Apart from whatever other exercise you’re doing each day, Gottman recommends a ritual of checking in after work and exchanging stories about your days. This time is a Designated Support Zone, no criticism allowed. You take your spouse’s side whether you secretly disagree with them or not. If your spouse gets angry that a police officer gave them a ticket for driving 110 mph through a 25 mph school zone, you are obligated by the terms of your marriage contract to shake your head and say “I know, cops these days have no respect.”
Gottman is slightly less strict in other situations, but he still thinks it’s very important that you take your spouse’s side in conflicts.
This made me wonder if the approach I often take, and that I suggest here, is unwise. That seems possible. But on reflection, I think this mostly just reemphasises what I already knew, which is that taking your partner’s side is a good, simple way to stay on good terms with them. This fact is part of why I try to use the approach I suggest here, rather than simply saying exactly I think is true at all times, in whatever way feels most natural, with no consideration of tact and tone. And it’s part of why I wrote that this approach allows me to “Do 4 without having to be too obnoxious or contrarian in the process, and while still letting people have space to vent, which I think is valuable in itself and to maintain relationships”.
I’m guessing the difference between my rationale for my approach and Gottman’s rationale for his advice (based on SSC’s summary) is that I strongly value both staying on good terms with my partner and having good epistemic standards. And it seems that this approach allows me to achieve both quite well, most of the time, though there can certainly be tradeoffs and slip-ups along the way, and I’d advise proceeding with caution.
(Also, part III of SSC’s review reveals major questions around the effectiveness and evidence-base of Gottman’s advice, so maybe it shouldn’t be given much thought anyway. But I do suspect Gottman is at least right in his apparent view about the value of taking your spouse’s side for the goal of staying on good terms with them.)
Just saw the following in SSC’s review of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work:
This made me wonder if the approach I often take, and that I suggest here, is unwise. That seems possible. But on reflection, I think this mostly just reemphasises what I already knew, which is that taking your partner’s side is a good, simple way to stay on good terms with them. This fact is part of why I try to use the approach I suggest here, rather than simply saying exactly I think is true at all times, in whatever way feels most natural, with no consideration of tact and tone. And it’s part of why I wrote that this approach allows me to “Do 4 without having to be too obnoxious or contrarian in the process, and while still letting people have space to vent, which I think is valuable in itself and to maintain relationships”.
I’m guessing the difference between my rationale for my approach and Gottman’s rationale for his advice (based on SSC’s summary) is that I strongly value both staying on good terms with my partner and having good epistemic standards. And it seems that this approach allows me to achieve both quite well, most of the time, though there can certainly be tradeoffs and slip-ups along the way, and I’d advise proceeding with caution.
(Also, part III of SSC’s review reveals major questions around the effectiveness and evidence-base of Gottman’s advice, so maybe it shouldn’t be given much thought anyway. But I do suspect Gottman is at least right in his apparent view about the value of taking your spouse’s side for the goal of staying on good terms with them.)