I agree that the examples I’m aware of go awry more often than not, but not by any overwhelming margin. It is an additional challenge, and possibly a formidable one, but it is not fatal to a relationship.
The poly partner can agree to be monogamous, or the mono partner can agree to allow the poly partner to have multiple relationships. Either solution is fine if it works, but in practice one of the partners often isn’t fully comfortable with the scheme. This can easily lead to stuff like a partner saying that thing X is okay but then changing his mind afterwards. Possibly worse, they may change their mind but not have the guts to say it (since they did, after all, already say it was okay) and get resentful and passive-aggressive. Or they may not really be comfortable with it in the first place, but go along with it because they don’t want to destroy the relationship. Et cetera.
I’m not saying that this stuff is unavoidable: there do exist perfectly happy mono-poly pairs. But my experience suggests that such issues are pretty common for m-p pairs. (Not that my experience would be anywhere near a representative sample.)
It is very challenging, but not all such pairs are doomed. I know one that’s immensely stable and has been for over a decade; I knew another where the poly partner eventually couldn’t take it (and got involved with me months after the breakup).
It’s been my general impression. Though obviously this is the kind of a conflict that’s usually kept private, so the conflict may be more common (and the perfect happiness about this issue more rare) than I think.
Agree that exclusivity-offerers tend to be exclusivity-demanders as well. But does this stay true given that they also say “Okay, you be poly”? That would seem to screen off a lot.
(Edit) To expand: demanding exclusivity from one’s partner has perks (chiefly, exclusivity). Not demanding it also has perks (Eliezer gives examples). Given that someone wants one partner, they’re likely to prefer the first set of perks to the second. Given that someone wants one partner and does not demand exclusivity from them? Seems much less clear to me.
Mono-poly pairs strike me as a recipe for bad drama.
My experience supports that.
Ditto. (The relevant experience is secondhand, but played out essentially as you said in the other thread.)
I agree that the examples I’m aware of go awry more often than not, but not by any overwhelming margin. It is an additional challenge, and possibly a formidable one, but it is not fatal to a relationship.
Why?
The poly partner can agree to be monogamous, or the mono partner can agree to allow the poly partner to have multiple relationships. Either solution is fine if it works, but in practice one of the partners often isn’t fully comfortable with the scheme. This can easily lead to stuff like a partner saying that thing X is okay but then changing his mind afterwards. Possibly worse, they may change their mind but not have the guts to say it (since they did, after all, already say it was okay) and get resentful and passive-aggressive. Or they may not really be comfortable with it in the first place, but go along with it because they don’t want to destroy the relationship. Et cetera.
I’m not saying that this stuff is unavoidable: there do exist perfectly happy mono-poly pairs. But my experience suggests that such issues are pretty common for m-p pairs. (Not that my experience would be anywhere near a representative sample.)
You actually know this for a fact, or is it just a nice thing to say?
I know this for a fact, so I’ll back Kaj here.
It is very challenging, but not all such pairs are doomed. I know one that’s immensely stable and has been for over a decade; I knew another where the poly partner eventually couldn’t take it (and got involved with me months after the breakup).
It’s been my general impression. Though obviously this is the kind of a conflict that’s usually kept private, so the conflict may be more common (and the perfect happiness about this issue more rare) than I think.
Agree that exclusivity-offerers tend to be exclusivity-demanders as well. But does this stay true given that they also say “Okay, you be poly”? That would seem to screen off a lot.
(Edit) To expand: demanding exclusivity from one’s partner has perks (chiefly, exclusivity). Not demanding it also has perks (Eliezer gives examples). Given that someone wants one partner, they’re likely to prefer the first set of perks to the second. Given that someone wants one partner and does not demand exclusivity from them? Seems much less clear to me.