I seem to be going back into a major depressive state, emotionally it doesn’t feel much different from my normal functioning depression, but I notice a largely decreased ability to devote mental energy and get started on tasks. Words seem to not make sense, like everybody is writing in Wernicke’s Aphasia, it’s all there and fluent but the words have no meaning to me.
When I try to code or do mathematics my ability do calm down and try to solve problems get severely reduced, I short circuit to irritability and anger that I can’t quickly solve what I think I should know.
Here are some warning signs that I’m heading in for a rough depression time for future reference, what I’ve noticed is
*I wake up feeling depleted emotionally and mentally.
*Sleep disturbances happen a few times a night, mini nightmares as well.
*I feel trapped in a cycle of watching videos as a distraction
*I generally feel half asleep and slightly uncomfortable throughout the day.
*The urge to play videogames or any other form of escapism skyrocket.
*impulsivity in general increases
*It takes a lot of effort to read longform posts, and those I don’t immediately understand I give up on.
*My head feels like somebody lit my neurons on fire, they all feel tingly but thankfully there is no burning sensation
*Chocolate, Sweets, Carbs intake goes up a significant amount.
*Random emotional fluctuations, feeling the urge to cry for no reason at random times.
The strangest thing is for me and this might be why I never diagnosed myself with depression before this year is that I don’t usually feel “bad”. I don’t feel guilty or like a burden. I love my family, I love my friends, and I am grateful for all the opportunities and the things I get to do in life. I got this way through gratefulness journaling and reading philosophy / this website. I recognize things are good for me, really good in comparison with most people.
I think it’s almost purely chemical for me, with the chemical problems popping up and building a wall in the middle of two attractor states which prevents me from moving from the depression attractor state to neurotypical attractor state. Chemical imbalances impose a hard limit on how far to the other attractor state I can get, while constantly trying to move me back to the bottom of the depression one. But through trying to be grateful for every tiny thing in my life and accepting my reality as is I move my emotional/cognitive variable towards the neurotypical attractor state (I think). But with the hard chemical limit imposed I can’t go over the hump to get to the other side, this leads me to be as far towards the non depression attractor state as I can, and the competition forces cancel out, leading me to feel “eh” all the time.
I’m sure the reality of the situation is much more multivariable and complicated than that. But that is my current model of how my brain and “I” are battling now. Once again I am grateful for finding LessWrong and Scott Alexanders posts for giving a much better way to think about my problems.
This seems self-aware and accurate, and means you have a decent chance of being able to intervene and avoid going into a depressive state. The two things that sound particularly high leverage (and I believe tend to feature prominently in standard advice, because they tend to be key elements of self-reinforcing spirals) are sleep and diet.
Eating more sweets/carbs is a common depression failure mode, and people tend to respond by deciding that the carbs are bad, and trying to stop themselves from eating them. This is a mistake because what’s actually going on is undereating of everything else; sweets make up the gap because they’re very convenient, but the right intervention is to add more high-quality food until there’s no appetite left for sweets.
When I checked the list, I was like: well, most of this applies to me to some degree, too… except the part about nightmares… which I used to have a lot in the past, but I don’t remember having them recently… probably since the time I took care of my sleep apnea. Correlation is not causation, but it is a hypothesis worth exploring. In hindsight it seems obvious: lack of oxygen → heart beats faster → dreaming brain “rationalizes” this as fear.
I seem to be going back into a major depressive state, emotionally it doesn’t feel much different from my normal functioning depression, but I notice a largely decreased ability to devote mental energy and get started on tasks. Words seem to not make sense, like everybody is writing in Wernicke’s Aphasia, it’s all there and fluent but the words have no meaning to me.
When I try to code or do mathematics my ability do calm down and try to solve problems get severely reduced, I short circuit to irritability and anger that I can’t quickly solve what I think I should know.
Here are some warning signs that I’m heading in for a rough depression time for future reference, what I’ve noticed is
*I wake up feeling depleted emotionally and mentally.
*Sleep disturbances happen a few times a night, mini nightmares as well.
*I feel trapped in a cycle of watching videos as a distraction
*I generally feel half asleep and slightly uncomfortable throughout the day.
*The urge to play videogames or any other form of escapism skyrocket.
*impulsivity in general increases
*It takes a lot of effort to read longform posts, and those I don’t immediately understand I give up on.
*My head feels like somebody lit my neurons on fire, they all feel tingly but thankfully there is no burning sensation
*Chocolate, Sweets, Carbs intake goes up a significant amount.
*Random emotional fluctuations, feeling the urge to cry for no reason at random times.
The strangest thing is for me and this might be why I never diagnosed myself with depression before this year is that I don’t usually feel “bad”. I don’t feel guilty or like a burden. I love my family, I love my friends, and I am grateful for all the opportunities and the things I get to do in life. I got this way through gratefulness journaling and reading philosophy / this website. I recognize things are good for me, really good in comparison with most people.
Using Scotts Dynamic Systems model of thinking https://astralcodexten.substack.com/p/ontology-of-psychiatric-conditions-34e
I think it’s almost purely chemical for me, with the chemical problems popping up and building a wall in the middle of two attractor states which prevents me from moving from the depression attractor state to neurotypical attractor state. Chemical imbalances impose a hard limit on how far to the other attractor state I can get, while constantly trying to move me back to the bottom of the depression one. But through trying to be grateful for every tiny thing in my life and accepting my reality as is I move my emotional/cognitive variable towards the neurotypical attractor state (I think). But with the hard chemical limit imposed I can’t go over the hump to get to the other side, this leads me to be as far towards the non depression attractor state as I can, and the competition forces cancel out, leading me to feel “eh” all the time.
I’m sure the reality of the situation is much more multivariable and complicated than that. But that is my current model of how my brain and “I” are battling now. Once again I am grateful for finding LessWrong and Scott Alexanders posts for giving a much better way to think about my problems.
This seems self-aware and accurate, and means you have a decent chance of being able to intervene and avoid going into a depressive state. The two things that sound particularly high leverage (and I believe tend to feature prominently in standard advice, because they tend to be key elements of self-reinforcing spirals) are sleep and diet.
https://www.lesswrong.com/posts/a6PMaSrfG9KYWL9tL/how-to-improve-your-sleep. Especially the bit about checking for sleep apnea, if you haven’t already.
Eating more sweets/carbs is a common depression failure mode, and people tend to respond by deciding that the carbs are bad, and trying to stop themselves from eating them. This is a mistake because what’s actually going on is undereating of everything else; sweets make up the gap because they’re very convenient, but the right intervention is to add more high-quality food until there’s no appetite left for sweets.
When I checked the list, I was like: well, most of this applies to me to some degree, too… except the part about nightmares… which I used to have a lot in the past, but I don’t remember having them recently… probably since the time I took care of my sleep apnea. Correlation is not causation, but it is a hypothesis worth exploring. In hindsight it seems obvious: lack of oxygen → heart beats faster → dreaming brain “rationalizes” this as fear.
Those are good to know! Thanks!