Cofounder of Relationship Hero here. There’s a sound underlying principle of courtship that PHTG taps into: That if your partner models you as someone with a high standard that they need to put in effort to meet, then they’ll be more attracted to you.
The problem with trying to apply any dating tactic, even PHTG, is that courtship is a complex game with a lot of state and context. It’s very common to be uncalibrated and apply a tactic that backfires on you because you weren’t aware of the overall mental model that your partner had of you. So I’d have to observe your interactions and confirm that “being too easy” is a sufficiently accurate one-dimensional projection of where you currently stand with your partner, before recommending this one particular tactic.
Instead of relying on a toolbag of one-dimensional tactics, my recommended approach is to focus on understanding your partner’s mental model of you, and of their relationship with you, and of the relationship they’d want. Then you can strategize how to get the relationship you want, assuming it’s compatible with a kind of relationship they’d also want.
Instead of relying on a toolbag of one-dimensional tactics, my recommended approach is to focus on understanding your partner’s mental model of you, and of their relationship with you, and of the relationship they’d want.
That’s a bit vague and difficult to enact. I want to get better at “Understanding your partner’s mental model of you”. That’s the point of the AB test. I’m very open to alternative strategies for building this skill. I hope that responding to interest signals with more reactivity and disinterest signal with less reactivity will provide leverage on that question.
It’s very common to be uncalibrated and apply a tactic that backfires on you because you weren’t aware of the overall mental model that your partner had of you.
That seems like it would be true for many man-strategy dyads. It might be true for this dyad. Unfortunately without doing the experiment, there’s no way to know. However, I do know that I am generally more reactive and become interested earlier in relationships than most men. So this seems worth trying.
I’ll lay out some alternative strategies you might be advocating for:
Building practical skills for theory of mind
The alternative strategy, which I think you’re suggesting, is to build general social intelligence, like “reading the mind in the eyes test”. I could improve this by having lots of conversations with friends. I could constantly try to guess what they are thinking, and respond to it. That should build my ability to “undstand my partner’s mental model of me”.
One problem is COVID, so I can’t really get face-to-face interaction outside of dates (major frustration in my life atm). The other problem is that I still need to behave some way on dates. So I can either do the AB test, all treatment, all control, or not go on dates. So I need to answer that question in a practical sense.
Just do control
Maybe you’re suggesting I just do control? My prior is still 60% that PHTG would be more effective on dates on average. To do just control, I would forego all the value of finding out. That could only be worth it with an unjustifiably low prior (10%), such that checking the PHTG strategy is no longer worth it.
Do the AB test, but remember there are other factors
Maybe you are suggesting I “have an open mind” about the different causal factors involved.
This actually updates me toward the “all treatment” strategy. The reason is that PHTG requires I read a lot more signals than I normally do on a date. So if the set of causes is large, I’ll only identify them from micro facial cues. So any strategy that forces me to practice theory of mind more will help me identify those factors in the long run.
Cofounder of Relationship Hero here. There’s a sound underlying principle of courtship that PHTG taps into: That if your partner models you as someone with a high standard that they need to put in effort to meet, then they’ll be more attracted to you.
The problem with trying to apply any dating tactic, even PHTG, is that courtship is a complex game with a lot of state and context. It’s very common to be uncalibrated and apply a tactic that backfires on you because you weren’t aware of the overall mental model that your partner had of you. So I’d have to observe your interactions and confirm that “being too easy” is a sufficiently accurate one-dimensional projection of where you currently stand with your partner, before recommending this one particular tactic.
Instead of relying on a toolbag of one-dimensional tactics, my recommended approach is to focus on understanding your partner’s mental model of you, and of their relationship with you, and of the relationship they’d want. Then you can strategize how to get the relationship you want, assuming it’s compatible with a kind of relationship they’d also want.
That’s a bit vague and difficult to enact. I want to get better at “Understanding your partner’s mental model of you”. That’s the point of the AB test. I’m very open to alternative strategies for building this skill. I hope that responding to interest signals with more reactivity and disinterest signal with less reactivity will provide leverage on that question.
That seems like it would be true for many man-strategy dyads. It might be true for this dyad. Unfortunately without doing the experiment, there’s no way to know. However, I do know that I am generally more reactive and become interested earlier in relationships than most men. So this seems worth trying.
I’ll lay out some alternative strategies you might be advocating for:
Building practical skills for theory of mind
The alternative strategy, which I think you’re suggesting, is to build general social intelligence, like “reading the mind in the eyes test”. I could improve this by having lots of conversations with friends. I could constantly try to guess what they are thinking, and respond to it. That should build my ability to “undstand my partner’s mental model of me”.
One problem is COVID, so I can’t really get face-to-face interaction outside of dates (major frustration in my life atm). The other problem is that I still need to behave some way on dates. So I can either do the AB test, all treatment, all control, or not go on dates. So I need to answer that question in a practical sense.
Just do control
Maybe you’re suggesting I just do control? My prior is still 60% that PHTG would be more effective on dates on average. To do just control, I would forego all the value of finding out. That could only be worth it with an unjustifiably low prior (10%), such that checking the PHTG strategy is no longer worth it.
Do the AB test, but remember there are other factors
Maybe you are suggesting I “have an open mind” about the different causal factors involved.
This actually updates me toward the “all treatment” strategy. The reason is that PHTG requires I read a lot more signals than I normally do on a date. So if the set of causes is large, I’ll only identify them from micro facial cues. So any strategy that forces me to practice theory of mind more will help me identify those factors in the long run.