I’ve never interested a girlfriend in the art of rationality per se, but I’ve persuaded several to think more rationally about some of their current problems by (1) demonstrating unconditional affection, and (2) taking baby steps.
By unconditional affection, I mean that nothing was riding on their attempt to think rationally in terms of my approval or feelings toward them—they knew that I would still really like them even if they totally failed to think rationally or solve the problem du jour. This lowers stress to the point where learning new behaviors is more likely to succeed, or at least that’s what they taught me in AP Psych, and it matches my experience.
By taking baby steps, I mean treating the results of semi-rational reasoning with respect, as if they were serious and reasonable opinions. E.g, if Jenna is convinced beyond all possibility of doubt that she can enjoy life and succeed at most tasks on 2 hours of sleep a night, despite overwhelming evidence that this is not the case, but Jenna concedes that she might be happier if she had more free time, then I wouldn’t argue that she should quit, e.g., her second set of dance classes in order to get more sleep—I would try to get her to look at the cost-benefit ratio of free time vs. dance. She would (irrationally) be looking at the benefit of time as used for, say, talking to friends rather than the benefit of time as used for sleeping, but she is still more likely to come to the correct conclusion by dint of the fact that now she’s doing some cost-benefit analysis than she was before, when she was running on unquestioned instinct.
As I write this, I realize that it could come off as condescending, but most of the girlfriends who I’ve tried to “teach” rationality to have also tried to teach me to, e.g., emote. Everyone is a beginner at different things, and it’s important to teach people at the level they’re actually at for any given skill.
I’ve never interested a girlfriend in the art of rationality per se, but I’ve persuaded several to think more rationally about some of their current problems by (1) demonstrating unconditional affection, and (2) taking baby steps.
By unconditional affection, I mean that nothing was riding on their attempt to think rationally in terms of my approval or feelings toward them—they knew that I would still really like them even if they totally failed to think rationally or solve the problem du jour. This lowers stress to the point where learning new behaviors is more likely to succeed, or at least that’s what they taught me in AP Psych, and it matches my experience.
By taking baby steps, I mean treating the results of semi-rational reasoning with respect, as if they were serious and reasonable opinions. E.g, if Jenna is convinced beyond all possibility of doubt that she can enjoy life and succeed at most tasks on 2 hours of sleep a night, despite overwhelming evidence that this is not the case, but Jenna concedes that she might be happier if she had more free time, then I wouldn’t argue that she should quit, e.g., her second set of dance classes in order to get more sleep—I would try to get her to look at the cost-benefit ratio of free time vs. dance. She would (irrationally) be looking at the benefit of time as used for, say, talking to friends rather than the benefit of time as used for sleeping, but she is still more likely to come to the correct conclusion by dint of the fact that now she’s doing some cost-benefit analysis than she was before, when she was running on unquestioned instinct.
As I write this, I realize that it could come off as condescending, but most of the girlfriends who I’ve tried to “teach” rationality to have also tried to teach me to, e.g., emote. Everyone is a beginner at different things, and it’s important to teach people at the level they’re actually at for any given skill.
Did that work?