue why.
It might help to find a friend you can practice with, for the names—if the issue applies to IM/Skype/etc. as well, then you can probably find a practice partner or two right here. Otherwise, hopefully you have an in-person friend who you’d trust to explain this to, and who can encourage you to refer to them by name frequently :)
For answering machines, the same friend can probably help, or you could practice on your own answering machine.
I’ve found that, for most skills, doing really impractical-but-safe practice exercises like this actually really pays off. Even if it doesn’t 100% resolve the issue, it still gives you a good foundation to build on, and helps remind you that the activity CAN be safe.
I sometimes have trouble usings people’s names—I think due to fear that I haven’t remembered them correctly, even if I’m 95% certain or more. If I don’t know the person well it may also seem overly familiar.
That does make it difficult to use the techniques I suggested. Some people do not like other people to use their names because they experience it as an attempt to control them emotionally. They feel it invokes automatic parent-child responses that others ought not have access to.
I think the number of these folks is very low (I’ve only met one person who feels this way). But, if he feels that way, it makes sense that there would be people who might be overwhelmed by the emotional burden of invoking such an emotional response. I certainly feel more burdened when I use his name in the first person. I’m not claiming that’s what’s going on with you. But, your description reminded me of this other person, and we can often gain great insight in hearing something even approximately related to our own difficulties.
As for suggestions, I would suggest that a good, small place to start, if you are able, is to repeat a person’s name immediately after they introduce themselves to you, and leave it at that. I suspect it will help cement a few more names than you otherwise would have, and it might have less emotional impact on you to have a formulaic circumstance in which you can think of using another person’s name with them.