I didn’t read you as hostile at all! I hope you don’t mind if I return the critique, since I have the corresponding counter-peeve. :)
I’ve noticed that people who ask that specific question are usually somewhere between bad and INCREDIBLY bad at reading social cues that indicate I’m not interested in interacting.
Hmm… so you have heard that specific question before? One of the things I liked about it is that I have never heard it before; it seemed unusual and original. I could understand someone not liking it if they had heard it many times.
As far as being bad at reading cues, two other possibilities are a) they are good at reading the cues, but still interested in interacting with you and trying to find a way to make the interaction work; or b) your cues are more ambiguous than you think.
it’s rejecting my answer. I’ll often say “good” because I’m dealing with all sorts of neurochemical imbalances that I don’t want to be thinking about. Pressing further makes me feel like you’re unwilling to accept a polite social deflection. Either way, it requires me to come up with a more convoluted lie, or else share something that isn’t your business and that I didn’t really want to be thinking about.
Contrast my own case, which is that I’ll say “good” because I suspect the other person isn’t actually interested in an honest answer, and giving a fully honest answer might be imposing. Pressing further allows for the possibility of actually being honest and genuinely connecting. If you’re not interested, you don’t have to lie or share something you’re not comfortable with; you could just say “Sorry, not in a good mood for talking now.”
This is why I said the signals you are sending may be ambiguous, in that acting reserved can be a) because you aren’t interested, or b) because you are interested, but aren’t sure that the other person is interested and don’t want to impose.
If it’s an obviously super-brief pro-forma “conversation”, like banter with a waitress, then I see why ruhe47 ’s approach works: it shows that you’re more interested than average, but the other person has an excuse (other customers!) to walk away rather than lay out their whole life or be rude, so it’s not trapping them into a demand for a long answer.
But if someone were to say “Are you really good, or just sorta good?” in a more extended-conversation setting, like a party, then I would agree with Sniffnoy in disliking the proposed question. Without such an obvious natural time limit, that open-ended reflection-demanding question creates too much of an interrogation atmosphere. It’s like you’re going to stand there and poke at their life until you’ve heard enough.
My feeling is that the right way to start an extended conversation with someone is to ask them a question that invites them to remember, specifically remember something that’s fun for them and likely halfway interesting to you.
Toy example from my own life: “I’ve got Netflix streaming now, and I can’t decide what to watch. When you think about TV shows or movies that you’ve really enjoyed, which ones do you think of first?”
It sounds silly, like most conversation-with-strangers openings (“How are you?” is pretty silly in its own way, when you think about it), but it’s easy to answer and it invites discussion of something the other person has fun thinking about. Also it puts the other person in the position of being capable of helping you, as opposed to being evaluated or judged by you, which is a much friendlier subtext.
And hey, I really do need the recommendations. :)
But ruhe47 offered up their technique simply in the context of pro-forma ‘conversations’ like when you’re buying something at a store counter, and in that environment I can totally see how it would work. Especially since when you’re clerking or table-serving, you’re spending hours helping people yet not being engaged with as an interesting human being, so a sign of more genuine interest (without a real obligation to raespond more than you feel like) should be pretty positive.
I didn’t read you as hostile at all! I hope you don’t mind if I return the critique, since I have the corresponding counter-peeve. :)
Hmm… so you have heard that specific question before? One of the things I liked about it is that I have never heard it before; it seemed unusual and original. I could understand someone not liking it if they had heard it many times.
As far as being bad at reading cues, two other possibilities are a) they are good at reading the cues, but still interested in interacting with you and trying to find a way to make the interaction work; or b) your cues are more ambiguous than you think.
Contrast my own case, which is that I’ll say “good” because I suspect the other person isn’t actually interested in an honest answer, and giving a fully honest answer might be imposing. Pressing further allows for the possibility of actually being honest and genuinely connecting. If you’re not interested, you don’t have to lie or share something you’re not comfortable with; you could just say “Sorry, not in a good mood for talking now.”
This is why I said the signals you are sending may be ambiguous, in that acting reserved can be a) because you aren’t interested, or b) because you are interested, but aren’t sure that the other person is interested and don’t want to impose.
If it’s an obviously super-brief pro-forma “conversation”, like banter with a waitress, then I see why ruhe47 ’s approach works: it shows that you’re more interested than average, but the other person has an excuse (other customers!) to walk away rather than lay out their whole life or be rude, so it’s not trapping them into a demand for a long answer.
But if someone were to say “Are you really good, or just sorta good?” in a more extended-conversation setting, like a party, then I would agree with Sniffnoy in disliking the proposed question. Without such an obvious natural time limit, that open-ended reflection-demanding question creates too much of an interrogation atmosphere. It’s like you’re going to stand there and poke at their life until you’ve heard enough.
My feeling is that the right way to start an extended conversation with someone is to ask them a question that invites them to remember, specifically remember something that’s fun for them and likely halfway interesting to you.
Toy example from my own life: “I’ve got Netflix streaming now, and I can’t decide what to watch. When you think about TV shows or movies that you’ve really enjoyed, which ones do you think of first?”
It sounds silly, like most conversation-with-strangers openings (“How are you?” is pretty silly in its own way, when you think about it), but it’s easy to answer and it invites discussion of something the other person has fun thinking about. Also it puts the other person in the position of being capable of helping you, as opposed to being evaluated or judged by you, which is a much friendlier subtext.
And hey, I really do need the recommendations. :)
But ruhe47 offered up their technique simply in the context of pro-forma ‘conversations’ like when you’re buying something at a store counter, and in that environment I can totally see how it would work. Especially since when you’re clerking or table-serving, you’re spending hours helping people yet not being engaged with as an interesting human being, so a sign of more genuine interest (without a real obligation to raespond more than you feel like) should be pretty positive.