I would suggest to ignore the entire concept of “masculinity” and just focus directly on what you were trying to achieve by using that concept. I see several things in your text.
1) You had an abusive father who was unhapppy that you did not fulfill some ideal that he had in mind. That left you wondering about whether you could/should have fulfilled that ideal better, and how it actually works.
Here my recommendation is to abandon this entire line of research. You can’t change the past. Even if you figure it out, you won’t get a second chance to do your childhood right and have a better relationship with your father. (Plus there is a chance that in a parallel reality where you were properly “masculine”, you were punished just as much, only for something else. Sometimes the things that happen to you are not about you, but about the person doing them.)
Get a therapy. Realize that you desire something that other people had but you didn’t (an accepting father), realize that it is a valid desire but you are not going to ever get it anyway because sometimes life sucks, cry over it, then move on, and focus on the things you still can have.
2) Some behaviors are virtuous; helpful to have a better life as an individual, or to be a better member of a society. Identify those behaviors; judge each of them on its own merits. Do not worry about whether they do or do not fit into some abstract concept of “masculinity”.
You were already getting to this conclusion yourself, I am just expressing my approval, and giving you a blessing from an external masculine authority, if such thing might help you emotionally.
Physical strength is useful per se. (I also know a few women who do strength training.) Mental strength is useful per se. (And just like you can fuck up your body by doing the strength training wrong, you can fuck up your mind by doing the mental training wrong. For example “perseverance” and “stubbornness” are the same mental strenght, the difference is whether they are applied towards a worthy goal.) Therefore do become stronger, but do not worry whether it fits someone’s concept of “masculinity” or not.
3) Yes, sometimes old concepts are obsolete, because they were designed for a different situation.
4) Yes, developing skills takes a lot of time, and you need to reward yourself all along the way, that is how conditioning works in humans and animals alike. And then give yourself an extra reward for actually achieving an externally measurable milestone.
Then there is also one thing that you do not mention, but in my opinion it also belongs under the topic of “masculinity”, which is sexual signaling. Things like wearing stereotypically male clothing. It does not have to be better per se, it’s just a way to signal social conformity, which is sometimes useful. (Smart people choose their battles.)
I would suggest to ignore the entire concept of “masculinity” and just focus directly on what you were trying to achieve by using that concept. I see several things in your text.
1) You had an abusive father who was unhapppy that you did not fulfill some ideal that he had in mind. That left you wondering about whether you could/should have fulfilled that ideal better, and how it actually works.
Here my recommendation is to abandon this entire line of research. You can’t change the past. Even if you figure it out, you won’t get a second chance to do your childhood right and have a better relationship with your father. (Plus there is a chance that in a parallel reality where you were properly “masculine”, you were punished just as much, only for something else. Sometimes the things that happen to you are not about you, but about the person doing them.)
Get a therapy. Realize that you desire something that other people had but you didn’t (an accepting father), realize that it is a valid desire but you are not going to ever get it anyway because sometimes life sucks, cry over it, then move on, and focus on the things you still can have.
2) Some behaviors are virtuous; helpful to have a better life as an individual, or to be a better member of a society. Identify those behaviors; judge each of them on its own merits. Do not worry about whether they do or do not fit into some abstract concept of “masculinity”.
You were already getting to this conclusion yourself, I am just expressing my approval, and giving you a blessing from an external masculine authority, if such thing might help you emotionally.
Physical strength is useful per se. (I also know a few women who do strength training.) Mental strength is useful per se. (And just like you can fuck up your body by doing the strength training wrong, you can fuck up your mind by doing the mental training wrong. For example “perseverance” and “stubbornness” are the same mental strenght, the difference is whether they are applied towards a worthy goal.) Therefore do become stronger, but do not worry whether it fits someone’s concept of “masculinity” or not.
3) Yes, sometimes old concepts are obsolete, because they were designed for a different situation.
4) Yes, developing skills takes a lot of time, and you need to reward yourself all along the way, that is how conditioning works in humans and animals alike. And then give yourself an extra reward for actually achieving an externally measurable milestone.
Then there is also one thing that you do not mention, but in my opinion it also belongs under the topic of “masculinity”, which is sexual signaling. Things like wearing stereotypically male clothing. It does not have to be better per se, it’s just a way to signal social conformity, which is sometimes useful. (Smart people choose their battles.)