I’d love to see the results of a large survey on how successfuly married people found their partner. Is the “love finds you” meme based in anything real? The most common anecdote that I’ve heard is of the form “I really wanted this person and I pursued them persistently until they settled for me”.
My SO and I did not pursue each other relentlessly. Granted, the conditions of the area meant that I was under even less pressure than women normally are to be the pursuer. The area had very few women between the ages of 18 and 30. He didn’t have to pursue me that much, either, but I am not sure if there were reasons beyond my personality.
I had just ended a relationship, he and I befriended each other, we expressed interest. We started dating officially a few months later, I moved in with him, and we got married 1.5 years later. We’re coming up on our fourth anniversary and the relationship has been successful by all meaningful metrics. :)
The most common anecdote that I’ve heard is of the form “I really wanted this person and I pursued them persistently until they settled for me”
My fiance might describe it that way; she’s more or less stated that she feels I’m out of her league. I’d define it less (which is to say, not) as “settling” and more “noticing that this relationship is emotionally healthy for me”.
The whole concept of “settling” is… wrong. The goal of dating isn’t to find the “best”, by some criteria, person you can find, which is unfortunately how many people tend to see it. The goal of dating should be to find your complement; somebody who enhances you (and ideally, who you enhance as well).
What signs do you look for to identify a person who would compliment or enhance you in the way you describe? (i.e. How would you identify a person like this?)
Note: I agree with you and do very similar things for friendships. I’m curious about other people’s methods to improve my own.
she doesn’t mind that I have nerdy hobbies (programming, math...)
she also has some hobbies, so she doesn’t require constant “babysitting” from me
if there is a problem to be solved, I can rely on her cooperation
she wants to have children in reasonable time horizon
This is probably better explained in negative, as an experience of traits that ruined my previous relationships. At some moment I became able to impress girls, even those I previously thought were “out of my league”, by being smart and witty, a good dancer, and having a few interesting stories and impressing achievements in the past. The problem is, it probably created wrong expectations.
I like to go out and dance, once in a while, but I also love to spend a lot of time with my computer or debating “nerdy topics”. I can be funny, but I also have some problems that I need to solve (such as procrastination, not being satisfied with my career, etc.). I do achieve quite impressive things once in a while, but my typical day is completely unimpressive (I go to work, come back tired, read some web, and go to sleep). So I guess the things that helped me seduce the girls seemed like false advertisement afterwards.
Seemed to me that the girls I seduced by fun and dancing often expected the whole life to be “fun and dancing”. They probably expected the whole life to be just like at the college; at the beginning it seemed like I could provide such life to them, and when I disappointed them, they moved to someone else who seemed he could fulfill the promise better.
For a stable relationship, I need someone who doesn’t expect the whole life to be like a college. Someone who can help me solve problems when they appear (and of course I provide the same in return). Someone who can spend their time with their hobbies, while I spend my time with my hobbies.
I got all this, and more. My wife enjoys reading SSC, and we can discuss that kind of topics. We also have similar ideas about upbringing children.
Unfortunately—I’m not sure. It took me two or three months to figure it out in that case, and while I remember the revelation that “This is a healthy relationship”, I don’t remember anything in particular sparking it.
If this relationship ends, I still don’t know what criteria I’d use to identify what I’m looking for. (She messaged me on OkC, actually; perhaps the only woman to do so who wasn’t threatening me or who hadn’t read my profile at all, although I fixed the latter by making my profile picture deliberately off-putting to the sort of person who wouldn’t read a profile in the first place.)
I agree vehemently and should have probably used a different phrasing. What I was really getting at is that in most anecdotes that I’ve heard—one person is significantly more enthusiastic to start off with (and I don’t think this is necessarily a problem).
The “love finds you” meme would match up to lots of things. It matches up to “I didn’t use a dating service or website to find someone and found someone anyway” and “I didn’t make any effort at all to date and eventually ran into someone”. I think that an eligible, decent-looking young person will find someone eventually (especially as the dating pool decreases as they get older and remain in demand), but just because a strategy can barely scrape by doesn’t mean you should ignore much better options that are available.
If you want to find the best person you can and want to date people sooner rather than ‘eventually’, then Jacobian’s ideas sound like a much much better strategy.
I’d love to see the results of a large survey on how successfuly married people found their partner. Is the “love finds you” meme based in anything real? The most common anecdote that I’ve heard is of the form “I really wanted this person and I pursued them persistently until they settled for me”.
