#Why would my being special to someone imply that they couldn’t have sex and/or long-term relationships with people they found attractive?#
To quote Alicorn’s original post:
#I want to be someone’s top romantic priority, ideally symmetrically. [This is satisfied by me and MBlume having an explicitly primary relationship instead of each having a bunch of undifferentiated ones.]#
We are talking about a real need, a real issue here. While I consider the answer essentially correct, I also feel that dismissing the implied concern out of hand, as if it was not there to be considered, would be a mistake (after all, many of those considering polygamy are bound to feel that same way). Note that, as remarked, even here we have different levels, different shades, there is a difference between being someone’s top romantic priorities and just a generic “one of the many”.
I guess that what the original poster meant was “unique”, “exclusive”, rather than “special”. Alicorn’s post remaked that being the “top” romantic priority is 95% of the deal. The fact that the relationship is not “unique”, but that you are just one of two, six, n romantic interests might make someone feel as if they were easily repleaceable, interchangeable like a car’s wheel, whereas, in fact, the feelings of those involved are no less real or intense.
Simply because there are others just like you does not mean that you don’t matter to your partner. In other words, it does not make you “not special”, only “not unique”, which, to some people, might appear like the same thing, but it is not.
The problem lies in that remaining 5% that distinguish “top” from “exclusive” romantic interest. To some people, that uniqueness -the fact that the bond is unique, involved only you and your partner, and no one else- is something special and valuable in an of itself. The fact of the matter is that the value one places on exclusivity is highly subjective, everyone has to draw their own conclusions.
An unstated question that emerges in these two points is “can two people be fully satisfied with only each other?” -the original poster seemed to imply (I apologize if that was not the case) that the very need to have a relationship with other people besides the current partner means that said partner is not the “right” person, otherwise you wouldn’t feel unsatisfied (as I heard in the past, essentially using artificial measures to keep up a relationship that should have ended ages ago)-.
While I don’t completely agree with that, I must say that I would likely not consider polygamy simply because of some feeling of boredom I might end up feeling in the future. In general, in that respect, I must say that I don’t see poly as the panacea to save a not completely satisfactory relationship. In my opinion, it would be entirely possible for two people to be satisfied with each other without resorting to outside partners. Communication is the real issue, here -without that, even with ten different partners one would never be able to have a functioning relationship-. So, I don’t necessarily see polygamy as the answer to lack of interest in an existing relationship, nor as some sort of magical solution that would ensure the surivival of a future one.
To put it simply, you could very well feel lonely in a crowd.
If nothing else, the increased number of people involved would make it harder to cope with possible attritions/jealousies that might arise in the future. It’s all to easy to imagine the potential problems: your partner having a fight with her partner, and being irritable when she is with you, her partner becoming jealous with her and your relationship,… the mere fact that there are more people, and more variables to consider, make the list of “things that could go wrong” that much longer, negating pretty much any perceived advantage one might think to gain from such an arrangement, simply because of the increasingly complex dynamics.
Again, to summarize, put enough people together, and you will most likely end up saying something that one of them disagrees with. It’s all too easy hurting someone without meaning to, even if you know him very well, and that problem is magnified if you increase the number of people involved (at least in my experience).
In the end, the only point I disagree with is the fact that polygamy might necessarily be the best way to have a satisfactory, lasting relationship. In my experience, that had not been the case, and in general, I think that, as a possible arrangement, it’s not without its own share of problems, albeit different ones. It’s not necessarily superior to a monogamous relationship, just… different. I guess that what I am trying to say is, don’t expect it to be a magical solution to all of your problems, without proper communication, it will fail, just like anything else.
I think I could have lived with being a member of a triad without explicit rankings; other arrangements would have been progressively less appealing and at some point I would have been necessarily skeptical that there was enough interest for both the relationship and the subsidy to persist.
So I would guess, it all depends on the situation. Are we talking about a “primary” relationship, etc. I guess that at a certain point you could, presumably, start to quetion your role and importance in the relationship.
The thought of my partner sharing a particular level of connection (poorly specified, but I know it when I see it / imagine it) with another person triggers typical primate challenge behaviors in me. E.g., violence toward the other male. Along with feelings of having been hurt. Since I’m special to my partner, the implication is that she wouldn’t want to make me feel hurt and highly violent.
You’ve never felt romantic jealousy? Or did you hack it away like Alicorn?
For males who do not share this trait, I wonder on the mechanism, and whether it might have some relation to measures of testosterone. Probably too simplistic, but a study I’d like to see nonetheless.
I’ve found that my jealousy, though much lower than seems normal, still varies considerably. And it correlates, as far as I can tell, with general self-confidence. If I’m feeling down about myself I feel much more possessive and attached to significant others. When I’m feeling good about myself I’ve been fine with open relationships. Of course, that doesn’t mean that variable explains all jealousy variation in the population. As for testosterone: anecdotally I haven’t noticed anything when my testosterone level increased following a change in diet and exercise.
And it correlates, as far as I can tell, with general self-confidence. If I’m feeling down about myself I feel much more possessive and attached to significant others. When I’m feeling good about myself I’ve been fine with open relationships.
This has been my experience too—jealousy almost always comes from a place of insecurity. For a while my standard jealousy first-aid was just to make an extra trip to the gym/practice some other skill I could feel good about improving at.
