What if it is literally true that some people are more lovable and some less, and that this has unavoidable effects on self-esteem?
(my italics)
Well, it’s not true that those have unavoidable effects on self-esteem. Some people can see their less-desired traits and not castigate themselves for it, instead accepting it as part of a generally positive picture of themselves. You can also teach people to adopt that mode: It’s the basis for some and a huge part of other Cognitive Behavioral Therapies. CBT has a large body of research showing it works.
On a somewhat-related note, does anyone know about Carol Dweck’s work on motivation and praise and the like? She found that praising someone for something that they didn’t expend effort on was bad for their motivation in the future. (It also increases a belief that static ability determines one’s performance—at least in students with relationship to school work.) I’ve personally been in that situation, of being praised for things I didn’t see as an accomplishment—which is essentially being praised for doing or being something you don’t feel you did or are—and it feels awful.
Praise is praise FOR something—whether it’s hard work in school or a loveable personality—and so you can hear someone praising the trait, and you look at yourself lacking the trait, and it does highlight the difference and make you feel guilty and such, if you’re looking at it that way. And I’d say people with low self-esteem are more likely to interpret praise as applying to something external (the trait) and blame as applying to something intrinsic (themselves). /shrugs
(my italics)
Well, it’s not true that those have unavoidable effects on self-esteem. Some people can see their less-desired traits and not castigate themselves for it, instead accepting it as part of a generally positive picture of themselves. You can also teach people to adopt that mode: It’s the basis for some and a huge part of other Cognitive Behavioral Therapies. CBT has a large body of research showing it works.
On a somewhat-related note, does anyone know about Carol Dweck’s work on motivation and praise and the like? She found that praising someone for something that they didn’t expend effort on was bad for their motivation in the future. (It also increases a belief that static ability determines one’s performance—at least in students with relationship to school work.) I’ve personally been in that situation, of being praised for things I didn’t see as an accomplishment—which is essentially being praised for doing or being something you don’t feel you did or are—and it feels awful.
Praise is praise FOR something—whether it’s hard work in school or a loveable personality—and so you can hear someone praising the trait, and you look at yourself lacking the trait, and it does highlight the difference and make you feel guilty and such, if you’re looking at it that way. And I’d say people with low self-esteem are more likely to interpret praise as applying to something external (the trait) and blame as applying to something intrinsic (themselves). /shrugs