My SO and I did not pursue each other relentlessly. Granted, the conditions of the area meant that I was under even less pressure than women normally are to be the pursuer. The area had very few women between the ages of 18 and 30. He didn’t have to pursue me that much, either, but I am not sure if there were reasons beyond my personality.
I had just ended a relationship, he and I befriended each other, we expressed interest. We started dating officially a few months later, I moved in with him, and we got married 1.5 years later. We’re coming up on our fourth anniversary and the relationship has been successful by all meaningful metrics. :)
My fiance might describe it that way; she’s more or less stated that she feels I’m out of her league. I’d define it less (which is to say, not) as “settling” and more “noticing that this relationship is emotionally healthy for me”.
The whole concept of “settling” is… wrong. The goal of dating isn’t to find the “best”, by some criteria, person you can find, which is unfortunately how many people tend to see it. The goal of dating should be to find your complement; somebody who enhances you (and ideally, who you enhance as well).
[Edited: Typographical error corrected]
Sorry if this comes across as needlessly pedantic, but the correct word should be ‘complement’, not ‘compliment’.
I am not trying to put you down; I just thought it might be something you’d like to know.
Fixed, thanks!
What signs do you look for to identify a person who would compliment or enhance you in the way you describe? (i.e. How would you identify a person like this?)
Note: I agree with you and do very similar things for friendships. I’m curious about other people’s methods to improve my own.
My minimal requirements were:
she doesn’t mind that I have nerdy hobbies (programming, math...)
she also has some hobbies, so she doesn’t require constant “babysitting” from me
if there is a problem to be solved, I can rely on her cooperation
she wants to have children in reasonable time horizon
This is probably better explained in negative, as an experience of traits that ruined my previous relationships. At some moment I became able to impress girls, even those I previously thought were “out of my league”, by being smart and witty, a good dancer, and having a few interesting stories and impressing achievements in the past. The problem is, it probably created wrong expectations.
I like to go out and dance, once in a while, but I also love to spend a lot of time with my computer or debating “nerdy topics”. I can be funny, but I also have some problems that I need to solve (such as procrastination, not being satisfied with my career, etc.). I do achieve quite impressive things once in a while, but my typical day is completely unimpressive (I go to work, come back tired, read some web, and go to sleep). So I guess the things that helped me seduce the girls seemed like false advertisement afterwards.
Seemed to me that the girls I seduced by fun and dancing often expected the whole life to be “fun and dancing”. They probably expected the whole life to be just like at the college; at the beginning it seemed like I could provide such life to them, and when I disappointed them, they moved to someone else who seemed he could fulfill the promise better.
For a stable relationship, I need someone who doesn’t expect the whole life to be like a college. Someone who can help me solve problems when they appear (and of course I provide the same in return). Someone who can spend their time with their hobbies, while I spend my time with my hobbies.
I got all this, and more. My wife enjoys reading SSC, and we can discuss that kind of topics. We also have similar ideas about upbringing children.
Unfortunately—I’m not sure. It took me two or three months to figure it out in that case, and while I remember the revelation that “This is a healthy relationship”, I don’t remember anything in particular sparking it.
If this relationship ends, I still don’t know what criteria I’d use to identify what I’m looking for. (She messaged me on OkC, actually; perhaps the only woman to do so who wasn’t threatening me or who hadn’t read my profile at all, although I fixed the latter by making my profile picture deliberately off-putting to the sort of person who wouldn’t read a profile in the first place.)
I agree vehemently and should have probably used a different phrasing. What I was really getting at is that in most anecdotes that I’ve heard—one person is significantly more enthusiastic to start off with (and I don’t think this is necessarily a problem).
The “love finds you” meme would match up to lots of things. It matches up to “I didn’t use a dating service or website to find someone and found someone anyway” and “I didn’t make any effort at all to date and eventually ran into someone”. I think that an eligible, decent-looking young person will find someone eventually (especially as the dating pool decreases as they get older and remain in demand), but just because a strategy can barely scrape by doesn’t mean you should ignore much better options that are available.
If you want to find the best person you can and want to date people sooner rather than ‘eventually’, then Jacobian’s ideas sound like a much much better strategy.
Yuck.
I think the yuck-ness is pianoforte611′s point.
Not exactly, see my response to OrphanWilde.