Yes. Why would my being special to someone imply that they couldn’t have sex and/or long-term relationships with people they found attractive?
#Why would my being special to someone imply that they couldn’t have sex and/or long-term relationships with people they found attractive?#
To quote Alicorn’s original post:
#I want to be someone’s top romantic priority, ideally symmetrically. [This is satisfied by me and MBlume having an explicitly primary relationship instead of each having a bunch of undifferentiated ones.]#
We are talking about a real need, a real issue here. While I consider the answer essentially correct, I also feel that dismissing the implied concern out of hand, as if it was not there to be considered, would be a mistake (after all, many of those considering polygamy are bound to feel that same way). Note that, as remarked, even here we have different levels, different shades, there is a difference between being someone’s top romantic priorities and just a generic “one of the many”.
I guess that what the original poster meant was “unique”, “exclusive”, rather than “special”. Alicorn’s post remaked that being the “top” romantic priority is 95% of the deal. The fact that the relationship is not “unique”, but that you are just one of two, six, n romantic interests might make someone feel as if they were easily repleaceable, interchangeable like a car’s wheel, whereas, in fact, the feelings of those involved are no less real or intense. Simply because there are others just like you does not mean that you don’t matter to your partner. In other words, it does not make you “not special”, only “not unique”, which, to some people, might appear like the same thing, but it is not.
The problem lies in that remaining 5% that distinguish “top” from “exclusive” romantic interest. To some people, that uniqueness -the fact that the bond is unique, involved only you and your partner, and no one else- is something special and valuable in an of itself. The fact of the matter is that the value one places on exclusivity is highly subjective, everyone has to draw their own conclusions.
An unstated question that emerges in these two points is “can two people be fully satisfied with only each other?” -the original poster seemed to imply (I apologize if that was not the case) that the very need to have a relationship with other people besides the current partner means that said partner is not the “right” person, otherwise you wouldn’t feel unsatisfied (as I heard in the past, essentially using artificial measures to keep up a relationship that should have ended ages ago)-.
While I don’t completely agree with that, I must say that I would likely not consider polygamy simply because of some feeling of boredom I might end up feeling in the future. In general, in that respect, I must say that I don’t see poly as the panacea to save a not completely satisfactory relationship. In my opinion, it would be entirely possible for two people to be satisfied with each other without resorting to outside partners. Communication is the real issue, here -without that, even with ten different partners one would never be able to have a functioning relationship-. So, I don’t necessarily see polygamy as the answer to lack of interest in an existing relationship, nor as some sort of magical solution that would ensure the surivival of a future one.
To put it simply, you could very well feel lonely in a crowd.
If nothing else, the increased number of people involved would make it harder to cope with possible attritions/jealousies that might arise in the future. It’s all to easy to imagine the potential problems: your partner having a fight with her partner, and being irritable when she is with you, her partner becoming jealous with her and your relationship,… the mere fact that there are more people, and more variables to consider, make the list of “things that could go wrong” that much longer, negating pretty much any perceived advantage one might think to gain from such an arrangement, simply because of the increasingly complex dynamics.
Again, to summarize, put enough people together, and you will most likely end up saying something that one of them disagrees with. It’s all too easy hurting someone without meaning to, even if you know him very well, and that problem is magnified if you increase the number of people involved (at least in my experience).
In the end, the only point I disagree with is the fact that polygamy might necessarily be the best way to have a satisfactory, lasting relationship. In my experience, that had not been the case, and in general, I think that, as a possible arrangement, it’s not without its own share of problems, albeit different ones. It’s not necessarily superior to a monogamous relationship, just… different. I guess that what I am trying to say is, don’t expect it to be a magical solution to all of your problems, without proper communication, it will fail, just like anything else.
To quote Alicorn:
I think I could have lived with being a member of a triad without explicit rankings; other arrangements would have been progressively less appealing and at some point I would have been necessarily skeptical that there was enough interest for both the relationship and the subsidy to persist.
So I would guess, it all depends on the situation. Are we talking about a “primary” relationship, etc. I guess that at a certain point you could, presumably, start to quetion your role and importance in the relationship.
The thought of my partner sharing a particular level of connection (poorly specified, but I know it when I see it / imagine it) with another person triggers typical primate challenge behaviors in me. E.g., violence toward the other male. Along with feelings of having been hurt. Since I’m special to my partner, the implication is that she wouldn’t want to make me feel hurt and highly violent.
You’ve never felt romantic jealousy? Or did you hack it away like Alicorn?
For males who do not share this trait, I wonder on the mechanism, and whether it might have some relation to measures of testosterone. Probably too simplistic, but a study I’d like to see nonetheless.
I’ve found that my jealousy, though much lower than seems normal, still varies considerably. And it correlates, as far as I can tell, with general self-confidence. If I’m feeling down about myself I feel much more possessive and attached to significant others. When I’m feeling good about myself I’ve been fine with open relationships. Of course, that doesn’t mean that variable explains all jealousy variation in the population. As for testosterone: anecdotally I haven’t noticed anything when my testosterone level increased following a change in diet and exercise.
This has been my experience too—jealousy almost always comes from a place of insecurity. For a while my standard jealousy first-aid was just to make an extra trip to the gym/practice some other skill I could feel good about improving at.
FWIW I’ve very rarely experienced anything like this reaction.