If there is a web discussion about something, people naturally extend the meaning of something. Let’s take LW for an obvious example: It started with epistemic rationality, and expanded even to rational toothpaste.
So by the same mechanism, I would expect that if you make a web community discussing “creepiness”, the scope will naturally grow. -- The example you linked doesn’t seem creepy to me, assuming it was on a dating website. (A context could make it creepy: for example if the same man keeps sending this message repeatedly to the same woman.)
You know, haters gonna hate. Try avoiding the obvious haters, and don’t leave written records that could fall in wrong hands.
I guess a proper protocol for dating a schoolmate is to invite them somewhere outside of the school (some interesting place, or for a walk). In school, just be friendly. This way you leave an obvious exit. Also, the girl may appreciate your discretion.
How does talking to a girl for only one minute help you?
If you are nervous about approaching strange girls, the time limit also reduces your stress. Gradually you will start feeling relaxed while doing it. That is the time to approach someone else without using the time limit.
Is this for practice or for results? Am I doing this on strangers or on people I know?
Always start with easy and progress to more difficult. Start complimenting the people you know, and progress to strangers. The more you do it, the more “natural” it will feel to you. (I use scare quotes around “natural”, because “natural” simply means: learned and practiced long time ago, and “not natural” means: learned yesterday, have not practice yet. You become “natural” by practice, not by being born with the ability.) At first just practice, but with enough experience you will learn the scale of reactions, when people are just polite and when they are really happy… and then at some moment, when you get a happy reaction, you can ask whether it is okay to talk.
Sorry, the advice ends here—this is not a PUA forum, and some people don’t like this topic. I hope I made you interested, and perhaps provided a good starting map. Many specific answers and new ideas are in the books. As usual, use your brain. If something feels morally wrong or dangerous, don’t do it. But if something merely feels uncomfortable, expand your comfort zone; do it slowly, but do it. You can’t learn social skills by discussing them online. You have to practice. With practice, it will become easier. Don’t mention “PUA” to people, and feel free to ignore any bullshit. Just be aware that a lot of advice you get from traditional sources is also bullshit. Explore the territory, don’t just copy other people’s maps. Do it sooner rather than later, because then you will have more time to enjoy the gains.
I guess a proper protocol for dating a schoolmate is to invite them somewhere outside of the school (some interesting place, or for a walk). In school, just be friendly. This way you leave an obvious exit. Also, the girl may appreciate your discretion.
This actually makes a lot of sense. “Only show attraction to girls outside of school/work, so that they are aware that you compartmentalize your life in such a way that they will not have to deal with the topic of romance with you at school/work if they are not inclined to do so.” This is why at a school dance it’s okay to go and rub your crotch on the butt of a girl you treat completely non-sexually during the day.
EDIT: And now the concept of sexual harassment in the workplace makes a lot more sense.
Sorry, the advice ends here—this is not a PUA forum, and some people don’t like this topic.
That’s fine, I understand that you probably have better things to do. Thank you for the advice/discussion, and good luck in your future endeavors. :)
“Only show attraction to girls outside of school/work, so that they are aware that you compartmentalize your life in such a way that they will not have to deal with the topic of romance with you at school/work if they are not inclined to do so.”
That’s pretty much what I do instinctively, except that the compartments are more gerrymandered than that (and they’re not much clearer to my System 2 than (say) grammatical rules), and they depend on who the woman is (and, to a lesser extent, on what we’re talking about) but not much on where we are (e.g., with some people I’ll do the hover hand thing in pictures, with others I’m perfectly comfortable putting a hand on their thigh during class).
(This might be part of a same pattern as Feynman’s observation that it’s common for European physicists to talk about their work in bars but rare for American physicists.)
The example you linked doesn’t seem creepy to me, assuming it was on a dating website. (A context could make it creepy: for example if the same man keeps sending this message repeatedly to the same woman.)
Actually, I think the lack of context makes it creepier.
Being that explicit so early in a conversation is usually considered impolite. (There’s no need to explicitly mention the bedroom—they’re on a dating site, she knows you mean that even if you just say you want to hang out.) Therefore, it demonstrates a lack of familiarity with politeness norms, and possibly with social interactions in general. In more usual contexts, it would instead demonstrate that you can afford flouting politeness rules without much of a status hit, but when you’re talking to someone who knows basically nothing about you other than what you’re communicating at the moment (for all she knows, you could be a sexual predator, a dork who basically never talks to women in meatspace, or even an uFAI), countersignalling is a bad idea.
