Because they might like the other more, which would hurt me enough that I would not want to stay.
And a child might (and often will) say the same about a new little brother or sister.
This doesn’t illustrate your proclaimed difference between the two situations. You’re not losing your partner, you’re leaving them. Just as a child doesn’t lose their parents love, but they may choose to ignore that love because they are jealous of a younger sibling.
I don’t see the child-parent relationship as usefully analogous to the romantic love relationship.
You’re not losing your partner, you’re leaving them.
If one of your partners murders your mother, but wants to stay with you, is there really a difference if you call what follows “losing them” or “leaving them”? You lost/left your partner because they committed a dealbreaker. I just have different dealbreakers than you do.
I see your murder analogy as less useful than the child-parent analogy, FWIW.
Anyway, I asked, and you answered:
Why would your partner need to leave you for another if they could just have you both??
Because they might like the other more, which would hurt me enough that I would not want to stay.
Whoa, whoa, whoa… that is not an answer to the question I asked! You see, already, by examining the hypothetical situation, we are getting somewhere. :-)
So are your fears truly about being left, or about feeling a level of jealousy and hurt that you don’t think you can live with?
(You don’t have to answer me; the point is that, through asking these kinds of questions and examining your feelings, you can find the source of these feelings. And sometimes it’s a surprisingly small thing that you really need!)
You lost/left your partner because they committed a dealbreaker. I just have different dealbreakers than you do.
You choose (and are allowed to change) your deal-breakers.
And for the record, in case it sounds like I’m trying to convince you to try polyamory again, I’m really not. Not at all. While I don’t think the reasons you gave are very good ones for avoiding polyamory, the fact that you are in a successful mono relationship that you are both happy with is all the reason you need, of course. :-)
So are your fears truly about being left, or about feeling a level of jealousy and hurt that you don’t think you can live with?
Both, of course. The jealousy and hurt is, in part, a rejection to a fear of being left or rejected. And in part it’s just base possessiveness, probably. I’m good with that.
you can find the source of these feelings
I’m answering questions about these feelings because I’m in a discussion about them with people who presumable don’t feel them (or not in the same way). I’m not confused or in the dark about the source of my feelings on the matter. This is not the first time I’ve thought about my feelings, just as I’m sure when you explain why you’re okay with poly, it’s not your first time working through these thoughts either.
You choose (and are allowed to change) your deal-breakers.
Sure. But why would I, when I have zero desire to?
And a child might (and often will) say the same about a new little brother or sister.
This doesn’t illustrate your proclaimed difference between the two situations. You’re not losing your partner, you’re leaving them. Just as a child doesn’t lose their parents love, but they may choose to ignore that love because they are jealous of a younger sibling.
I don’t see the child-parent relationship as usefully analogous to the romantic love relationship.
If one of your partners murders your mother, but wants to stay with you, is there really a difference if you call what follows “losing them” or “leaving them”? You lost/left your partner because they committed a dealbreaker. I just have different dealbreakers than you do.
I see your murder analogy as less useful than the child-parent analogy, FWIW.
Anyway, I asked, and you answered:
Whoa, whoa, whoa… that is not an answer to the question I asked! You see, already, by examining the hypothetical situation, we are getting somewhere. :-)
So are your fears truly about being left, or about feeling a level of jealousy and hurt that you don’t think you can live with?
(You don’t have to answer me; the point is that, through asking these kinds of questions and examining your feelings, you can find the source of these feelings. And sometimes it’s a surprisingly small thing that you really need!)
You choose (and are allowed to change) your deal-breakers.
And for the record, in case it sounds like I’m trying to convince you to try polyamory again, I’m really not. Not at all. While I don’t think the reasons you gave are very good ones for avoiding polyamory, the fact that you are in a successful mono relationship that you are both happy with is all the reason you need, of course. :-)
Both, of course. The jealousy and hurt is, in part, a rejection to a fear of being left or rejected. And in part it’s just base possessiveness, probably. I’m good with that.
I’m answering questions about these feelings because I’m in a discussion about them with people who presumable don’t feel them (or not in the same way). I’m not confused or in the dark about the source of my feelings on the matter. This is not the first time I’ve thought about my feelings, just as I’m sure when you explain why you’re okay with poly, it’s not your first time working through these thoughts either.
Sure. But why would I, when I have zero desire to?