Every time I have ever pointed out specific things I don’t like in answer to “Why won’t you date me?” (back when I was available) the guy has used my reply to insist that he will change and beg for another chance. Then I have to say, “No, I don’t believe you will ever change in that way, and even if you did it wouldn’t be anytime soon, and offering to change yourself for me is really weird.” And then he argues that no, he can change right away, it’s no trouble, please give him a chance. It’s terribly unpleasant. I stopped giving specific answers, and instead said things like, “I guess we just don’t have the right chemistry.” Actually I think that’s a perfectly good and honest answer, and it’s the one that’s always true even when there’s no specific thing I can put my finger on.
I can’t pick out exactly what about someone turns me on or doesn’t turn me on because it’s subconscious, it’s my subconscious mind processing a million details all at once, and even when a person does have, say, bad BO, that’s just something that I was actually able to notice consciously so I might think of that as The Reason but once they fix their BO, all the other stuff, the millions of details only my subconscious picks up, those will still be there and the person will be pissed that the “fix” didn’t work. So I think actually giving a specific reason, or even two or three, is not as honest as just saying chalking it up to “chemistry” (which of course is shorthand for “it’s too complex and subconscious to explain”).
If I really wanted to try explaining a lack of chemistry, I’d probably be able to do no better than, “Some things about you, especially your para-language but other aspects of your behavior as well, though I can’t put my finger on them, rub me the wrong way, or at least inspire no romantic response in me.” Would anyone really find that helpful?
Perhaps you could start by saying, “I can only tell you if you’re asking for information and you promise not to argue.” I don’t know how practical that is in real life.
LWers could have a convention for saying to each other, “Please tell me so that I know how I was perceived by you. I will not argue and tell you that you perceived me differently, I will not blame the messenger, and I will not subject you to the unpleasant experience of hearing me offer to change.”
At first, I thought that making a new convention is the wrong way to go about it. How many conventions should we need to remember then? making new conventions all over the place for LWer’s will be too difficult, too many different social rules to juggle.
For example, in such a situation, as in asking a person out, you would need to think about the LW community conventions and then normal conventions when deciding actions. But then, you couldn’t do better unless you allow for change.
If a community is to be truly made, perhaps a set of conventions can be constructed so that, this convention will slot nicely into an easily searchable hierarchy: Relationships → relationship changing → approaches/dating requests. You could make an iPhone app so that the LWer looking for love (or wishing to do some social action) can quickly and discretely check up the currently accepted conventions/guidelines. If someone deviates, you can have all sorts of fun deciding to call them on it.
The problem isn’t in remembering social conventions, humans naturally do it and you’re using oodles of them now.
If there is a problem, it is in consciously calling for the new social convention, as it’s the less common way they form. I don’t think there’s anything wrong here, though.
There are some cases where I have made factual errors in which I’d like to be corrected. Like, if a necessary condition of my not wanting to date someone is “I don’t do long-distance relationships and you are about to move to Bangladesh”, and in fact the person is not about to move to Bangladesh because there was some change of plans, this is in fact a fine time to notify me. Or even “my model of you implies that you would, under $circumstance, do $behavior, even though I’ve never directly observed you in $circumstance”.
But yes, if it’s “you have $personal_characteristic”, offering to change it—unless it’s really trivial, on the order of “you use the word ‘splendid’ annoyingly often”, which would rarely if ever be the whole reason anyway—is not a correct answer.
Every time I have ever pointed out specific things I don’t like in answer to “Why won’t you date me?” (back when I was available) the guy has used my reply to insist that he will change and beg for another chance.
I’ve had this kind of thing happened to me and have heard similar stories way too many times. For people who want to ask directly for reasons why they’ve been rejected please remember than an answer is not license to argue the point. Nor is arguing the matter a good idea. You will not argue your way into a healthy relationship- just take the person’s reported feelings and update on that evidence.
I can’t pick out exactly what about someone turns me on or doesn’t turn me on because it’s subconscious, it’s my subconscious mind processing a million details all at once, and even when a person does have, say, bad BO, that’s just something that I was actually able to notice consciously so I might think of that as The Reason but once they fix their BO, all the other stuff, the millions of details only my subconscious picks up, those will still be there and the person will be pissed that the “fix” didn’t work. So I think actually giving a specific reason, or even two or three, is not as honest as just saying chalking it up to “chemistry” (which of course is shorthand for “it’s too complex and subconscious to explain”).
Perhaps best summed up as “I don’t want to answer because I want to avoid verbal overshadowing.”
This is why last time I had cause to ask for an explanation, I specifically disclaimed that I would not be using her reasons to come up with some clever way we could get back together.
It would be nice of you to make sure the guys leave without his illusions about the power of introspection. They apparently think not only that they can instantly change whatever they want about themselves, they think you know and can tell them what would need changing.
I would suggest establishing a personal policy of accepting only one romantic proposition per person-you-are-not-already-dating per week, or something along those lines. That way, if someone offers to change immediately, you can simply explain that you will not consider any such offers from them until the given time period has elapsed.
