I want to preface my comments by saying that I haven’t actually read the book or otherwise deeply studied the concept and my view is likely superficial.
When I read your summary I feel like the analysis misses the point. When you bring the examples of giving the compliements you talk about the first order effect of the compliment. The example on the other hand doesn’t talk about the second order effect of what effect the fact that the compliment was given has on the relationship.
To use more LW language, the fact that you give someone a compliment has the second order effect that involves signaling. People not only go through the world trying to signal high status but they also go through the world wanting to signal other things.
Irrespectively of the direct value that a person gets out of the relationship with their romantic partner, most people care about whether their partner loving them at a very primal level. Whether or not another person loves me isn’t something about which I have direct knowledge and I might very well get value out of an relationship with a person who doesn’t love me.
The only way I can know whether or not another person truly loves me is to look at what their behavior signals. Correspondingly, the only way I can prove to my partner that I love them is to engage in the correct signals.
This signaling game runs into huge problems when we have different ideas of what the signals are supposed to mean and that’s the core idea of the 5 love languages as far as I understand i.
The other day, a friend on facebook shared a post on love languages and asked their friends what their’s were. I said that this did not fit my ontology for affection in a deep romantic relationship
It’s not called “languages of affection” but “love languages”. It might be a valuable exercise for the reader to figure out why the name is one and not the other.
I want to preface my comments by saying that I haven’t actually read the book or otherwise deeply studied the concept and my view is likely superficial.
When I read your summary I feel like the analysis misses the point. When you bring the examples of giving the compliements you talk about the first order effect of the compliment. The example on the other hand doesn’t talk about the second order effect of what effect the fact that the compliment was given has on the relationship.
To use more LW language, the fact that you give someone a compliment has the second order effect that involves signaling. People not only go through the world trying to signal high status but they also go through the world wanting to signal other things.
Irrespectively of the direct value that a person gets out of the relationship with their romantic partner, most people care about whether their partner loving them at a very primal level. Whether or not another person loves me isn’t something about which I have direct knowledge and I might very well get value out of an relationship with a person who doesn’t love me.
The only way I can know whether or not another person truly loves me is to look at what their behavior signals. Correspondingly, the only way I can prove to my partner that I love them is to engage in the correct signals.
This signaling game runs into huge problems when we have different ideas of what the signals are supposed to mean and that’s the core idea of the 5 love languages as far as I understand i.
It’s not called “languages of affection” but “love languages”. It might be a valuable exercise for the reader to figure out why the name is one and not the other.