If I have a trophy husband but don’t know it, I’m judged morally kosher. But if I realize this, and change nothing else, the arrangement becomes sin—I’m punished for my introspection.
I may or may not get this, so let me try giving an exaggerated for clarity example of what I think you mean.
You’re a billionaire author.
You marry an aspiring trophy poet, not because you like their poetry or dislike their poetry, but because they are utterly gorgeous. But you didn’t realize this when you married.
You then introspectively realize “Wait, I only married this person because they are utterly gorgeous! In all other ways I have no real feelings for anything they do one way or the other.”
You then hear them say “Oh, my love, it’s so nice to have someone who appreciates my poetry.” and you realize they think that you selected them as a spouse because you love their poetry.
If you had not introspected that earlier, you might have said something like “Yes, such sweet poetry, written by a sweet author.” and not thought about it.
But now you KNOW you don’t care about the poetry, so if you say that, you feel like you are lying. but if you tell your spouse the truth, you feel like you are smashing apart the (now apparently fictional) basis of your marriage.
So it might be the fact that the introspection can put you in a position where it may be to your advantage if you make a choice to not tell your spouse the truth, and that is an uncomfortable position to be in.
But where would your spouse get the idea that you appreciate their poetry? If you told them that you did when you really didn’t, they’d notice by your actions that you didn’t really mean it and react accordingly. Meaning, they’d either not care and you could keep on being married or they’d be really upset and confront you, in which case, you’re better off just telling the truth and letting them sort out reality for themselves. Meanwhile, if you never mentioned why you married them and you never asked to read their poetry, they’d be pretty delusional to randomly ascribe motivations to you that don’t explain your actions.
But where would your spouse get the idea that you appreciate their poetry? If you told them that you did when you really didn’t, they’d notice by your actions that you didn’t really mean it and react accordingly.
You believed you appreciated their poetry but on introspection, you realize that was just halo effect.
But why do they think you appreciate their poetry? Is it because the halo effect was so strong, you used to talk about how awesome their poetry is all the time?
I share jooyous’ confusion. How does it follow from “it’s OK to choose partners based on signalling value as long as we both know it” that “I’m judged morally kosher if I have a trophy husband but don’t know it”?
To say that it’s OK to do X given Y is not to say that it’s OK to do X in the absence of Y.
“It’s okay as long as both parties know it’s happening” pragmatically implicates “it’s not okay if...” Oh, wait. You’re right. Something had flipped a bit in my brain. Never mind.
I am still super-confused. I was going for a morality that has a penalty for hurting people. So that if you’re doing something that makes someone else unhappy, you have an incentive to figure out what you’re doing that has that effect and then take steps accordingly. Meanwhile, if you’re lying about something or you’re clueless about something and no one notices or cares, that’s fine.
I’m confused, how does being honest about a trophy spouse arrangement in which both parties are satisfied punish self-awareness and reward hypocrisy?
If I have a trophy husband but don’t know it, I’m judged morally kosher. But if I realize this, and change nothing else, the arrangement becomes sin—I’m punished for my introspection.
I may or may not get this, so let me try giving an exaggerated for clarity example of what I think you mean.
You’re a billionaire author.
You marry an aspiring trophy poet, not because you like their poetry or dislike their poetry, but because they are utterly gorgeous. But you didn’t realize this when you married.
You then introspectively realize “Wait, I only married this person because they are utterly gorgeous! In all other ways I have no real feelings for anything they do one way or the other.”
You then hear them say “Oh, my love, it’s so nice to have someone who appreciates my poetry.” and you realize they think that you selected them as a spouse because you love their poetry.
If you had not introspected that earlier, you might have said something like “Yes, such sweet poetry, written by a sweet author.” and not thought about it.
But now you KNOW you don’t care about the poetry, so if you say that, you feel like you are lying. but if you tell your spouse the truth, you feel like you are smashing apart the (now apparently fictional) basis of your marriage.
So it might be the fact that the introspection can put you in a position where it may be to your advantage if you make a choice to not tell your spouse the truth, and that is an uncomfortable position to be in.
But where would your spouse get the idea that you appreciate their poetry? If you told them that you did when you really didn’t, they’d notice by your actions that you didn’t really mean it and react accordingly. Meaning, they’d either not care and you could keep on being married or they’d be really upset and confront you, in which case, you’re better off just telling the truth and letting them sort out reality for themselves. Meanwhile, if you never mentioned why you married them and you never asked to read their poetry, they’d be pretty delusional to randomly ascribe motivations to you that don’t explain your actions.
You believed you appreciated their poetry but on introspection, you realize that was just halo effect.
But why do they think you appreciate their poetry? Is it because the halo effect was so strong, you used to talk about how awesome their poetry is all the time?
That is what I mean, yes; your billionaire would probably prefer not to have realized.
I share jooyous’ confusion. How does it follow from “it’s OK to choose partners based on signalling value as long as we both know it” that “I’m judged morally kosher if I have a trophy husband but don’t know it”?
To say that it’s OK to do X given Y is not to say that it’s OK to do X in the absence of Y.
“It’s okay as long as both parties know it’s happening” pragmatically implicates “it’s not okay if...” Oh, wait. You’re right. Something had flipped a bit in my brain. Never mind.
I am still super-confused. I was going for a morality that has a penalty for hurting people. So that if you’re doing something that makes someone else unhappy, you have an incentive to figure out what you’re doing that has that effect and then take steps accordingly. Meanwhile, if you’re lying about something or you’re clueless about something and no one notices or cares, that’s fine.