Yes, many poly folks do think they’re more evolved. Yes, this is just embarrassing at best, and sanctimonious and preachy at worst. No, the rest of us are not accountable to shut them down so you don’t feel squicked by the whole thing.
I’ll call people on the offensive tropes not because I feel responsible on behalf of the Poly Conspiracy to do so, but because they are offensive tropes.
This is a perspective some poly types share, that jealousy and polyamory are not compatible. I’ve never quite understood it;
We’re almost playing Poly Trope Bingo now! (Although they don’t actually seem to have the “poly = no jealousy” meme there, oh well.)
I have said that poly doesn’t mean no jealousy; poly means additional tools in the repertoire with which to deal with jealousy. Perhaps I can draw a long bow and say just as some bi people might describe themselves as gender-oblivious while others might self-ID as gender-aware-and-interested-in-more-than-one gender, my experience has been that some poly people self-ID as “did not install the jealousy patch” while others can be jealous but don’t regard that as fatal to poly. I cannot find any research on this.
As to the question of children’s welfare, there’s very little data because it’s difficult to get funding for it
Custody has been (successfully) awarded and children removed from parents in some (USA) areas simply by referencing open poly or revealing closeted poly. There are a lot of cultural and privilege challenges in poly for families with children.
I’ll call people on the offensive tropes not because I feel responsible on behalf of the Poly Conspiracy to do so,
but because they are offensive tropes.
I do too, when I encounter them in my social sphere (it’s not merely offensive in my view, it’s just a painfully stupid idea). What I dislike is the implied obligation to police a group of people with whom my only assured point of commonality is our nonmonogamy for their painfully stupid and/or offensive ideas so that a monogamous person feels better about poly people as a whole. How they feel about us is not my responsibility, and I’m already acting to counteract the stupid ideas bothering them for my own reasons.
I have said that poly doesn’t mean no jealousy; poly means additional tools in the repertoire with which to deal > with jealousy.
That seems like an accurate summary.
As to the comments re: child custody, yeah, I’m aware of how grim it is for poly parents involved in a custody battle. :\ Several friends of mine have suffered for it, and a few remain on guard against the possibility.
What I dislike is the implied obligation to police a group of people with whom my only assured point of commonality is our nonmonogamy for their painfully stupid and/or offensive ideas so that a monogamous person feels better about poly people as a whole.
I share your annoyance!
However I also have an explicit policy of doing (or continuing to do) something I have decided is the right thing to do, even if in so doing I apparently reinforce stupid/annoying entitlement. I thought I should not allow irritation to be so powerful as to derail me from my chosen behaviour.
Okay. Good for you. That doesn’t make the entitlement any less stupid or annoying.
Note that “Whether I am doing something about this” and “Whether I feel like calling out stupid/annoying entitlement” are seperate questions. It is entirely possible to be aware of both. It is furthermore not necessary for me to prove my credentials on this point to the person making the entitled demand of me (even if only by implication).
In summary: I know what I’m doing about stupid memes within the groups I frequent, including my fellow polyamorists, and I don’t owe an accounting of that to a monogamous person who’s ignorant and entitled enough to seriously demand, anonymously and in general, that “smart” poly folk police the memes he doesn’t like so that “we can have a real conversation.” For all he knows lots of poly people are already arguing the opposite to the “poly = more evolved” boosters—how would he be able to tell the difference between people doing that, and being ignored or just having limited energy and desire and time in the day to spend all their lives seeking out and squashing that one meme that bugs him, and a world where they’re not doing it at all? He wouldn’t, because the meme is there regardless.
If after reading this reply you still fail to understand that I am against the meme in question and believe it is worth countering within our community, I ask you to let it go—I am not interested in taking this conversation any further, if you can’t understand what I’m saying.
I see I have written poorly. I understand you’re against the meme and I have no problem with anything you’ve written about your conduct or attitudes. My apologies, it seems I have come across as combative when I was aiming for “musing collaboratively”.
I think perhaps I had misread you as saying your motivation to combat the memes was reduced if that combat reinforced clueless entitlement. I thought that was an unfortunate result. Entitlement always annoys me, but I try to be explicitly suspicious of decisions I make out of annoyance, and I thought that was interesting in a more general case as well as for our subtopic. Perhaps I’ve been projecting; perhaps I shouldn’t try writing on LW when jetlagged.
