My comment will drown in this huge thread, but here it is anyway.
I choose monogamy and I know why I am choosing it.
I am an animal, driven by powerful impulses and emotions. I am programmed a certain way, and I must understand my program in order to anticipate my reactions (and how to maximize my happiness, whichever way you want to define happiness). Everything I do, even trying to be rational, I do because of deep emotional motives that I might rationalize away or of which I am often unaware.
The same is true for the man I bond with. (It’s true for everyone imo.)
My husband and I have been interested in open relationships from the start, but it took us three years to try it. We approached it carefully and discussed it from every angle, including no-questions-asked veto rights. To me, having a loving partner who makes me laugh, someone I share my secrets with, and wake up next to every day AND having the thrill of new experiences seemed like living life to the fullest. Life is short, I reasoned. Why not be decadent? Why not enjoy our fertile and attractive years? I knew from the start that I would always find other men attractive. I can be committed to one person and desire three others. And looking at statistics, so many couples cheat. I don’t cheat and lie. Can’t we bypass the whole cheating thing by having everything in the open? For me, trust is most important.
I am a woman running woman-program. Maybe that’s why I didn’t feel jealous when my husband slept with other women. He had my permission, I felt “in the loop,” and I knew, on an emotional level, that I was more important to him than any of the other women. I was happy for him when he succeeded. The cost was low because I knew I had his support and caring.
My husband expected to feel the same way. He even had two separate conversations with his friend to convince him that it really is OK to get involved with me. The reluctant friend was tempted, and agreed. Twelve blissful days later, my husband had a fit of jealous rage—the kind you see in movies and can’t believe is true. It was a hormonal, violent rage. I did nothing to provoke his anger. Nothing. It was completely out of the blue (for him too, I think). On the wake of this explosion, we are getting a divorce. I haven’t spoken to him in six months.
Another anecdote:
I have never had a fight with my best friend. She and I have a rare understanding and acceptance for one another. Sometimes we’d annoy each other, but it was always only a few minutes, and we were back to normal. She is reasonable, open, and generous. One day I went out with her and her ex boyfriend. They had been broken up for two years. She was not interested in him anymore at all, and told me so. We went out, and I misunderstood a gesture she made (pushing me closely against his body while dancing and nodding and smiling, putting my arms around him) to mean she was ok with us hooking up. We kissed, then kissed some more, then we went home (each our own way). At home, my best friend and I had our first ever fight: she went to bed without saying good night. The next morning she was still upset and we talked. She explained that when she saw us together, she felt a deep disgust and despised me. She was able to see that it was irrational—she loves me, she loves him, why would it bother her to see us together? But the truth was, when she saw us with her own eyes in reality - not as an abstract idea—her body took over. She hated me and felt very jealous.
There is a strong cultural taboo about having sex with a man outside of your relationship.
There is a strong cultural taboo about hooking up with a close friend’s ex.
Both of these are illogical. The reason I believe they should be followed: even though they are not fair rules, and not logical, violating these rules causes real pain in someone you care about. It might not be fair, but that’s how we are programmed. It is how we physically respond.
I am not willing to pay the price. I am not willing to hurt my friend, or lose her friendship, in order to hook up with one man. The world is full of men for me to enjoy.
It’s really unfair that I can’t fly, but that doesn’t mean I should jump off a building to try it.
I am not willing to risk my future romantic relationships. Maybe some men can handle it, but you never really know until it happens to you. We were sure we would be fine, and that we could solve anything.
Romantic relationships are tricky—they are based on emotion. I would be stupid to do something that can make a man hate me, on an instinctive level for which he is programmed and over which he has little control. You can’t tell a man, “oh, you are wrong to stop loving me and trusting me.” Even a rare rational individual who might agree with me would say, “yes, you are absolutely right. I am wrong to stop loving you. On the contrary, you have proven time and again that you can be trusted. Nevertheless, I never want to see you again, and you repulse me.”
You can’t force emotions.
And so, I don’t wish to fight the program. I want to maximize my happiness. I want to live a drama-free life. I choose monogamy because I accept human nature.