If they are bullshitting (as seems likely) and have little or no intention/ability to maintain such a change, the delay is enough that they will look elsewhere for short-term satisfaction; if their interest is genuine, persistent, specific to you, and the problems are as superficial and trivially resolved as they claim, 168 hours should be more than long enough to implement such a solution and clear your short-term memory for a new ‘first impression.’
Every time I have ever pointed out specific things I don’t like in answer to “Why won’t you date me?” (back when I was available) the guy has used my reply to insist that he will change and beg for another chance. Then I have to say, “No, I don’t believe you will ever change in that way, and even if you did it wouldn’t be anytime soon, and offering to change yourself for me is really weird.” And then he argues that no, he can change right away, it’s no trouble, please give him a chance. It’s terribly unpleasant. I stopped giving specific answers, and instead said things like, “I guess we just don’t have the right chemistry.” Actually I think that’s a perfectly good and honest answer, and it’s the one that’s always true even when there’s no specific thing I can put my finger on.
I can’t pick out exactly what about someone turns me on or doesn’t turn me on because it’s subconscious, it’s my subconscious mind processing a million details all at once, and even when a person does have, say, bad BO, that’s just something that I was actually able to notice consciously so I might think of that as The Reason but once they fix their BO, all the other stuff, the millions of details only my subconscious picks up, those will still be there and the person will be pissed that the “fix” didn’t work. So I think actually giving a specific reason, or even two or three, is not as honest as just saying chalking it up to “chemistry” (which of course is shorthand for “it’s too complex and subconscious to explain”).
If I really wanted to try explaining a lack of chemistry, I’d probably be able to do no better than, “Some things about you, especially your para-language but other aspects of your behavior as well, though I can’t put my finger on them, rub me the wrong way, or at least inspire no romantic response in me.” Would anyone really find that helpful?
Perhaps you could start by saying, “I can only tell you if you’re asking for information and you promise not to argue.” I don’t know how practical that is in real life.
LWers could have a convention for saying to each other, “Please tell me so that I know how I was perceived by you. I will not argue and tell you that you perceived me differently, I will not blame the messenger, and I will not subject you to the unpleasant experience of hearing me offer to change.”
At first, I thought that making a new convention is the wrong way to go about it. How many conventions should we need to remember then? making new conventions all over the place for LWer’s will be too difficult, too many different social rules to juggle.
For example, in such a situation, as in asking a person out, you would need to think about the LW community conventions and then normal conventions when deciding actions. But then, you couldn’t do better unless you allow for change.
If a community is to be truly made, perhaps a set of conventions can be constructed so that, this convention will slot nicely into an easily searchable hierarchy: Relationships → relationship changing → approaches/dating requests. You could make an iPhone app so that the LWer looking for love (or wishing to do some social action) can quickly and discretely check up the currently accepted conventions/guidelines. If someone deviates, you can have all sorts of fun deciding to call them on it.
The problem isn’t in remembering social conventions, humans naturally do it and you’re using oodles of them now.
If there is a problem, it is in consciously calling for the new social convention, as it’s the less common way they form. I don’t think there’s anything wrong here, though.
Hmm, how about shortening that to “SMK’s request?” That’s probably easier shorthand.
There are some cases where I have made factual errors in which I’d like to be corrected. Like, if a necessary condition of my not wanting to date someone is “I don’t do long-distance relationships and you are about to move to Bangladesh”, and in fact the person is not about to move to Bangladesh because there was some change of plans, this is in fact a fine time to notify me. Or even “my model of you implies that you would, under $circumstance, do $behavior, even though I’ve never directly observed you in $circumstance”.
But yes, if it’s “you have $personal_characteristic”, offering to change it—unless it’s really trivial, on the order of “you use the word ‘splendid’ annoyingly often”, which would rarely if ever be the whole reason anyway—is not a correct answer.
I’ve had this kind of thing happened to me and have heard similar stories way too many times. For people who want to ask directly for reasons why they’ve been rejected please remember than an answer is not license to argue the point. Nor is arguing the matter a good idea. You will not argue your way into a healthy relationship- just take the person’s reported feelings and update on that evidence.
Perhaps best summed up as “I don’t want to answer because I want to avoid verbal overshadowing.”
Edit: fixed negation
This is why last time I had cause to ask for an explanation, I specifically disclaimed that I would not be using her reasons to come up with some clever way we could get back together.
It would be nice of you to make sure the guys leave without his illusions about the power of introspection. They apparently think not only that they can instantly change whatever they want about themselves, they think you know and can tell them what would need changing.
“One specific thing I really don’t like is people changing themselves for others.”
Might not be helpful, might not solve that problem, but the look on their face will probably make the conversation slightly more bearable.
I would suggest establishing a personal policy of accepting only one romantic proposition per person-you-are-not-already-dating per week, or something along those lines. That way, if someone offers to change immediately, you can simply explain that you will not consider any such offers from them until the given time period has elapsed.
If they are bullshitting (as seems likely) and have little or no intention/ability to maintain such a change, the delay is enough that they will look elsewhere for short-term satisfaction; if their interest is genuine, persistent, specific to you, and the problems are as superficial and trivially resolved as they claim, 168 hours should be more than long enough to implement such a solution and clear your short-term memory for a new ‘first impression.’