I think perhaps I had misread you as saying your motivation to combat the memes was reduced if that combat
reinforced clueless entitlement.
Ahhhh, okay. No, just that I don’t feel it’s necessary or helpful to signal my own participation to someone making such a demand, compared to signalling that they’re being inappropriate.
Entitlement always annoys me, but I try to be explicitly suspicious of decisions I make out of annoyance,
I’ll call people on the offensive tropes not because I feel responsible on behalf of the Poly Conspiracy to do so, but because they are offensive tropes.
We’re almost playing Poly Trope Bingo now! (Although they don’t actually seem to have the “poly = no jealousy” meme there, oh well.)
I have said that poly doesn’t mean no jealousy; poly means additional tools in the repertoire with which to deal with jealousy. Perhaps I can draw a long bow and say just as some bi people might describe themselves as gender-oblivious while others might self-ID as gender-aware-and-interested-in-more-than-one gender, my experience has been that some poly people self-ID as “did not install the jealousy patch” while others can be jealous but don’t regard that as fatal to poly. I cannot find any research on this.
Custody has been (successfully) awarded and children removed from parents in some (USA) areas simply by referencing open poly or revealing closeted poly. There are a lot of cultural and privilege challenges in poly for families with children.
I do too, when I encounter them in my social sphere (it’s not merely offensive in my view, it’s just a painfully stupid idea). What I dislike is the implied obligation to police a group of people with whom my only assured point of commonality is our nonmonogamy for their painfully stupid and/or offensive ideas so that a monogamous person feels better about poly people as a whole. How they feel about us is not my responsibility, and I’m already acting to counteract the stupid ideas bothering them for my own reasons.
That seems like an accurate summary.
As to the comments re: child custody, yeah, I’m aware of how grim it is for poly parents involved in a custody battle. :\ Several friends of mine have suffered for it, and a few remain on guard against the possibility.
I share your annoyance!
However I also have an explicit policy of doing (or continuing to do) something I have decided is the right thing to do, even if in so doing I apparently reinforce stupid/annoying entitlement. I thought I should not allow irritation to be so powerful as to derail me from my chosen behaviour.
Okay. Good for you. That doesn’t make the entitlement any less stupid or annoying.
Note that “Whether I am doing something about this” and “Whether I feel like calling out stupid/annoying entitlement” are seperate questions. It is entirely possible to be aware of both. It is furthermore not necessary for me to prove my credentials on this point to the person making the entitled demand of me (even if only by implication).
In summary: I know what I’m doing about stupid memes within the groups I frequent, including my fellow polyamorists, and I don’t owe an accounting of that to a monogamous person who’s ignorant and entitled enough to seriously demand, anonymously and in general, that “smart” poly folk police the memes he doesn’t like so that “we can have a real conversation.” For all he knows lots of poly people are already arguing the opposite to the “poly = more evolved” boosters—how would he be able to tell the difference between people doing that, and being ignored or just having limited energy and desire and time in the day to spend all their lives seeking out and squashing that one meme that bugs him, and a world where they’re not doing it at all? He wouldn’t, because the meme is there regardless.
If after reading this reply you still fail to understand that I am against the meme in question and believe it is worth countering within our community, I ask you to let it go—I am not interested in taking this conversation any further, if you can’t understand what I’m saying.
I see I have written poorly. I understand you’re against the meme and I have no problem with anything you’ve written about your conduct or attitudes. My apologies, it seems I have come across as combative when I was aiming for “musing collaboratively”.
I think perhaps I had misread you as saying your motivation to combat the memes was reduced if that combat reinforced clueless entitlement. I thought that was an unfortunate result. Entitlement always annoys me, but I try to be explicitly suspicious of decisions I make out of annoyance, and I thought that was interesting in a more general case as well as for our subtopic. Perhaps I’ve been projecting; perhaps I shouldn’t try writing on LW when jetlagged.
Ahhhh, okay. No, just that I don’t feel it’s necessary or helpful to signal my own participation to someone making such a demand, compared to signalling that they’re being inappropriate.
Not a bad policy at all.