Also, it pattern-matches a kind of guy who gets very resentful, sometimes in a scary way, when he doesn’t get his way. (And for some reason they seem to always be awful at writing—“your beautiful”, “knew to the area”...)
If there is a web discussion about something, people naturally extend the meaning of something. Let’s take LW for an obvious example: It started with epistemic rationality, and expanded even to rational toothpaste.
So by the same mechanism, I would expect that if you make a web community discussing “creepiness”, the scope will naturally grow. -- The example you linked doesn’t seem creepy to me, assuming it was on a dating website. (A context could make it creepy: for example if the same man keeps sending this message repeatedly to the same woman.)
You know, haters gonna hate. Try avoiding the obvious haters, and don’t leave written records that could fall in wrong hands.
I guess a proper protocol for dating a schoolmate is to invite them somewhere outside of the school (some interesting place, or for a walk). In school, just be friendly. This way you leave an obvious exit. Also, the girl may appreciate your discretion.
If you are nervous about approaching strange girls, the time limit also reduces your stress. Gradually you will start feeling relaxed while doing it. That is the time to approach someone else without using the time limit.
Always start with easy and progress to more difficult. Start complimenting the people you know, and progress to strangers. The more you do it, the more “natural” it will feel to you. (I use scare quotes around “natural”, because “natural” simply means: learned and practiced long time ago, and “not natural” means: learned yesterday, have not practice yet. You become “natural” by practice, not by being born with the ability.) At first just practice, but with enough experience you will learn the scale of reactions, when people are just polite and when they are really happy… and then at some moment, when you get a happy reaction, you can ask whether it is okay to talk.
Sorry, the advice ends here—this is not a PUA forum, and some people don’t like this topic. I hope I made you interested, and perhaps provided a good starting map. Many specific answers and new ideas are in the books. As usual, use your brain. If something feels morally wrong or dangerous, don’t do it. But if something merely feels uncomfortable, expand your comfort zone; do it slowly, but do it. You can’t learn social skills by discussing them online. You have to practice. With practice, it will become easier. Don’t mention “PUA” to people, and feel free to ignore any bullshit. Just be aware that a lot of advice you get from traditional sources is also bullshit. Explore the territory, don’t just copy other people’s maps. Do it sooner rather than later, because then you will have more time to enjoy the gains.
This actually makes a lot of sense. “Only show attraction to girls outside of school/work, so that they are aware that you compartmentalize your life in such a way that they will not have to deal with the topic of romance with you at school/work if they are not inclined to do so.” This is why at a school dance it’s okay to go and rub your crotch on the butt of a girl you treat completely non-sexually during the day.
EDIT: And now the concept of sexual harassment in the workplace makes a lot more sense.
That’s fine, I understand that you probably have better things to do. Thank you for the advice/discussion, and good luck in your future endeavors. :)
That’s pretty much what I do instinctively, except that the compartments are more gerrymandered than that (and they’re not much clearer to my System 2 than (say) grammatical rules), and they depend on who the woman is (and, to a lesser extent, on what we’re talking about) but not much on where we are (e.g., with some people I’ll do the hover hand thing in pictures, with others I’m perfectly comfortable putting a hand on their thigh during class).
(This might be part of a same pattern as Feynman’s observation that it’s common for European physicists to talk about their work in bars but rare for American physicists.)
Actually, I think the lack of context makes it creepier.
Being that explicit so early in a conversation is usually considered impolite. (There’s no need to explicitly mention the bedroom—they’re on a dating site, she knows you mean that even if you just say you want to hang out.) Therefore, it demonstrates a lack of familiarity with politeness norms, and possibly with social interactions in general. In more usual contexts, it would instead demonstrate that you can afford flouting politeness rules without much of a status hit, but when you’re talking to someone who knows basically nothing about you other than what you’re communicating at the moment (for all she knows, you could be a sexual predator, a dork who basically never talks to women in meatspace, or even an uFAI), countersignalling is a bad idea.
Also, it pattern-matches a kind of guy who gets very resentful, sometimes in a scary way, when he doesn’t get his way. (And for some reason they seem to always be awful at writing—“your beautiful”, “knew to the area”...)