My comment will drown in this huge thread, but here it is anyway.
I choose monogamy and I know why I am choosing it.
I am an animal, driven by powerful impulses and emotions. I am programmed a certain way, and I must understand my program in order to anticipate my reactions (and how to maximize my happiness, whichever way you want to define happiness). Everything I do, even trying to be rational, I do because of deep emotional motives that I might rationalize away or of which I am often unaware.
The same is true for the man I bond with. (It’s true for everyone imo.)
My husband and I have been interested in open relationships from the start, but it took us three years to try it. We approached it carefully and discussed it from every angle, including no-questions-asked veto rights. To me, having a loving partner who makes me laugh, someone I share my secrets with, and wake up next to every day AND having the thrill of new experiences seemed like living life to the fullest. Life is short, I reasoned. Why not be decadent? Why not enjoy our fertile and attractive years? I knew from the start that I would always find other men attractive. I can be committed to one person and desire three others. And looking at statistics, so many couples cheat. I don’t cheat and lie. Can’t we bypass the whole cheating thing by having everything in the open? For me, trust is most important.
I am a woman running woman-program. Maybe that’s why I didn’t feel jealous when my husband slept with other women. He had my permission, I felt “in the loop,” and I knew, on an emotional level, that I was more important to him than any of the other women. I was happy for him when he succeeded. The cost was low because I knew I had his support and caring.
My husband expected to feel the same way. He even had two separate conversations with his friend to convince him that it really is OK to get involved with me. The reluctant friend was tempted, and agreed. Twelve blissful days later, my husband had a fit of jealous rage—the kind you see in movies and can’t believe is true. It was a hormonal, violent rage. I did nothing to provoke his anger. Nothing. It was completely out of the blue (for him too, I think). On the wake of this explosion, we are getting a divorce. I haven’t spoken to him in six months.
Another anecdote:
I have never had a fight with my best friend. She and I have a rare understanding and acceptance for one another. Sometimes we’d annoy each other, but it was always only a few minutes, and we were back to normal. She is reasonable, open, and generous. One day I went out with her and her ex boyfriend. They had been broken up for two years. She was not interested in him anymore at all, and told me so. We went out, and I misunderstood a gesture she made (pushing me closely against his body while dancing and nodding and smiling, putting my arms around him) to mean she was ok with us hooking up. We kissed, then kissed some more, then we went home (each our own way). At home, my best friend and I had our first ever fight: she went to bed without saying good night. The next morning she was still upset and we talked. She explained that when she saw us together, she felt a deep disgust and despised me. She was able to see that it was irrational—she loves me, she loves him, why would it bother her to see us together? But the truth was, when she saw us with her own eyes in reality - not as an abstract idea—her body took over. She hated me and felt very jealous.
There is a strong cultural taboo about having sex with a man outside of your relationship.
There is a strong cultural taboo about hooking up with a close friend’s ex.
Both of these are illogical. The reason I believe they should be followed: even though they are not fair rules, and not logical, violating these rules causes real pain in someone you care about. It might not be fair, but that’s how we are programmed. It is how we physically respond.
I am not willing to pay the price. I am not willing to hurt my friend, or lose her friendship, in order to hook up with one man. The world is full of men for me to enjoy.
It’s really unfair that I can’t fly, but that doesn’t mean I should jump off a building to try it.
I am not willing to risk my future romantic relationships. Maybe some men can handle it, but you never really know until it happens to you. We were sure we would be fine, and that we could solve anything.
Romantic relationships are tricky—they are based on emotion. I would be stupid to do something that can make a man hate me, on an instinctive level for which he is programmed and over which he has little control. You can’t tell a man, “oh, you are wrong to stop loving me and trusting me.” Even a rare rational individual who might agree with me would say, “yes, you are absolutely right. I am wrong to stop loving you. On the contrary, you have proven time and again that you can be trusted. Nevertheless, I never want to see you again, and you repulse me.” You can’t force emotions.
And so, I don’t wish to fight the program. I want to maximize my happiness. I want to live a drama-free life. I choose monogamy because I accept human nature.